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April 2, 2010

A-Hole of the Next Ten Minutes

In a new feature here on Brainclogger and a tribute to Larry Flynt, I've decided to put a face to the people I consider perpetrating utter stupidity in the name of humanity. Sadly, there are so many brown-eyes, turd cutters, sphincters, poop chutes, rectal caves, balloon knots and other a-hole resembling people doing a-hole-ish things that I can't go with "A-Hole of the month," or the week, or even the day. People in society today, not even mentioning our government make not calling someone a butthole every few minutes virtually impossible.

Back to these two silly Russians. Dipshit female number one, on the left, barely 17 years-old, was most likely 16 in the picture with her "husband," a rat bastard Muslim terrorist otherwise known as dipshit male number two (also an anal reference)on the right. Where were these kids parents? Maybe they're the real a-holes of the next ten minutes. Who let her marry at 16? Who made her an extremist shithead? Who turned her into a mass murderer? Who gave her the gun she has in her miniature hand? Who introduced her to the Muslim zealot she apparently married as a child?

So where does a 17 year-old girl get an explosive belt? There must not be many malls in Russia, or schools, or proms, cell phones, Facebook, or TV, or something other than marrying young, filling yourself full of hate, and instead of going to the movies with your friends, you blow-up a subway full of innocent people because in your warped mind, the mass-murdering shithead you married whom the government killed, needs to be avenged. Maybe they never learned to fish.

I am so tired of hearing about Muslim terrorists I could scream. They're like the ACLU...they're always doing despicable things for the wrong reason, and they just won't go away.

April 1, 2010

Bizarre New Sea Creature Arrives!

Just don't tell the Chinese, or else they'll say it's a delicacy and it will be extinct in no time.

March 29, 2010

I'm on the Attorney General holder Blog!

How screwed-up is that?

Ricky's gay and Spicoli's a Commie!


Come on, anyone could tell Ricky Martin was flaming? If you couldn't, you were obviously blind.

Sean Penn is a deluded communist of epic proportions, and not only did he open his stupid mouth wide enough on Bill Maher to spew sewage all over, but he helped Maher look like an even bigger gutless pinko shithead than he already did, the pseudo-intellectual arrogant self-absorbed egotistical jackoff that he is. But I digress.

What Bill "am I as important as I feel" Maher didn't call Sean Penn on was this: Penn said people are big meanies and say lies about his buddy Hugo Chavez, and "anyone that says such things should be jailed." Hmm, let me think who that reminds me of? Stalin? Pinochet? Castro? Duvalier? Mao? Kim Jong Il? Edi Amin? Saddam Hussein? The Nazis? The Chinese? Wow, what friends are these, Sean?

You see, Bill Maher should have had the guts to stop being a sniveling liberal for two minutes and say "Hey Sean, what you're saying here is people who exercise their rights to free speech under our Constitution should be thrown in jail? Really? Did Sean Penn just let us in on a glimpse of how screwed-up he really is? After all, I still remember he went over and had tea with Saddam. That from a guy that cruise the streets of New Orleans after Katrina with a shotgun. The same guy that punches-out photographers and doesn't think he deserves to be punished, but talk about his little buddy and you should go to jail ya big meanie doo doo head!

He must have congratulated Chavez after he changed his constitution by force in order to elect himself president in perpetuity, closed the TV stations and newspapers, took over the oil companies and threw 70% of his country into poverty...but hey, that's not a communist dictator any more so than in North Korea.

Maybe it's all a cover? Maybe he works for the CIA? He has to be, or else he's the biggest brown-eye on the planet. Well, next to Maher.

Nah, he really is the butthole we all think he is.

Jerseylicious is Jerseydiculous, Jerseytarded, and Jerseythetic

When will the dipshits across the river in New Yowk realize that Joizee people don't all say Joizee, Doun da Showur, Owe my Gawud, or any other stereotypical activity of Bergen or Somerset counties, which, to the assholes at MTV and E-Channel are the only places that make New Jersey...well, New Jersey. The "Real Housewives" are anything but real, spandex and camaro hair went out of style long ago, and if the point of the show is to watch uppity beeyatches argue the entire time, you hit your mark.

Now for this new batch of fucksticks. Try and get the tramp with the fake tan and the New York accent to stop saying "I'm from Joizee," "It's a Joizee thing," and so forth. Chances are this little slut's never been outside route 87. They all need to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Breakfast Club so they can see the time warp they're stuck in. Spiked heel boots and off the shoulder sweaters? Where's the sauseech? Is that a rug on Frankie's head? I think I can see a net underneath. Forgeddaboudit.

This brings me to a diversion called The Jersey Shore. Not the place, or even the mindset, but the TV show full of Staten Island posers trying to FAKE they're from Jersey, and they do a pretty shitty job of it. Come down to South Jersey where we can actually pronounce the "er" and see how big of morons you look like.

Hey! I got a situation for the Situation. It's called a genital situation, and the Situation knows what he can do with my situation along with those guttersluts from New York on the show with him. The only one from Jersey is from Hazlet, a nice little town that from the looks of it, spawns it's fair share of little bimbos. Good thing is, all the hair gel DJ Jazzy Jagoff party boys like the one on the show and the pink polo shirt wearing Gotti guinea boys are already rounded up on an island. It's called Staten island, and someone needs to tell the TV people it's not New Jersey.

Why does MTV take outsiders and have them ACT like what they think Jersey people are like? Partly because the MTV people are a bunch of Hollywood phonies who think they should typecast rather than actually know what they're doing, and partly because they're opinion of Jersey is rather low, based soley on Bergen and Somerset. They think it's okay to insult the entire state as long as they make a few bucks.

Now we have these tacky, polyester wearing, big hair wannabe Manhattan hookers in a hair salon to represent E-Channel's idea of who and what Jersey is, and I tell you, it's freakin sad. Even Pauly Walnuts and Sill would be embarrassed by these tools. Hell, Pauly Shore would be embarrassed by them.

March 22, 2010

Four "Horse-persons" of the Apocalypse Bankrupt the US.

In late-night action, Dems gathered around their grand-dame, paying her much needed praise for finally getting off her ass and doing something since taking over Congress in 2006. Mere moments before she had to run back to her stand in the "notoriously corrupt politicians" section next to Bill Clinton at Madame Tussuad's wax museum, dems praised her for strong-arming them, belittling them, making completely un-veiled threats, and basically shined her wrinkly ass until she was sated. All the while, she stood nearby with a fake smile plastered on her cosmetically frozen face while making sure to avoid eye contact with anyone in the room. Turning her head to scan the room, a dull clicking noise could be heard along with a gutteral droning noise like Mongolian throat music. Luckily, before the wax melted into a nightmare-inducing brain-burning memory for those unfortunate enough to be watching the liberal circle-jerk, right before the assembled humanity gouged-out their own eyes, she mercifully departed.

Shortly after midnight, word came that before the government spends any more money it didn't have, our creditors (the Chinese) called and said they want their money first. In true form, democrats asked how they could be out of money if they still had blank checks in the checkbook? Steny Hoyer was heard to utter "you know when you say I'd gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today? Well, you never pay" as he giggled like a schoolgirl. At that point, the room resembled a herd of deer caught in the headlights and a collective, drawn-out "oh" was audible above the creaking of bones. The IQ level of those in attendance dropped an average of 10 points. Can you say "my name's Forrest Gump?"

During the back-slap butt-kiss Olympics witnessed after passage of the bill, not a single idiot (er, congressman) mentioned they did what they did for their constituents. It was absurdly amazing. They spoke of the "good-ole boy network" without using those words, fluffed each other publicly (well, except for Nancy. She's in her seventies and that's just gross, although she's probably better hung than the guys), and spoke of how "hard" other dems worked. All the while, they disregarded, or completely forgot they are elected representatives...apparently for a bunch of unfortunate peasants that didn't realizeb they were appointing royalty until Nancy said "let them eat cake."

Fornicate Gordon Gekko, greed is not good and this thing is going to hurt. I can only imagine what the stock market will do this week. The democratic plan looks like this:
- ignore job creation and extend unemployment benefits using money we don't have
- Let the Bush tax cuts expire in order to socialize our country, punish high earners, and redistribute wealth from the earners to the inherently lazy
- Take control of the banks
- Take control of the insurance companies
- Take control of the automakers
- Ignore the trade deficit because we're already bent over for the Chinese. Think of ways to take more money from Americans.
-Have liberal minions say "only a very small percentage of Americans will see a rise in insurance premiums," using the figure "1 in 5." Well, I know liberals hope we can't do our "cypherin," but 1 in 5 is 20%! Yep, a very small percentage indeed.
- Spend a trillion dollars on a stimulus plan that only stimulates the federal government. Why am i thinking of "fluffer-nutter?"
-Spend another trillion on health care. Write another check against an overdrawn account.

