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Showing posts with label agents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agents. Show all posts

February 15, 2010

Hollywood, Dollywood, or Bollywood?

Three "woods." and only one really gives me any.

Hollywood is full of fakes, frauds, wanna-be's, bloviating liberal jackasses, drug addicts, broken hearts, broken dreams, the "beautiful" people (remember, beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone), distorted reality, misplaced priority, the phony famous and the pretend royalty. Ouch...harsh, but true. Look at what they consider entertainment. We've gone so far down into the moral sewer we watch shows about "celebrity" drug addicts at their worst, wealthy "housewives" famous for bad behavior, the new form of the dating game that comes with cash and a little nudity (bachelor/bachelorette), mental midgets with far too many offspring behaving badly, the search for yet another unnecessary "idol" (what is it they say about false idols?), hairdresser competitions, the search for another anorexic uneducated female mannequin and other such television that just sucks the brain out of your head.

Maybe it's because people pay Hollywood types so much unnecessary attention. Yes, Megan Fox is a real nice piece of ass, albeit a child, but from what I hear, she's also a snotty, immature, conceited pain in the ass. Johnny Depp wears a Che Guevara pendant. Does he understand Che was a jailer responsible for the murder of nearly 15,000 people and wildly racist? Does he know Che said every man, woman, and child in America should be exterminated and blacks live a frivolous life of drunkenness? Nice hero Johnny picked. Dipshit. Sexy and stupid...I thought Hollywood only liked women that way? That comment should piss someone off.

Don't worry, Hollywood won't change. The people that like the status quo are in charge. No wonder Brainclogger can't get his little mystery novel represented by anyone with balls enough to take on someone new...but I digress.

Dollywood is full of fakes, frauds, wanna-be's, etc., etc., but at least you can get a beer there and they have rides that can't give you herpes like in Hollywood. (get it?) Truth be told, whatever they're injecting into Dolly's hide to preserve her, send me a case or two! She's still cute. Of course, no one believes those breasts wouldn't reach for the floor unless augmented to do otherwise. You can't really call them fake though, since they're covered in real skin. Also, Dollywood can probably get away with using the term "Hoe-Down" since they're in the country, something you could never do in Hollywood. The meaning is entirely different.

Then comes Bollywood. Wow. I look at the pictures of the actresses and have to just sit and stare. Smoking hot. They look conspicuously natural. I don't see "over-the-top breast implants, tramp-stamp tattoos or Asian writing that probably says "hey, I'm a whore" instead of something spiritual like the girls think they do. Hopefully tattoo artists have a sense of humor. I don't see wild hair colors or women so obsessed with their bodies they start to look like men. It's not trashy, tacky, or fake to the naked eye. All the men look regal, intelligent, and interesting. Maybe it's just the great hair, I don't know.

Hollywood can learn a lot from Bollywood, and hopefully the latter doesn't aspire to become the former. Please don't.

February 8, 2010

Want a book about...

...the fight between good and evil? Want to go along on an adventure with a team of soldiers that takes them to Panama, Cuba, Jamaica, Florida? Like to get to know two guys from Philadelphia, one an orphan and renowned ass-kicker, and his best friend from a good Italian family? Would you like some evil, corrupt types and some death and destruction? How about a real story of friendship? What about some quirky personality traits like using the names of songs in their regular speech, quoting works of literature and historic people, using every spare moment to go fishing and surfing, or in search of a great cup of coffee? Want to laugh and cry reading the same book and come away feeling the main characters are good guys with unique personalities and you can't wait to read the next in the series? Want this all in the same book?

You'll have to wait. Looks like I have to publish it myself.

Agents make me mad!!!

I'm not talking about doing things I feel ashamed about, or find pleasurable in guilty, behind closed-door ways. They make me mad because they force me to do something I despise, deplore, loathe, and out-and-out detest...they force me to try and sell, and both inevitably and think like a salesman. It's called a "query letter," and I'd like to kill the next guy that offers me advice on how to write one.

In layman's terms, it sucks. I wrote a book recently. Probably not a great book. Hopefully, a marginally good yet entertaining work that someone, somewhere, someday might read on an airplane or spill beer on while sitting on the beach, or if you're like my dad, use for a coaster along with any other thing I may bring into the house, be it however important only to me...but I digress.

I want to write the next book, not put on my white shoes and play Death of a Salesman! I think it's safe to say, be it ever so bold, that agents now find themselves in the cottage industry of selling the "secrets to getting published," and have turned the publishing industry into a "make it big or not at all," bureaucratic freak show. Why not say "if you're not David Baldacci, then go away" on your agent information and be done with it?

I could be the next "somebody or other," and could have a series of books ready to go that can keep an agent making money for years, but without huckstering properly, no one will ever know. This book might make a great movie, but without spending the time learning how to sell it to someone whom obviously doesn't care and won't take the time to look past the first five pages, I'm just a guy with a year's worth of nights I could have spent doing something else!

I'm starting to wonder when the first person will use the term "how droll," or tell me I'm sophomoric, pedantic, or some other high-brow phrase rather than say "it's not for me" like the hundred+ agents have so far? Thanks for the form letter, automated response, don't call us-we'll call you crap sent by your starry-eyed little coed assistant. See the potential in someone based on an 88-word blurb. Yep, that makes sense. Next time you buy a car, don't even get in before you buy it. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to give someone money and they're telling me to pack it up my ass. No, it's not "chick-lit." No, it isn't a book about how great it is to be gay, or some young-adult teen beat bullcrap. Funny how agents choose books based on the needs of their portfolio and the current market trend as opposed to entertainment value, if the author has anything else planned, and if someone who isn't trying to get on Americal Idol would read it. Agents can be as much the impedement as they are the access to the process. After all, what the hell is commercial fiction really?

I'm starting to get mad, my brain is clogging. You see, I've read some real shit published by big publishing houses, and some real stinkers by people with big names, but little old Brainclogger can't catch a break! Oh, if you're an agent, why not review my blog to see if I have the creativity necessary to send you a query letter. I know! Why not just come over my house and kick me in the face.