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March 22, 2010

Four "Horse-persons" of the Apocalypse Bankrupt the US.

In late-night action, Dems gathered around their grand-dame, paying her much needed praise for finally getting off her ass and doing something since taking over Congress in 2006. Mere moments before she had to run back to her stand in the "notoriously corrupt politicians" section next to Bill Clinton at Madame Tussuad's wax museum, dems praised her for strong-arming them, belittling them, making completely un-veiled threats, and basically shined her wrinkly ass until she was sated. All the while, she stood nearby with a fake smile plastered on her cosmetically frozen face while making sure to avoid eye contact with anyone in the room. Turning her head to scan the room, a dull clicking noise could be heard along with a gutteral droning noise like Mongolian throat music. Luckily, before the wax melted into a nightmare-inducing brain-burning memory for those unfortunate enough to be watching the liberal circle-jerk, right before the assembled humanity gouged-out their own eyes, she mercifully departed.

Shortly after midnight, word came that before the government spends any more money it didn't have, our creditors (the Chinese) called and said they want their money first. In true form, democrats asked how they could be out of money if they still had blank checks in the checkbook? Steny Hoyer was heard to utter "you know when you say I'd gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today? Well, you never pay" as he giggled like a schoolgirl. At that point, the room resembled a herd of deer caught in the headlights and a collective, drawn-out "oh" was audible above the creaking of bones. The IQ level of those in attendance dropped an average of 10 points. Can you say "my name's Forrest Gump?"

During the back-slap butt-kiss Olympics witnessed after passage of the bill, not a single idiot (er, congressman) mentioned they did what they did for their constituents. It was absurdly amazing. They spoke of the "good-ole boy network" without using those words, fluffed each other publicly (well, except for Nancy. She's in her seventies and that's just gross, although she's probably better hung than the guys), and spoke of how "hard" other dems worked. All the while, they disregarded, or completely forgot they are elected representatives...apparently for a bunch of unfortunate peasants that didn't realizeb they were appointing royalty until Nancy said "let them eat cake."

Fornicate Gordon Gekko, greed is not good and this thing is going to hurt. I can only imagine what the stock market will do this week. The democratic plan looks like this:
- ignore job creation and extend unemployment benefits using money we don't have
- Let the Bush tax cuts expire in order to socialize our country, punish high earners, and redistribute wealth from the earners to the inherently lazy
- Take control of the banks
- Take control of the insurance companies
- Take control of the automakers
- Ignore the trade deficit because we're already bent over for the Chinese. Think of ways to take more money from Americans.
-Have liberal minions say "only a very small percentage of Americans will see a rise in insurance premiums," using the figure "1 in 5." Well, I know liberals hope we can't do our "cypherin," but 1 in 5 is 20%! Yep, a very small percentage indeed.
- Spend a trillion dollars on a stimulus plan that only stimulates the federal government. Why am i thinking of "fluffer-nutter?"
-Spend another trillion on health care. Write another check against an overdrawn account.

Yep, great plan. Should I burn down my house and move out of the country before the invading Chinese, the foreclosing feds, the IRS, the Orwellian thought police, ACORN, gun-control nuts or PETA come for me?

I know...if they do come for me, I can always call and get health insurance on the way to the hospital! After all, the axe in my forehead is a pre-existing condition and they don't matter any more! Oh, and using liberal logic, any injury after a car accident is pre-existing too so I guess I can cancel my car insurance now. Screw you Warren Buffet, save money on car insurance the old fashioned way...cancel it.

No more government cheese for anybody...

March 21, 2010

Hi. I'm Obama, your Cruise Director

I want to be President. All I have to do is convince people I should be President. That's it. I don't have to be able to do it, just entitled. If I can guilt people into voting for me, all the better. Imagine the guilt I can bring when re-election time comes.

Once elected, I stay on the campaign trail. Hey, it works for Obama, the "Campaigner in Chief." Either he can't find his office, is too scared to step into the big tent and piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs, or he just knows his gift of gab is his ticket to the "magic carpet ride" known as his presidency. To anyone who has ever seen the HBO series Band of Brothers, Mr. Obama is the Lieutenant Dyke of presidents.