Yep, great plan. Should I burn down my house and move out of the country before the invading Chinese, the foreclosing feds, the IRS, the Orwellian thought police, ACORN, gun-control nuts or PETA come for me?

I know...if they do come for me, I can always call and get health insurance on the way to the hospital! After all, the axe in my forehead is a pre-existing condition and they don't matter any more! Oh, and using liberal logic, any injury after a car accident is pre-existing too so I guess I can cancel my car insurance now. Screw you Warren Buffet, save money on car insurance the old fashioned way...cancel it.

No more government cheese for anybody...

March 21, 2010

Hi. I'm Obama, your Cruise Director

I want to be President. All I have to do is convince people I should be President. That's it. I don't have to be able to do it, just entitled. If I can guilt people into voting for me, all the better. Imagine the guilt I can bring when re-election time comes.

Once elected, I stay on the campaign trail. Hey, it works for Obama, the "Campaigner in Chief." Either he can't find his office, is too scared to step into the big tent and piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs, or he just knows his gift of gab is his ticket to the "magic carpet ride" known as his presidency. To anyone who has ever seen the HBO series Band of Brothers, Mr. Obama is the Lieutenant Dyke of presidents.

I think Obama would make a good cruise director on a cruise ship. Hey, he gets paid to travel, talk-to and usher people around (read: community organizer), and seeing him in odd places like morning on the excursion boat or introducing La Cage aux Folles at midnight doesn't seem weird. There's no personal attribution given in any of his spoken words and to the majority of sunburned, straw-hat-wearing, got my socks on with my sandals clueless Americans who naturally gravitate to the cruise director to find out what they should do next, he has a purpose. At the end of the day, he gets to usher you back aboard even if you're not ready to go, charges you an unexpected re-entry "tax" to get back on the boat (nothing more than asset redistribution kickbacks called "tips" for the crew), and gets to blame the whole thing on the needs and policies of "the ship." When absolutely necessary, he's around. Most other times, he's a ghost. He has no real responsibility for the operation of the ship or the success of the cruise line in general and doesn't want any, but has a title that creates the appearance of responsibility, authority, experience, and it ever-so the paper tiger.

Wait! Without the part about having a purpose, the last paragraph actually sounds like Obama's current job. The most traveled President in history; no big surprise. Refer back to paragraph 2.

Hi! Welcome to the Fantasy of the Seas. I'm Barry, your Cruise Director.

World declares Americans totally clueless!

On a day-to-day basis, I put up with a host of stupid shit. From political correctness, the demise of dignity and honesty, the furtherance of the welfare state, silly drivers, testosterone-laden asswipes, devious politicians and lawyers, no corn in the commissary, no place to get a decent sandwich in this one-horse town (I'm not in Naples), no broccoli rabe in the Kroger, nothing good on TV and on and on, not to mention separation from my wife and kids because of work. Well, I mentioned it after all.

All this fades in comparison (for the next two minutes) to our country's mamby-pamby, touchy-feely insistence on lying to each other, mollycoddling each other, convincing each other that Americans have some sort of entitlement and guarding people from what they really need most...a wake-up call!!! Now people are upset that if they go into the Obama real-estate welfare bail-out program, their credit scores drop so it hurts them in trying to get loans, credit cards, etc.

What the F--K? Are you serious? Do you realize what you're saying?

REALITY CHECK: You're saying now that you're getting bailed-out by the government because you can't pay your home loan, you're mad because you can't...get another loan? Really? What the news is saying is it's bad that people who can't afford their houses can't sign up for more loans they can't afford to stack on top of the home loan they can't afford. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!! What friggin planet are you people on?

Oh, I forgot the mantra of the PC America..."we have a right to this" and "we have a right to that." Blah blah blah. I say exercise your right to remain silent, you freakin morons. Your right to force the government to skim money from the people who actually pay their bills and give to the dipshits that don't infringes on my rights and pushes a far too intrusive government even further into my life.

All this smacks of ignorance and greed. Ignorance as to how to manage your money, ignorance in not understanding the type of financial product you're buying, and ignorance in becoming far too leveraged (definition for the ignorant is you bought too much shit on credit, don't own your house or car, spend too much, and don't have any money in the mattress in case something bad happens. Everything that comes in goes back out). Greed comes in because Americans feel they're entitled to have everything they want no matter if they can afford it. They buy six-bedroom houses when they don't even have any kids, finance more than one vehicle per family, have an average of SIX credit cards (definition for the ignorant is you bought more shit than you can pay for because you're greedy). An average of six cards; think about that. Our education system must be producing masses of mindless drones that know absolutely dick about how to manage their money but fall easy prey to marketing...convinced they need every damned thing someone says they do.

I should really be able to beeyatch-slap people back into reality. It pisses me off that some of us have to carry the weight for ourselves and those that can't carry their own. Is it fair that people should be forced by the government to do that?
I say if you have a house you can't afford, a boat in the driveway on a loan you don't need next to the motorcycle you have on a loan sitting next to the jet-ski, two cars on loans (one with $2500 rims), six credit cards near their max limit, 57" flat-screen TV's and a garage filled to capacity with stuff you don't use, no money for a rainy day, no solid college fund for your kids and you're talking about how bad you need to put in a pool, all the while your gluttonous ass has gotten so fat a family of pygmies could live inside your butt-cheeks, I should be able to slap the piss out of you.

...but wait. I're entitled to be a jackass. Just don't crap on old Brainclogger.

March 11, 2010

Mexican becomes richest man in world. Subsequently erects border fence!

In a bizarre twist on isolationism, Mexican Carlos Slim, the richest man in the world (including the King of Bahrain and his solid silver car and 224-room house) threw up a border fence to keep more Americans from emigrating to his country. When asked for comment, he said "those damned gringos are becoming a strain on my country. There's no money here, why do they keep coming?" When asked if his riches would slow the flight of his countrymen to the "Great Satan" United States, he revealed his border fence will be like a raccoon can go through one way, but not come back out. Pressed for a reason why he would favor a fence that Mexicans can go through but not come back, he said "I have a G-5, what do I care? Besides, they'll get free health care there, so more money for me!"

Meanwhile, at his smallish 150 million-dollar home in Seattle, Bill Gates commented that Slim wouldn't be the richest man in the world if he indeed had to manufacture a product, saying "if I could just get those darned Malaysian kids to stop sleeping so much, we could get more work done. Two hours is good enough for any eight year-old."

Not to be outdone, after feeling a bit insecure, Warren Buffet sent an order to Boeing for a new 747 to add to his collection of private aircraft. His new mantra is apparently "my bizjet is bigger than his bizjet."

Cory Haim was enabled all the way into the ground.

What the f---k is an "addictionologist?" Whay are people in Hollywood of the opinion that doing less drugs is a sign of recovery? Drugs are drugs, and you're either addicted, or you're not.

He was an addict in a downward spiral, and it doesn't take a genius to know that.

He was a washed-up child star, and no one in Hollywood had the guts or love for him to teach that to him. Look aat the record:
-Danny Bonaduce- addiction problem, coping problem, other issues
-Andrew Koenig- What more can I say?
-Gary Coleman- should have quit after Different Strokes ended.
-Todd Bridges- same.
-Willy Ames- after washing up, he had money issues, became a minister, failed at that, and now is a registered financial advisor! How ironic.
-Tracy Gold- I don't even want to go there.
-River Phoenix- room temperature
-Lindsay Lohan- not going there either.
-Lisa Bonet- into obscurity
-McCaulay Culkin- What drug are you on today there, dude?
-Robert Blake- he was cool as Mickey, and good as Beretta, but should have quit when he was ahead
-Haley Joel Osment- until you stop seeing dead people, no driver's license for you
-Dana Plato- room temperature
-Dustin Diamond- convinced Screech was cool. Tricked into believeing it. Failed as a porn actor

Actually, the list is so entertaining, the link above goes to a website that gives an update on all the child stars.

Needless to say, no one told Cory Haim he needed to try college, the service, a supporting job, or even a spot on Dr. Drew.

Fairwell Bro, your so-called "friends" failed you.

Straight students denied their rights by Lesbian

ACLU...if i had a dime for every time they fell into the wrong side of an argument. What civil liberties are there for all the other kids in that school now? They're at the mercy of the gay agenda and the ACLU's anti-American activities. That's right, they're discriminating against all the other kids because they're NOT gay.

