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March 24, 2006

That's NORTH Jersey, Thank You

So New York and California have the worst air pollution eh? That's no friggin shock. Washington DC and Jersey, well there's no earth-shattering news there either...

But Oregon? What's going on in Oregon? I thought the place was full of tree-huggers and the lumberjacks that love to cut them down? By "them" I mean the trees or the tree-huggers it really makes no difference.

One thing people should know, however, is the pollution that gives the Garden State its bad rap comes from two places. 1. From the area around New York City in North Jersey, such as Newark, Hoboken, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Bayonne, etc., and 2. from the area right near the Deleware Memorial Bridge that connects Southwestern Jersey to Delaware.

South Jersey is (believe it or not) predominantly state forest, farmland, and seashore barrier islands. To be on the beach here is to see the cleanest air anywhere. Actually, you can't see the air, which proves it's clean!

Like Springsteen said, " cause down the shore everything' s all right."

Keep that Jersey slander to yourself...

The best place to pick up easy, irresponsible chicks!

An abortion rally during the middle of the week has to be the easiest place to pick up a sleazy broad! After all, they skipped-out on work to go rally for the right to have doctors rip out a fetus if their irresponsible sexual activities end up getting them pregnant.

What other conclusion is there? I mean another that makes sense...not the "women want the right to blah blah blah stupidity about planning their lives, etc. Do they want the truth? Here it is: If you think you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to have a kid. Maybe these sluts should keep their pants on...

March 23, 2006

Alternate Universe Discovered Off Coast of Aruba!

While in the process of photographing every inch of the earth looking for Osama bin Laden, Jimmy Hoffa, the lost Nixon tapes and Amelia Earheart's car keys, NASA engineers recently discovered an alternate universe which they say actually surrounds the island of Aruba.

Apparently, upon entering this alternate universe, all 17-year old sexually active teenagers become virgins and are instantly transported forward four years, thus making them of legal drinking age.

Scientists examining this phenomenon also noted what they call a "leaking effect," where the parents of these teenagers are magically led to believe this universe and its effects are real, instead of the reality they let their 17 year-old daughters free, or actually sent them to drink, gamble, have sex, and ultimately get killed.

March 22, 2006

One more thing about the fountain...

Here's what I think it would be a fitting tribute to Diana:

A big statue of her in a bikini standing next to Dodi Fayed as Dodi urinates on a smaller statue of Prince Charles, who is riding Camilla.

Maybe a statue of her as the little Coppertone kid with her butt showing...and Charles kissing it...again, as Dodi Fayed pees on him.

What about Diana in body armor pushing Charles onto a land-mine that sends him flying over a model of Buckingham Palace where the government has come and is reposessing all his stuff!

Hey! He may be a prince, but he's no day at the beach...if you know what I mean.

Maybe it can be one where Diana bitch-slaps the Queen, who turns and slaps Charles, who turns to slap Camilla but gets one from her instead. Then Charles turns to his son William, who slaps him, and then to Harry, who slaps him also, then to Winston Churchill and Tony Blair, each who give the prince his just comeuppance. Charles then turns back to the queen, whom he slaps. The Queen then turns back to Diana and gets a palm-pasting from her, starting the whole thing again. All the while, a likeness of Richard Branson slaps Camilla at will. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but I like Richard Branson and Camilla needs additional pasting so I figured what the hell. There's another version where everybody gets kicked in the crotch, but you get the picture.

Meanwhile, a nearby statue of Pierce Brosnan gets a slapping from Colin Farrell due to Brosnan's being such a little bitch about the latest James Bond movie and Colin...well, he just seems to be everywhere.

Next to that is one of Hugh Grant getting kicked in the "James" by Elizabeth Hurley with a gusto that would bring a tear to Rochambeau's eye, while a recording shouts "what are you, stupid?" in her voice every time her knee finds its target.

Next to that one is the fantasy statue of the members of Coldplay getting their butts kicked by the all-girl members of L7 and Team Dresch!

Next to that is a statue of a football (soccer to us Yanks), an actual frisbee, and a little girl selling Jello. Why? Because the Brits love their football, there's never a bad time for frisbee and there's always room for Jello...

England has obviously gone insane!

A "problem-plagued" memorial fountain that costs $3.5 million more than it should? I know people really loved Princess Diana, but are you all freaking nuts or what?

$9 million dollars for a memorial fountain for a dead princess, and 520K on the opening ceremony! Wow! She was apparently important enough for old Queenie to drop that kind of dough, but not so important as to be treated well while she was alive! Her husband is obviously inbred and deranged. Proof? Well, no one really needs anything more than whom he chose over Diana! Eek! The memorial is all part of the collective guilt of the "Royals" and their attempt to look magnanimous instead of disingenuous. Not!

The odd thing is how people reacted. Some say the memorial is fitting, while others say it isn't quite enough! I think they all need their heads examined. Charles should count his lucky stars too. Just look at his two sons...handsome, intelligent, with great potential. He obviously saw Diana as nothing more than breeding stock, and it's a good thing he didn't see Camilla that way! Can you imagine that? How gooney-looking would those unfortunates be? Long faces, squinty-eyes, teeth so crooked they could eat corn-on-the-cob through a chain-link fence, with personalities so dry they would make even British comedy look like slap-stick. I can picture a kid with a face like Alfred E. Neuman playing bridge and drinking tea (at 11 years-old) and using expressions like "how droll" and "by-the-bye." He would need at least three bodyguards so he wouldn't get his ass kicked at least once a day!

Do you think Diana would have preferred the 9 million go to land-mine removal or saving little kids in Africa, or to some huge stone testament to the worthlessness and obsolescence of the royal system in England? The fact that the same people who ignored and mistreated her while she was alive still have their priorities all screwed-up isn't lost on me. No wonder they didn't like her...she was the only sane one of the bunch.