I think Obama would make a good cruise director on a cruise ship. Hey, he gets paid to travel, talk-to and usher people around (read: community organizer), and seeing him in odd places like morning on the excursion boat or introducing La Cage aux Folles at midnight doesn't seem weird. There's no personal attribution given in any of his spoken words and to the majority of sunburned, straw-hat-wearing, got my socks on with my sandals clueless Americans who naturally gravitate to the cruise director to find out what they should do next, he has a purpose. At the end of the day, he gets to usher you back aboard even if you're not ready to go, charges you an unexpected re-entry "tax" to get back on the boat (nothing more than asset redistribution kickbacks called "tips" for the crew), and gets to blame the whole thing on the needs and policies of "the ship." When absolutely necessary, he's around. Most other times, he's a ghost. He has no real responsibility for the operation of the ship or the success of the cruise line in general and doesn't want any, but has a title that creates the appearance of responsibility, authority, experience, and it ever-so the paper tiger.

Wait! Without the part about having a purpose, the last paragraph actually sounds like Obama's current job. The most traveled President in history; no big surprise. Refer back to paragraph 2.

Hi! Welcome to the Fantasy of the Seas. I'm Barry, your Cruise Director.

World declares Americans totally clueless!

On a day-to-day basis, I put up with a host of stupid shit. From political correctness, the demise of dignity and honesty, the furtherance of the welfare state, silly drivers, testosterone-laden asswipes, devious politicians and lawyers, no corn in the commissary, no place to get a decent sandwich in this one-horse town (I'm not in Naples), no broccoli rabe in the Kroger, nothing good on TV and on and on, not to mention separation from my wife and kids because of work. Well, I mentioned it after all.

All this fades in comparison (for the next two minutes) to our country's mamby-pamby, touchy-feely insistence on lying to each other, mollycoddling each other, convincing each other that Americans have some sort of entitlement and guarding people from what they really need most...a wake-up call!!! Now people are upset that if they go into the Obama real-estate welfare bail-out program, their credit scores drop so it hurts them in trying to get loans, credit cards, etc.

What the F--K? Are you serious? Do you realize what you're saying?

REALITY CHECK: You're saying now that you're getting bailed-out by the government because you can't pay your home loan, you're mad because you can't...get another loan? Really? What the news is saying is it's bad that people who can't afford their houses can't sign up for more loans they can't afford to stack on top of the home loan they can't afford. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!! What friggin planet are you people on?

Oh, I forgot the mantra of the PC America..."we have a right to this" and "we have a right to that." Blah blah blah. I say exercise your right to remain silent, you freakin morons. Your right to force the government to skim money from the people who actually pay their bills and give to the dipshits that don't infringes on my rights and pushes a far too intrusive government even further into my life.

All this smacks of ignorance and greed. Ignorance as to how to manage your money, ignorance in not understanding the type of financial product you're buying, and ignorance in becoming far too leveraged (definition for the ignorant is you bought too much shit on credit, don't own your house or car, spend too much, and don't have any money in the mattress in case something bad happens. Everything that comes in goes back out). Greed comes in because Americans feel they're entitled to have everything they want no matter if they can afford it. They buy six-bedroom houses when they don't even have any kids, finance more than one vehicle per family, have an average of SIX credit cards (definition for the ignorant is you bought more shit than you can pay for because you're greedy). An average of six cards; think about that. Our education system must be producing masses of mindless drones that know absolutely dick about how to manage their money but fall easy prey to marketing...convinced they need every damned thing someone says they do.

I should really be able to beeyatch-slap people back into reality. It pisses me off that some of us have to carry the weight for ourselves and those that can't carry their own. Is it fair that people should be forced by the government to do that?
I say if you have a house you can't afford, a boat in the driveway on a loan you don't need next to the motorcycle you have on a loan sitting next to the jet-ski, two cars on loans (one with $2500 rims), six credit cards near their max limit, 57" flat-screen TV's and a garage filled to capacity with stuff you don't use, no money for a rainy day, no solid college fund for your kids and you're talking about how bad you need to put in a pool, all the while your gluttonous ass has gotten so fat a family of pygmies could live inside your butt-cheeks, I should be able to slap the piss out of you.

...but wait. I're entitled to be a jackass. Just don't crap on old Brainclogger.