The girl wants to wear a tuxedo to the prom. That's great, a cross-dressing lesbian wants to bring her lesbian lover to the prom. Does one lesbian AWLAYS have to be the dude? Why do they assume male sex roles if they are female? What's next? Male gay students wanting to wear dresses to the Prom? Who is Prom "Queen" at that point? I guess it's automatic when a cross-dressing transvestite dude walks into the Prom.

Now this girl will have the rest of her life to deal with everyone else in her class she denied the high school ritual of Prom. Will the ACLU be with her for the rest of her life as she deals with that load of resentlment and anger? Probably not. Her parents will now get as much negativity as she does, and they probably deserve it. They failed to teach her that her activities may lead to discrimination against all the other kids, and obviously never heard "what's good for the many outweighs the needs of the one." Her parents should have told her that college is the place to press your cause, not in some Mississippi high school.

Will she pay the ACLU legal fees? Now the taxpayers of her town will have to fork over the dough for the defense, so she'll probably piss-off the entire town. Good going.

Forcing political correctness on people never works, but the ACLU will never understand that.

March 7, 2010

Oscars Utter Failure! Actors commit mass suicide!

Well, not really, but after watching all the self-indulgent,hero-worshipping horseshit for the few minutes I could stand, I felt like beating myself to death with the copy of Syriana I somehow have in my DVD collection.

They made it racist. Yep, they asked if the first African American would win a best Oscar of some type, I was paying more attention at that point to cleaning between my toes.

So they're giving awards to a computer-generated movie, eh? What's next...and the Oscar goes to Bugs Bunny? Avatar, for all it's grandeur, is a cartoon. A guy gets a cinematographer award for directing a cartoon? Lovely.

Somewhere, a soldier guarantees those "celebrities," the "beautiful people," their right to be pretentious blowhards. Are any of the actors thanking them? Only the guy that spent a year in Iraq before making The Hurt Locker.

Somewhere, a soldier is facing more fear and danger than any of those people ever will. Somewhere, a soldier is laying his life on the line...for them, and very few appreciate it. Sure, Brad Pitt made a military movie, but has he been to Iraq to see the troops? Tarantino makes a war movie, but has he been over yet? Hey Quentin, how did you get that new chin? You look so much like Jay Leno it's weird.

Keanu Reeves just called war an "alluring narcotic." What the f--k are you talking about? First off there, Neo, what do you know about it? Nothing. Okay Ted, put-up or shut-up. Go over and say thanks to the soldiers that protect you. Didn't bother shaving for the awards, eh? Nice. You looked like crap. Good choice.

Interesting to see the aging progeny of John Hughes. John Cryer and Anthony Michael Hall looked great. Molly Ringwald looked pretty good, but McCauley Culkin needs a bath and it looked like Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy shared some crystal meth before the show. Bender looks like he's been on a...well...bender. Ally looked like a tweaker as she invoked Peter Pan in some off-the-hip tribute to someone she should have thought harder for. Where was Rob Lowe or Andrew McCarthy? Were Robert Downey Junior in his oh-so-stylish blue shades, and Demi Moore (not Di-mee) too good to wander over and stand next to their fellow John Hughes actors? Come on Robert, we remember the jailbird drug addict you used to be.

Let me be the first to say Steve Martin isn't funny. Never was, never will be. If he gets out his freaking banjo I'll go smash my head with the front door against the door jamb until the piercing pain of banjo music goes away.

Oh Lord, I just saw Tim Robbins. Please say it isn't so. If I'm still, maybe he'll go away.

Hey! There's Jeff Lebowski! Jeff Bridges is being honored for Crazy Heart. Wow. He seems so normal. He seems like the one guy in the room you'd like to shoot pool or go fishing with. Others, like George Clooney, Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller and a number of others, you'd just like to kick in the teeth. Who knows, maybe they're great guys in person, but the level of arrogance, entitlement, and self-absorption I perceive from them makes me think they're really tools.

Hey! Jeff Bridges just got the Best Actor Oscar! Wow. To win it instead of Clooney makes me feel even better about it.

Crazy-eyed Forrest Whittaker is finally wearing glasses as he speaks about Sandra Bullock. Good choice. Quit whispering dude, I'm feeling a strange stirring in my loins.

I have a great idea! As the millionaires file out, have them all give half a million to Haiti Relief, and another half mill to the USO. That way the Hollywood hypocrites that did the Haiti relief telethon and those that refuse to go over and thank the troops can do their part, even if, for them, it's like throwing pennies to the peasants. Speilberg manning a stupid was that? Stiller's on-stage rant at the telethon was almost as idiotic as his dressing-up as an avatar to present an Oscar. Almost.

I think Sean Penn had a few cocktails. Uh, uh, uh, aren't actors paid to speak? Hey Spicoli, suits come from Brooks Brothers, not Blues Brothers. Add him to my list of people I want to kick in the teeth. Mr. anger management's next performance will be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. How did he carry a gun through New Orleans after Katrina and not get in trouble?

Jesse James cleans-up really nicely. I bet it's his wife's influence.

Barbara Streisand just had to say "well, the time has come" for the first woman to win Best director. Guess what...she set feminism back a couple notches by saying that. It's just like saying "you're just as good as a man," which presupposes the issue. If she didn't say that, the playing field would have been among directors, not directors, a black director, and a female director. Stupid Barbara.

Hey, the female director just thanked the troops. Excellent.

Hurt Locker wins Best Picture over Avatar! There really are people there somewhere with some sense. A story about soldiers doing life-and-death work over a cartoon and a stupid George Clooney movie (among others). Excellent. Wow, Ms. Female director just thanked the soldiers again, and also hazmat and emergency workers. I think the influence may be hers. Now that's leveling the playing field.

March 4, 2010

Wave hits cruise ship proving even the ocean hates the French!

"Louis" cruise lines? Really? Can we be more cliche? Why not Pierre Cruise Line or Jean Claude Cruises? Escargot Cruise Line? Hmm...1800 people piled into a big tin can eating goat thanks.

This eliminates the possibility of "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir" becoming the motto of the cruise line, unless you want people to "sleep with the fishes" in the Godfather sense of the phrase.

I can see Cloris Leachman in the movie History of the World Part 1 saying "death to King Loooeeeeeeee."

Sacrebleu! Translation? What the F---...

March 2, 2010

Call it "Dancing with the Has-been's, Wanna-be's, and Infamous."

Calling it "Dancing with the Stars" is becoming a bigger and bigger stretch every time.

Kate Gosselin? What in the world makes her a "star?" Is it because she can't take care of her children in private? Can't hold onto a man? Needs attention in order to survive? Or is it Hollywood's distorted vision of what makes someone a "star?"

Shannon Dougherty? Does bad behavior and a flagging career suddenly make you a "Star?" I think it's because they hope she mouths-off and gives the show some controversy. Maybe call it "Dancing with the Inappropriate."

Chad Ochocinco? This is a guy that doesn't even know who he is, yet is somehow labeled a "star"

Who's next? Heidi Fleiss? Richard Grieco? Deion Sanders? Why not "Dancing with the ex-cons?" Put Gary Busey on the show. Now there's some controversy. Paris Hilton and Nick Nolte too. Why not O.J.?

Hey, Octomom's a "Star." Why not Octomom and Ochocinco? There's an odd-couple that would draw some unnecessary attention.

How about "Dancing with the ex-cast of Baywatch?" They could do it in the red swimsuits and we can all see if Hasselhoff can stay sober long enough to samba!

How about "Dancing with the old cast of Star Trek versus the less-old cast of Star Trek? In the end, Shatner could duke-it-out with Patrick Stewart for who was the better captain. Maybe battle of the old Battlestar Galactica versus new Battlestar Galactica?

Why not hold the event in Haiti? Give the people there a distraction. Problem is, even Haitians would stand there and say "look at this stupid shit."

How about "Dancing with the Politically Correct Stars?" You could have Rosie stomp her hoofs around the dance floor with Janine Garofalo and Perez Hilton dance with whatever gay guy he chooses. Now there's some entertainment.

I'd like "Dancing with the Most Screwed-up Ex-Child Star!" Mandatory drug tests are now required...

I know, let's skip the whole thing and put something on TV that's not sheer silliness. Tell Gosselin, Ochocinco, and Dougherty to go away, their 15-minutes are over. Better yet, change the name so we can finally take the title "Biggest Loser" literally.

February 27, 2010

Bill Clinton surprised to find he shares Antichrist role...with his wife!

Mere days before Bill was to visit Haiti ...boom!!! ...Earthquake!

Fast-forward to today, mere days before Hillary is to be in Chile ...Boom!!! ...Earthquake!

What gives? Is the earth itself trying to tell us something? Is Slick Willy's heart condition forcing him to slide toward Gomorrah faster than he thought and his demon status is transferring to his main-squeeze? Hmmm....

Mr. Clinton seems to be a bit of a sad guy. I say what with "little Bill" getting little use since he left the White House, the effects from all his medications, a home life I can imagine makes eating glass preferable, and the cumulative effects of all of that thrown atop the skewed world view, despicable philosophy and characteristic self-loathing of all liberals, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt...maybe cut him some slack.

I look at Bill and suddenly hear the Soggy Bottom Boys singing "I'm a Man of Constant Sorrow." Ironically, if you go to You-Tube, the song is lip-synched by that leftist knucklehead George Clooney.

After two earthquakes, two political careers, and judging by recent photos two cases of constipation, I say now we have solid proof Bill is Hillary and Hillary is Bill..."Billary," it seems.

I bet when Al Gore comes over the house they greet him wearing robes and Carnival masks and holding paddles. I bet all the furniture is screwed to the floor and the housekeepers slip them sedatives in order to reduce the chances of an earthquake on Long Island.

Nostradamus said there would be three Antichrists and we've only seen two. He never said it had to be a dude. He said a "man" will rise to power by sheer force of personality alone and...wait...hold it...we have to look into Obama a bit more.

Nevertheless, you can't help but wonder about two scheduled visits, and two earthquakes. For the love of Pete! Please don't go to Jersey! No visits to Panama either...that's definitely out of the question. Ever since Carter, they don't like liberals anyway...

Dont buy anything from this spamming jackass!

Every day, they spam my blog, and do it to old entries in order to keep on doing it.

Don't buy anything from them.

By the way Dr. Pecker Checker, I don't need any of that crap you're peddling.

February 26, 2010

Bye Bye Boner

Dude, you shouldn't have done it. Ending your life doesn't fix the problem, it just transfers the hurt to your family and friends. It's s selfish act and something you shouldn't have done.

For anyone else thinking suicide is the answer, it sounds trifling, but remember what the reggae singer Shaggy said; "no matter how you're sad and blue, there's always someone that has it worse than you."

Why child actors think they're life is over if they aren't actors as adults is beyond me. Nothing lasts forever.

You know, I could really go crazy with the puns and sarcasm right now, but I won't. Andrew Koenig killed himself and that's just sad. I'll tear someone else up later.

Obamacare Ponzi Scheme makes Madoff Blush. How to really do it.

The "health care summit" looked to me like a bunch of frogs trying to fornicate a football. Down the rabbit hole they're in, no one has the presence of mind to realize what they're trying to do.

Democrats talk of "premium discrimination" and elimination of pre-existing conditions. Non-starter. If you treat a healthy, athletic 21 year-old kid the same as a 55 year old man with diabetes and three prior heart attacks, the system will be unsustainable.

By treating all people alike and disregarding pre-existing conditions, you eliminate the risk rating that lies at the heart of all insurance, and you tell people that for every dollar they put in, they're guaranteed to receive multiples of that dollar in benefits, thus the ponzi scheme.

Here's the fix:
-assign each person risk based on their health. This would require a preventive maintenance health checkup. At that time, you establish a preventative program. Hey, and ounce of prevention, right?
-place high-risk people in a high-risk pool in order to spread the risk among a mass group, thus lowering the premium for all in the group. The lower the risk, the lower the cost. THAT'S FAIR.
-Require the high-risk group to practice preventative measures like exercise, weight loss, etc. They give some effort toward the program that covers them. THAT'S FAIR.
-Reduce or eliminate the waste, fraud, and abuse in Medicare and Medicaid. Use the recovered money to pay for those unable to pay for their insurance. It's still taking money from Peter to pay for Paul, but much more palatable because of the trade off. Funny how we never expect the government to run a program free of waste, fraud, and abuse.
-establish a baseline medical benefit used as a COBRA for people on unemployment.
-require welfare recipients and those who simply refuse to work to perform some sort of labor for their medical benefit. Consider it community service.
-If a state establishes a better system, allow them to opt-out of the federal system.
-make insurance portability a law.
-eliminate medical conditions discovered at birth being considered pre-existing.
-establish a grace period for people to try and get into a lower risk group. For example, if someone is diabetic because of their weight, allow them time to drop weight. If they don't do it, then they go into the higher group. Put the responsibility on the citizen. THAT'S FAIR.
-Lay off union health care plans. If a union member pays for something, they should get it. If the unions can negotiate better plans than the government, don't penalize them. (Unbelievable I said that since I don't like unions)
-extend scholarships to more medical students and put them to work in the system after graduation. Same for nurses. The whole system will fail if they're aren't enough medical professionals.
-tort reform
-take the insurance company lobbyists out of DC and throw them in the Potomac.

The other option to these ideas is ask Bernie Madoff how to do it. You know what he'll say...

Canadian Hockey team has mass sex-change

First of all, do we really want women's ice hockey? I know I don't. I'm a firm believer that men's sports are for men, and women's sports are for women. Sorry, I'm a sloped-forehead, knuckle-dragging Philistine that believes chivalry isn't dead...but dying under the feminist agenda.

After that, do we really want them swilling beer and smoking cigars after beating the American team? Did they grab their crotches and spit like baseball players too? Did they pull out their false teeth and sneer at the cameras? Did anyone say "wow, this athletic supporter's really irritating me?" Were they farting and belching too? Did anyone sing "Oh Canada" in one continuous belch?

What of the girls under-age drinking on the ice? Boo I say, Boo. Who's idea was that?

The human drama of athletic competition...and women acting like men. The two are not compatible no matter how good the cigars were. Did they say to each other "take off" and "eh" repetitively in some sort of Strange Brew tribute?

Next thing you'll see is the female remake of Slap Shot. Wait! We already did. I say no to the Hanson sisters.

February 24, 2010

Never underestimate the power of "oops!"

Dude in his disturbing orange body suit and helmet skates in the wrong lane and loses Gold! He listened to the coach! What's a coach to do? Say "oops."

Told him to change lanes and shouldn't have? Oops!

Didn't count the laps and lane changes for your guy? You know, the one they compare to Michael Phelps in his sport and considered best in the world? Oops!

Didn't pay close-enough attention during the most important day in your racer's life, and probably yours? Oops!

Made your guy hysterical and absolutely inconsolable? Oops!

Made people wonder if you can count? Oops!

Probably going to have a negative encounter with his parents and your own Olympic committee? Oops!

I was channel-surfing at the time and magically caught the race. I don't even like speed skating, so what do I say? Oops.

Killer Whale ironic.

Yes, a trainer was killed by a Killer whale who killed her when she fell into the killer's jail-cell of a tank. It's a type of captivity that's the whale equivalent of being locked-up on Alcatraz...or the moon.

Was it one of the many Killer Whales so fond of swimming near Central Florida, or is it captive and it attacked one of its captors? Tormentors? Jailors?Here, we sentence you to live in this little tank instead of roaming the oceans and for your further insult, we'll make you perform for your captors like a trained, uh, well, whale.

What are we thinking? Why not train a shark? Train a badger! A hyena. How about a hive of Killer Bees? Was the word "killer" lost on you? Yes, Killer Whales are called Killer Whales for a reason. They're not cuddly-wuddly cutie-pie whales.

Trainers say they work tirelessly on their communication skills with the whales. What? Unless you're making high-pitched clicking and squeaking noises, making sounds pass through your skull and getting an answer, you're like a monkey scratching your ass in a tree! Why people think they can train WILD animals is beyond me. A tiger mauls Roy and everyone is shocked? Not me. I was the "told you so" guy. There's a reason why you don't mess with them.

Does anybody remember that Orca's are migratory and social species, traveling in groups called "pods?" What we've done is separate this marine mammal from his environment, isolated him from interaction with other whales, forced him to act abnormally by being alone and not roaming the ocean, prescribed what it eats and when, and we expect these beasts to be friendly, happy, circus-freaks. It's solitary confinement with forced labor!!! How would you like it? Here you are, Mr. Twelve-thousand-pound animal, have a couple little fish and show me a trick. Wrong answer. You can tell it doesn't get enough to eat because if it did, it wouldn't perform.

Until we "Free Willy," I say make all their trainers and the Sea World people live in solitary confinement and let them see how they like it. I say they don't have to "train" a whale to do what a whale does...they "train" it to do what humans want it to do. If it had a vote, I bet it would say it wants to be free. LET IT GO!

February 22, 2010

Whatever happened to "Celebrity Fight Club?"

Remember that show? An animated comedy program where celebrities meet each other in the ring?

With the rising popularity of mixed-martial arts, the Ultimate Fighting Championships and World Extreme Cage fighting, I think they need to bring it back, but make it real this time.

Wouldn't you love to see Eastwood put George Clooney in a choke hold? Vin Diesel ground-and-pound Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, or Ben Affleck? How about Ryan Reynolds lay the smackdown on Kal Penn? Come-on, you know you'd like to see that. How about Denis Leary in a match with Jon Bon Jovi?

I'd like to see the "battle of the Matthew's." McConaughey versus Damon versus Dillon versus Modine versus Broderick...all at once.

How about Brad Pitt putting the Moi-Tai death grip on Jack Black? Reaching back to yesteryear, Robert Downey Jr. versus Andrew McCarthy, Matthew Broderick versus Jon Cryer, and the ultimate in getting even, Emilio Estevez against his brother Charlie Sheen. It would be great!

How about Patrick Dempsey against Rob Lowe? C. Thomas Howell against anyone he chooses? Paybacks are a bitch! Judge Reinhold against Judd Nelson with Molly Ringwald as the girl holding the cards for each round!

What about battle of the pretty boys? Keanu versus Johnny Depp? Even better, has-been Richard Grieco against Depp in a grudge match! I'm not talking slap-stick Three Stooges-style action, but inside the octagon throwing down! Nick Nolte versus Gary Busey! Now there's a freak show! Mel Gibson versus Kevin Costner.

Wouldn't it be nice to see Vince Neil get some payback? Joe Perry finally slap-down Steven Tyler? You know he wants to. I got it! Sting versus Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland! Justin Timberlake against the rest of his old boy-band.

David Caruso against Jimmy Smits! Yep, revenge for NYPD Blue. Come on, let's get creative. Has-been Hasselhoff against has-been David Chokachi. Mark Wahlberg against his brother...hey, Band of Brothers doesn't make up for being a Backstreet Boy.

Bill Maher versus Glenn Beck?

Tell me who you'd like to see.

Get me a rolled-up newspaper!

Politicians aren't listening again. It seems Willy Wonka is their most cherished philosopher..."a little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men." Only problem is the nonsense is nonstop.

Little children get a mild-mannered, unnaturally high pitched "no no no." Older kids get a stern talking to, a spank on the butt, a time-out, stand in the corner, the rack, a taste of soap, or whatever appropriate measure. (I bet the rack startled you). Don't obey the speed limit, get a ticket. Run a toll booth, get a ticket. Don't pay your bills...say goodbye to your credit, pay more in fees, have the house taken away, or go to jail. Hear "yes" when a woman says "no," and it's straight to the pokey with you. If you have a dog that keeps peeing on the floor, a rolled-up newspaper gets their attention. If you're an uppity horse you get the "switch," a device that clamps down on their lower lip and low-and-behold, instant compliance.

Soldiers get sent on rucksack marches, sailors stand extra watches, Marines sweat it out on the "quarterdeck," and zoomies in the Air Force have their golf game cut to only nine holes. It's about consequences and paying a penalty for not listening.

Politicians on the other hand, publicly brag about receiving bribes (Mary Landreu), getting special favors and payola (Nelson), have their PAC's and rich families pay their way into office (Pelosi, Kerry, Patrick Kennedy), put communists and former terrorists on their staff and swear up and down they'll cut-out every earmark and pork project while doing the exact opposite (Obama), give away American property, endanger our sovereignty, leave entire nations in ruins and yet still receive praise (Carter), receive sexual favors and start a new line of "special" cigars and remain in office (Clinton), trade her dignity for a political position (another Clinton), bitch about the environment while being the biggest polluter and energy user in the known universe (Gore), and now, they concentrate on what they consider necessary for political advantage in DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO THE NEEDS AND DESIRES OF THE PEOPLE. Like Thomas Jefferson said, "democracy is sometimes where 51% of the people deny the rights of the other 49."

A poll came out recently asking if those that currently govern have the consent of those governed, and the results were horrible. It's clear that partisan cronyism is more important than the needs of the people. What was it Mr. Spock said? "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one?" Politicians should watch more Star Trek and less American Idol.

Can I borrow Teddy Roosevelt's "big stick" for a moment? Hand me the switch...these bastards just aren't hearing me. It seems the beltway is like a force field shielding politicians from seeing what's going on beyond it's boundary. It's no use for them to go home either since they return to their "compounds" and other such isolated places.

Hand me that jug of Gatorade! Like a reversal of what happens at the end of a game, we'll throw the icy beverage over the losers in government! If any of them ever came to my house, they'll get the garden hose. I'd use a rolled-up newspaper, but seeing how most of the papers are liberal rags, the politicians would probably enjoy it. Maybe I'll use the Onion.

How about a rolled-up copy of the Constitution?

February 21, 2010

Danica bites the hoo, no film at eleven

So Jay, you say everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens in the Danica Patrick experiment? I have news for you buddy...I absolutely don't give a shit. In fact, if there was something greater than not giving a shit, it would be that.

Political correctness runs amok in NASCAR! Looky looky, there's a female racer so let's give her all the attention and every bit of slack, albeit it however deserved...or not. I say let her stand on her own two feet, stop mollycoddling her, and if she decides one day that being a short-term NASCAR tourist isn't so vogue and she wants to take it seriously, then give her some attention.

Hey wow! More NASCAR metaphors for being a leftist, just like my last entry! They prop-up someone who doesn't have the chops to make it on their own, adorn them with phony praise and unnecessary worship, speak of how this is the "new face" of NASCAR, and when the driver disappoints, make excuses for her, give her a pass out the door, and claim she was only a part-timer at it. In the end, it's a nice "experiment," and all the personality cult around her will say how gallant and noble she is, how she tried so hard, and how she was at some sort of disadvantage from the start. Like Jack Sparrow said, "utterly ridiculous twoddle-speak says I."

All I see is a woman not winning over men and throwing a hissy-fit. It's not a show of sportsmanship, but rather a display of temper and ego worthy of NASCAR. Ran off to the trailer did you? I know, like in other man-versus-woman endeavors, let's give the men a handicap. Better yet, let's have an all-woman NASCAR league! We can't have men's only basketball, mixed martial arts, lumberjack sports, surfing, fishing, golf, colleges, military schools, clubs, boxing, soccer, or anything else for that matter, so what say you? Hey, after all, nothing I like better than seeing tattooed, sneering women in the ring smashing each other in the face, choking the life out of each other, pulling off their shirts after scoring a goal, and out-and-out being ignored on the basketball court. Not. Was I inspired by the fact Muhammad Ali's daughter took-up the family business? Not at all.

Well, sometimes I watch the WNBA (ironically the acronym isn't in my spellchecker)out of morbid curiosity with maybe I'll be watching the trumped-up, artificially hyped show when it breathes its last breath. It's also heartening to see women dressed like men playing a sport for men only turned into a women's sport out of political correctness. Do you think they wear jock straps? Interesting when you see tattoos of women...on women. Are you thinking I'm Mr. "wipe the chicken-wing sauce from my face and smack the Hooter-girl's butt while I watch the WWE Divas on TV?" Nope, I'm definitely not that guy. In fact, I'm pro-female, much more so than lesbian leftist pseudo-feminists like Rosie or Janine. I believe women have rights that feminists actually deny.

Tell you what...if Danica ever comes on the metro train when I'm there or is behind me walking up to a door, she better not pull a hissy fit if I offer her my seat or open the door for her. I do that for women, so don't hurt me. It's a gentlemanly thing to do...I'm not threatening you.

The curse of counter-clockwise

I think NASCAR is a giant metaphor for leftist liberals in government. Go fast, turn left, don't see anything other than what's happening around you, consider yourself the center of attention, make people come to you, follow all your other leftist buddies, make it an exclusive club only people like you can get into, chase the racer in front of you even if he is running near dead-last; keep turning left and never, ever even consider going right, set-up your car and the entire venue around the track to focus on the left; then make token appearances to the bourgeoisie rabble riff-raff so they can praise you and you can feel you're giving it however self serving. In the end, orchestrate the nepotism necessary to put one of your relatives in your car thus establishing the "dynasty."

It's a system, with each element centered around the art of going left, just like other track-related activities like the pit, the metaphor for being out of office. Once there, you turn left and wait until you get another chance to go back out and turn left again. To be truly fair, I think NASCAR races should do one half of the race turning left, and the other turning right. Shake up the system, see a different perspective, and eliminate the leftist juggernaut by evening-out the playing field. Hey, if you're the best going left, let's see if you're the best going right.

One aspect of NASCAR should bother liberals...the idea that the fastest qualifier gets to be in front. Libs can't handle that, instead favoring the time-dishonored tradition of the leader being the crafty old lefty that filled a seat the longest or supports the leftist cause most vehemently. Winning the pole position is probably the singular conservative idea in the leftist world of racing. The cars are required to be the same (bordering on communism), the winner is required to perform some act like drink milk in the winner's circle (the area where the winner is required to report in order to receive praise by other lefties, just like Hollywood leftists at the Oscars), and the "governing body" proclaims and enforces the self-serving rules as they see fit.

One issue that on the surface should bother liberals is really supported by them, and that is the idea of corporate sponsorship. While on the surface they preach everything is even-Steven and all would be status quo if each car was painted flat black with no decals or sponsor names, behind the scenes their secret and sometimes dirty-dealings with those having a keen interest in racing (read PAC) is what really drives the train and decides what is in the best interest of the "sport." This lining of the pockets is unfortunately what the whole show is really about...cold-hard-cash, control, and furthering the leftist cause. Part of the money is even spent on convincing people coming to see the show that the whole thing is really about them. Here, wear this shirt, put this sticker on your own car (thus putting your position on the vehicle you paid for), and cheer for me (sounds like an election to me).

Yes, the curse of counter-clockwise is alive and well. Culturally, try to shake some one's hand with the left and you're bound to hear "wrong-hand." Some cultures call the left the "dirty hand," avoiding it entirely. Hey, ironic that our current president is left-handed!

Turn right, folks...turn right.

Skeleton girl has a magic helmet!

I don't think they were looking at the right thing. Her helmet gave her an advantage? Hey, we protest her helmet! Please.

What I saw was a woman in a skin tight outfit, laying face down and buns-up on a sled with her arms at her side making it look like her butt was sticking-up even higher. I didn't look at the helmet. Brainclogger being the red-blooded heterosexual he is was looking at her ass. To think she has a British accent and might go have a stout and some bangers and mash after the race makes it all that much better.

Actually, I'll stick with Mrs. Brainclogger, but come on, her helmet made all the difference? Maybe it was her day? Maybe she threw caution to the wind and hung it all out there kamikaze-style? Maybe the others were a bit slower than usual? Maybe the track was fastest when she slid and her order in the race made a difference? Maybe her sled rails were better prepared? Maybe her butt had something to do with lowering her wind resistance? Who knows.


Robin Williams is an Ass!

I just watched his comedy special on HBO and three things struck me:

1. It wasn't funny
2. His comedy is a droning diatribe of dick jokes, drug jokes, attacks on conservatives, potty humor, and vulgar language.
3. He's a flaming liberal that needs an ass-kicking

To bash the former president is tired enough, but to say he stopped doing coke because he realized his mother was on the one dollar bill is not only completely inappropriate, but indicative of how far this worn-out hack has to go for a laugh. I have news for you there, Mork, no one laughed at that, and unless you grew-up on some other planet, people's mothers are off limits.

When will the Hollywood liberals lay off Mr. Bush? When will they realize that their selective memories leave out one very important happening during the Bush presidency that shaped the rest of it...9-11. If 9-11 didn't happen, I'm sure his presidency would have been far different.

What the liberals fail to remember is the terrorists didn't get the chance to do it again in the US because of President Bush. They have him to thank for their very ability to bash him. It's like saying you don't like cops until you need one, then criticizing how they do their job afterward. He kept all of them safe; they selectively forget that fact.

Liberals also like to blame President Bush for what happened in New Orleans after Katrina. Again, their selective memories fail to acknowledge the storm was over, people were safe in a city built under water, and then the levees broke.

Now the liberals stand by and let their lackluster lackey in the White House blame his predecessor for everything. Weak, weak, weak. When you take charge of an organization, it becomes yours, and what you do on your watch isn't judged by what the one before you did, but what you did. Of course, liberals seem all too ready to give their guy a free pass to be nothing more than the campaigner-in-chief.

So, what have we learned? Robin Williams isn't funny, liberals have selective memory, and people's mothers are off limits.

February 20, 2010

Snowboarder Lago goes home after "scandalous" pictures hit the internet

Dont Go Scotty! Dude! Don't go! Stay! Embrance your heterosexual behavior! Relish in your rebellious snowboarder culture!

In today's PC society, two things people tend to forget are first, no matter where you go, you can always find some sleazy broad ready to drop to her knees to kiss something, and second, if it was a guy that went to his knees to kiss the medal, no one would have the guts to say a damn thing.

You're not Tiger Woods and his bevy of strippers, or the governor of South Carolina and his lying to the whole state reference his whereabouts and flying all the way to South America for a "liaison." You're not even Michael Phelps doing a bong hit! That's right, the sweetheart of the olympics shows up in his 1960's B-space movie silver coat and he's a media darling, and thank goodness for the media's short-term memory, right?

A young kid wins a medal and does some partying. No drugs, it wasn't someone else's wife (at least I don't think so), and she did what she did of her own free will so where's the problem? Not appropriate conduct? Mr. Kettle, this is Mr. soon as you stop the professional athletes from competing in your "amateur" event, stop selling-out to corporate greed, and decide to concentrate on sport instead of turning the event into a metaphor for global conflict, your little rules of conduct are assinine.

Maybe if Lago was doing a bong hit with Phelps standing next to him, you would have said nothing. Whatever happened to loving the rebels and young upstarts? Is what happened at the party really more important than his accomplishment? We've had Presidents spoodge on their interns in the White House and they stayed at the show!

Maybe we should blame Harvey and the scandal soldiers at TMZ? Do they have to broadcast everything they receive? This kid will probably be embarrassed about this for the rest of his life, and he suffers any sort of issues over it, TMZ is to blame. He's a kid. Remember when you were 21 and thought you knew everything, only to reach 31 or 41 and realize all you didn't know?

Stay Dude, Stay! Get ten more chicks to kiss the medal. Get the Flying Tomato to kiss it too before his head is too big to fit in the room.

Scotty Lago is my new hero!

February 19, 2010

Tiger yells "shut-up, beeyatch!" to both men and women

Actually, Brainclogger needs to tell some stupid whores to shut the F--K up! Patti Poon-Stanger, the hagged-out, bad-hair hostess of the severely anti-man TV show "Millionaire Matchmaker," the show where one gold-digging slut teaches others how to trick a man in order to get his money, tells us " I can read body language," and Tiger isn't sincere. Well, well, well, look who we get our commentary from. This is the same body language used to help trick men into parting with their money, just like, should I say it? Street walking, man-milk-guzzling, mattress-backed street whores. Ooh, harsh, isn't it?

The mistress...rather, one of Tiger Woods' weak-willed, shit-brained, starry-eyed gravy-train jumping tramps decides she's going to hold her own press conference with her celebrity attorney after Tiger's press conference. Holy smoke, a stripped who suddenly thinks she's someone special! Is your name Moll Flanders? Guess what honey, you're famous for dropping your drawers for a guy with money, just like, a street walking, man-milk-guzzling, mattress-backed street whore. The celebrity attorney in this case is nothing more than a pimp. Could it be pimp-ette? Okay, for sake of argument, she's a media whore, thrown in with the other whores.

Let's set the record straight. Wandering eyes-forgivable. Went to the strip club-forgivable. A little fellatio in the limo after a night out drinking by a girl dealing them out with no one special in particular-forgivable. Hey, what's okay for the president is okay for Tiger...but dip your junk into another woman-unforgivable! That's right! I say ONE affair is unforgivable, so I won't even entertain the severity of two slutty strumpet six-packs. At least twelve tarts-a- laying...come on fellas, golf or no golf, he swore to everyone, in church, to God that he would honor his wife and forsake all others, and he didn't do it.

GRETA's upset with him. That's good, she's credible and has righteous anger. I won't go into my aversion to her cosmetic surgery. GAWKER says he needs her more than she needs him. I say yes and no. While he is clearly the mental midget in the relationship and far weaker from a moral fiber perspective, the mere fact the issue is how much ass he's getting and how much of his vast fortune she would get indicates he can go down either route with equal ease. He can, however, count as a blessing the traumatic episode on Thanksgiving night. Without that, the booty count could have gone even higher, the public shame and embarrassment even more shocking. Hey, if he was caught in the sack with another woman, got one pregnant, or came home with a disease, this thing would be too sordid even for TMZ.

For men to forgive him so readily speaks to the weakness of men. The feminizing of our society speaks to the weakness of men. Just look at TV lately; shows like Millionaire Matchmaker" and the commercials during the Superbowl (a traditionally male event) bashing men at every turn. The new thing is to use men as sport, to emasculate them, to show them wearing clown shoes.

For women to give us our rightful place in life, we can't forcefully take it, we can't scream about it, and we can't bow-down or bend-over for women. We have to show them by the strength of our morality and our integrity that we're solid, steadfast, and serious about our convictions. Such conduct tells women we are strong yet gentlemanly, strong yet caring, and both respectful and deserving respect. Don't dismiss what Tiger did. If you do, when your woman cheats on you for having character of an imbecile, you can forget about that and about your self-respect at the same time. Let her cheat on's okay. Men will be the downfall of men, it seems.

There's an old saying "a thousand years can't replace a moment's lost integrity." It's true no matter if it's Kobe Bryant using words like "axkin," saying he's "wif" his wife (he was going for "with"), muttering "erf" instead of earth, or Tiger Woods speaking eloquently, be it ever so contrived and scripted. I say shame on both of them, and shame on Clinton too, and all the other cheaters that ask for forgiveness. Marriage is a zero-defect arrangement when it comes to laying down with other women, no matter how much money you have. Think of it as a one-round shotgun with the safety off and a hair trigger pointed at your head; you know it's loaded, and what will happen, so for your own safety and self-preservation you just don't mess with it. If you do, those that see your scattered mess of a head and say "what a dumb-shit, screw him, he was an ass anyway" about you should say the same if you get caught cheating.

Regardless of the outcome, it begs the question...if these guys weren't so famous, would the women have stayed with them? The feminist view should be that the wife should tell him to get lost, take the money and go home. It won't be. Especially not for that Matchmaker chick. They said nothing when Hillary stayed with Bill for political purposes. They told Monica Lewinsky "you go girl." They told Kobe's wife to stay for the money, and they'll probably tell Elin Woods to do the same. Then there's the issue of never, ever commenting when women step out on their husbands. Madonna makes a fool of herself with A-Rod and all they say on the View is "doesn't she look fabulous!" But I digress.

February 17, 2010

Victim of "Olympification."

Maybe it's Olympication, or Olymptrophy, or even Olympicitis?

This girl snowboarder doesn't win and they practically lampoon her for it. People win and people lose, but the emphasis on the fact Miss Jacobellis couldn't pull it off not only points to a press that has no dignity, but disregards the other competitors that raced that day. From what I read she wasn't even the favorite to win, so I say lay off her.

The real problem, yet again, is making certain sports Olympic events. I think some are chosen only to appeal to a certain audience, not because they deserve entry. Don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of professional athletes competing in what was ALWAYS intended to be a showcase of amateur athletes. Now they reach deep into obscure sports and make them Olympic events, and it's just idiotic.

I call it the olympification of sports, and I think part of the motivation for it is insecurity. Countries think winning Olympic events is helpful to their image, their national pride, and a salve for their bruised egos or ruffled feathers caused by perceived insignificance. The US sends their professional basketball players to stomp all over other countries, the world sends professional tennis players, even paying their expatriates to come back to the "motherland" and on and on.

Then comes the "x" factor. For years, people thinking ski jumping, curling, or biathlon were too slow and obscure to attract a TV audience thought some "X" game sports would make good entertainment so they brought in the snowboarders. Half-pipe...good. Snowboard jump...also good. Snowboard downhill? Eh, that's pushing it, but the snowboard cross is just reaching, grasping at straws. What's worse, the snowboarders that claim to be "counter-culture" or anti-establishment don't realize they sold-out in order to get on TV. Yep. Sorry kids, when what's-his-name spins-up a controversy about his nickname (the flying tomato), he's a sell-out. What was it I said about insecurity?

Think about it; if the games were really about sport, it would be all amateur and there wouldn't be so much emphasis placed on the by-country "medal count." There would not be such an effort for racers to put sponsor labels on their clothes for people to see, kick-off their ski's or snowboards so fast so they can hold them up for the camera, and the news would report who trained the hardest, won the most prior competitions, and then subsequently kicked ass instead of focusing on some one's misfortune or making someone considered pretty such a topic. Go ahead and make an issue out of some snowboarder wearing tight pants. I know! Make the females wear mini-skirts, big furry boots and hats! Now that's entertainment. Skin still sells where I come from, but faux fur only, please. Oh, and if you let professionals in, then some female luge racer that made her sled a bit too heavy can go ahead and race.

What's next for the winter games? Snowball fights as a metaphor for global armed conflict? Snowman building? the politically correct world of today, it would have to be "snow-person." After all, the feminizing of the world has to continue, right?

How about toboggan? I know, luge and skeleton are toboggan-on-steroids, but they don't really show it much on TV. Besides, you can enter in the degree of difficulty of spending some time in the lodge drinking before the event. THAT's how people really toboggan so why not give it a go? Why not snowboard moguls? Figure skating against an opponent dressed as your favorite cartoon character? Speed skating while carrying an enormous cup of coffee? (winner crosses the line the fastest with the most coffee remaining in the cup, sponsored by Starbucks). Downhill skiing while avoiding getting shot by a paintball. Snowboarders towed up the slope by snowmobiles and the snowboarders armed with wiffle-ball bats to use on the other boarders! Get to the top without your boarder and you lose! Run to the top of the slope from the bottom while being pursued by angry dogs. Now there's a nail-biter for you! How about the race to the ski area over slick, snow and ice-covered roads in order to beat the lift lines? Now there's reality TV for you!

If the Olympics keeps going in their current fashion, one day it will be NASCAR, MMA, snowboarding, paintball, golf...and figure skating. It's the "olympification" of the Olympic games. Go for the ratings, not the athletics. After all, who can explain the fact people actually watch golf on TV? Forget about the "human drama of athletic competition, people just want to see Sarapova play for the Russians. Make no mention of the fact she's an American. It all makes drag racing so much more attractive. Put it in the snow and it would be a great winter game.

February 15, 2010

Did you know???

In Spanish-speaking countries they don't have the option to "Press 2 for English?"

In predominantly Korean-speaking areas of our country, they don't do "press 2 for Korean," yet STILL do "press 2 for Spanish." Same with French, Italian, Armenian, Creole, and other areas of our country.

They even ask you if you want to continue in Spanish at ATM's on INDIAN RESERVATIONS! What the F---?

Do you know how silly it is to press a button to continue in English?

Do you know one of the only countries in the world to NOT declare a national language is the US? Political correctness = spineless leadership.

Do you know it's gotten so bad in Miami that foreigners working there chastise Americans that don't speak Spanish? Yep, it happened to Brainclogger at Sam's Club. That was lots of fun.

Do you know it's actually easier to speak English than Spanish? Yep. Try remembering all the verb tenses and masculine/feminine references in Spanish. It makes you freaking crazy! soy, son, somos, es, esta, este, estan, estamos, arggh! La cabeza de Brainclogger es por todas partes. (Brainclogger's head is everywhere)

All this makes me there English Braille and Spanish Braille, or is it just Braille?

Hollywood, Dollywood, or Bollywood?

Three "woods." and only one really gives me any.

Hollywood is full of fakes, frauds, wanna-be's, bloviating liberal jackasses, drug addicts, broken hearts, broken dreams, the "beautiful" people (remember, beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone), distorted reality, misplaced priority, the phony famous and the pretend royalty. Ouch...harsh, but true. Look at what they consider entertainment. We've gone so far down into the moral sewer we watch shows about "celebrity" drug addicts at their worst, wealthy "housewives" famous for bad behavior, the new form of the dating game that comes with cash and a little nudity (bachelor/bachelorette), mental midgets with far too many offspring behaving badly, the search for yet another unnecessary "idol" (what is it they say about false idols?), hairdresser competitions, the search for another anorexic uneducated female mannequin and other such television that just sucks the brain out of your head.

Maybe it's because people pay Hollywood types so much unnecessary attention. Yes, Megan Fox is a real nice piece of ass, albeit a child, but from what I hear, she's also a snotty, immature, conceited pain in the ass. Johnny Depp wears a Che Guevara pendant. Does he understand Che was a jailer responsible for the murder of nearly 15,000 people and wildly racist? Does he know Che said every man, woman, and child in America should be exterminated and blacks live a frivolous life of drunkenness? Nice hero Johnny picked. Dipshit. Sexy and stupid...I thought Hollywood only liked women that way? That comment should piss someone off.

Don't worry, Hollywood won't change. The people that like the status quo are in charge. No wonder Brainclogger can't get his little mystery novel represented by anyone with balls enough to take on someone new...but I digress.

Dollywood is full of fakes, frauds, wanna-be's, etc., etc., but at least you can get a beer there and they have rides that can't give you herpes like in Hollywood. (get it?) Truth be told, whatever they're injecting into Dolly's hide to preserve her, send me a case or two! She's still cute. Of course, no one believes those breasts wouldn't reach for the floor unless augmented to do otherwise. You can't really call them fake though, since they're covered in real skin. Also, Dollywood can probably get away with using the term "Hoe-Down" since they're in the country, something you could never do in Hollywood. The meaning is entirely different.

Then comes Bollywood. Wow. I look at the pictures of the actresses and have to just sit and stare. Smoking hot. They look conspicuously natural. I don't see "over-the-top breast implants, tramp-stamp tattoos or Asian writing that probably says "hey, I'm a whore" instead of something spiritual like the girls think they do. Hopefully tattoo artists have a sense of humor. I don't see wild hair colors or women so obsessed with their bodies they start to look like men. It's not trashy, tacky, or fake to the naked eye. All the men look regal, intelligent, and interesting. Maybe it's just the great hair, I don't know.

Hollywood can learn a lot from Bollywood, and hopefully the latter doesn't aspire to become the former. Please don't.

February 13, 2010

The Hypocrits of Haitian Relief

Yep, Ben Stiller spent a bunch of time in Haiti. Yeah, yeah. He looked so clueless I almost felt bad for the guy. Madonna? Come on, if Madonna ever went there, she would have adopted some of them instead of searching the Congo for rental offspring. The "Billion-Dollar Man," Steven Speilberg "donated" time to ask ordinary Americans for $10 bucks a pop? Wow! Say it isn't so! Such a benevolent act...I think I'm about to vomit.

I think this goes back to my problem with "celebrities," and the f'd-up priorities people have around here. I can bet people made calls to the event for the sheer possibility of speaking to someone like Julia Roberts. If old Brainclogger called, he would have given the candy-ass, primadonna Hollywood types a tongue lashing about sticking their hands into their gold-lined pockets and kicking-in some of their own dough instead of being the hypocrites they are. I'd like to see a number of them thrown into the octagon with Kimbo and Silva! If they can reach into their wallets before they succumb to the rear naked choke, they only have to donate half the required amount.

You could tell some of the performers only did it to get a chance to be seen on TV, as a couple of the songs may not have been appropriate to the event. Also funny how the 20-million-per-picture crowd sat quietly answering the phone. In the end, the event raised $64 million. If a few of the A-list made a decent contribution they could have done that on their own...but they didn't. Well, reportedly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie forked over seven figures with no fanfare, proving some of them can actually count. However, that's a pittance to them and they know it. Don't even get me started on that bleeding-hearted hypocrit Springsteen. (Hey Bruce! As a side note, please don't send the Haitians any copies of Diesel and Dust...the last thing we need is a mass suicide)

Enough about this. Oh, and whatever my issue is with these hypocritical ass-wipes...Kid Rock was still cool.

Where are the "Quotation Marks?"

"Celebrity" Rehab. The word "celebrity" should have quotation marks, but it doesn't. Look at the "D" list "celebrities" they refer to on "Celebrity" Rehab, and quotes become even more justifiable. Dennis "pin-cushion" Rodman? Rodney King? Heidi "what the hell did I do to my lips" Fleiss? Bridget "rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" Nielsen? Wow! I guess the A-list celebrities either do better drugs, have better doctors, or pay their publicists enough to not sell their clients out to a tacky, pathetic, reality show about how screwed-up their gravy train is. Maybe that's a testament to the trustworthiness of people that represent "celebrities," or maybe an indication of the ridiculousness of the whole "celebrity" thing in the first place.

Who are we calling "celebrities" in this instance? Singers, actors, a former whore (come-on, "madam's" don't start out as madam's), models...basically people who wouldn't be missed if they just went away. In that world, there's someone ready at any time to take your place in the "celebrity" mill of Hollywood. So "starved" for attention, they'll take any sort of "interest" in them, even at their lowest point. Apparently they don't realize that after a life of "look at me, look at me," there comes a point when you really don't want someone to look.

Maybe the rehab show is made up by "higher profile" people as a deterrent in order to have something where they can look at a guy like Tom Sizemore and say "wow, poor bastard, better him than me." If you want people to say "wow, people that have so much money they can live in a "rehab center," looking either for pity or to squeeze the last bit of coin out of their fleeting "celebrity,"'re doing a good job. I say "take a baseball bat to all of you." Fame, fortune, and a life of privilege, but with a mind too weak to handle it. Old Brainclogger would love to feel the need to "handle" having money and adoration thrown at him. I bet my "anger management" issues with "celebrity" losers would lighten-up a bit. Or maybe not.

I know! A show called "Celebrity Downward Spiral," where you chronicle a "celebrity's" self-destruction. Go all the way from where they soil themselves on whatever drug they feel is important enough to trade for their self respect, have all their expensive crap repossessed, find out who they thought of as a friend thought of them as a meal ticket, ending in a dramatic climax where your last performance would be "etched" into the minds of people...for at least for 30 seconds. Some ideas include: a leap from a bridge holding an anvil and dressed like Bugs Bunny;a swim with sharks with a dead seal tied to your leg;stepping into a cage full of starving Rottweilers with a raw t-bone tied around their neck;skydiving with golf umbrella as a parachute, trying to outrun an avalanche (quite the metaphor for a drug addiction), painting yourself as an American flag and streaking through the Haj; dressing as a terrorist and taking a dump on the hood of a car on the starting line of a NASCAR race while yelling "rednecks are all fags"; or getting caught in the rope on an episode of "Deadliest Catch?" Now that's "entertainment"---in quotation marks.

February 8, 2010

Want a book about...

...the fight between good and evil? Want to go along on an adventure with a team of soldiers that takes them to Panama, Cuba, Jamaica, Florida? Like to get to know two guys from Philadelphia, one an orphan and renowned ass-kicker, and his best friend from a good Italian family? Would you like some evil, corrupt types and some death and destruction? How about a real story of friendship? What about some quirky personality traits like using the names of songs in their regular speech, quoting works of literature and historic people, using every spare moment to go fishing and surfing, or in search of a great cup of coffee? Want to laugh and cry reading the same book and come away feeling the main characters are good guys with unique personalities and you can't wait to read the next in the series? Want this all in the same book?

You'll have to wait. Looks like I have to publish it myself.

Agents make me mad!!!

I'm not talking about doing things I feel ashamed about, or find pleasurable in guilty, behind closed-door ways. They make me mad because they force me to do something I despise, deplore, loathe, and out-and-out detest...they force me to try and sell, and both inevitably and think like a salesman. It's called a "query letter," and I'd like to kill the next guy that offers me advice on how to write one.

In layman's terms, it sucks. I wrote a book recently. Probably not a great book. Hopefully, a marginally good yet entertaining work that someone, somewhere, someday might read on an airplane or spill beer on while sitting on the beach, or if you're like my dad, use for a coaster along with any other thing I may bring into the house, be it however important only to me...but I digress.

I want to write the next book, not put on my white shoes and play Death of a Salesman! I think it's safe to say, be it ever so bold, that agents now find themselves in the cottage industry of selling the "secrets to getting published," and have turned the publishing industry into a "make it big or not at all," bureaucratic freak show. Why not say "if you're not David Baldacci, then go away" on your agent information and be done with it?

I could be the next "somebody or other," and could have a series of books ready to go that can keep an agent making money for years, but without huckstering properly, no one will ever know. This book might make a great movie, but without spending the time learning how to sell it to someone whom obviously doesn't care and won't take the time to look past the first five pages, I'm just a guy with a year's worth of nights I could have spent doing something else!

I'm starting to wonder when the first person will use the term "how droll," or tell me I'm sophomoric, pedantic, or some other high-brow phrase rather than say "it's not for me" like the hundred+ agents have so far? Thanks for the form letter, automated response, don't call us-we'll call you crap sent by your starry-eyed little coed assistant. See the potential in someone based on an 88-word blurb. Yep, that makes sense. Next time you buy a car, don't even get in before you buy it. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to give someone money and they're telling me to pack it up my ass. No, it's not "chick-lit." No, it isn't a book about how great it is to be gay, or some young-adult teen beat bullcrap. Funny how agents choose books based on the needs of their portfolio and the current market trend as opposed to entertainment value, if the author has anything else planned, and if someone who isn't trying to get on Americal Idol would read it. Agents can be as much the impedement as they are the access to the process. After all, what the hell is commercial fiction really?

I'm starting to get mad, my brain is clogging. You see, I've read some real shit published by big publishing houses, and some real stinkers by people with big names, but little old Brainclogger can't catch a break! Oh, if you're an agent, why not review my blog to see if I have the creativity necessary to send you a query letter. I know! Why not just come over my house and kick me in the face.