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February 27, 2010

Bill Clinton surprised to find he shares Antichrist role...with his wife!

Mere days before Bill was to visit Haiti ...boom!!! ...Earthquake!

Fast-forward to today, mere days before Hillary is to be in Chile ...Boom!!! ...Earthquake!

What gives? Is the earth itself trying to tell us something? Is Slick Willy's heart condition forcing him to slide toward Gomorrah faster than he thought and his demon status is transferring to his main-squeeze? Hmmm....

Mr. Clinton seems to be a bit of a sad guy. I say what with "little Bill" getting little use since he left the White House, the effects from all his medications, a home life I can imagine makes eating glass preferable, and the cumulative effects of all of that thrown atop the skewed world view, despicable philosophy and characteristic self-loathing of all liberals, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt...maybe cut him some slack.

I look at Bill and suddenly hear the Soggy Bottom Boys singing "I'm a Man of Constant Sorrow." Ironically, if you go to You-Tube, the song is lip-synched by that leftist knucklehead George Clooney.

After two earthquakes, two political careers, and judging by recent photos two cases of constipation, I say now we have solid proof Bill is Hillary and Hillary is Bill..."Billary," it seems.

I bet when Al Gore comes over the house they greet him wearing robes and Carnival masks and holding paddles. I bet all the furniture is screwed to the floor and the housekeepers slip them sedatives in order to reduce the chances of an earthquake on Long Island.

Nostradamus said there would be three Antichrists and we've only seen two. He never said it had to be a dude. He said a "man" will rise to power by sheer force of personality alone and...wait...hold it...we have to look into Obama a bit more.

Nevertheless, you can't help but wonder about two scheduled visits, and two earthquakes. For the love of Pete! Please don't go to Jersey! No visits to Panama either...that's definitely out of the question. Ever since Carter, they don't like liberals anyway...

Dont buy anything from this spamming jackass!

Every day, they spam my blog, and do it to old entries in order to keep on doing it.

Don't buy anything from them.

By the way Dr. Pecker Checker, I don't need any of that crap you're peddling.

February 26, 2010

Bye Bye Boner

Dude, you shouldn't have done it. Ending your life doesn't fix the problem, it just transfers the hurt to your family and friends. It's s selfish act and something you shouldn't have done.

For anyone else thinking suicide is the answer, it sounds trifling, but remember what the reggae singer Shaggy said; "no matter how you're sad and blue, there's always someone that has it worse than you."

Why child actors think they're life is over if they aren't actors as adults is beyond me. Nothing lasts forever.

You know, I could really go crazy with the puns and sarcasm right now, but I won't. Andrew Koenig killed himself and that's just sad. I'll tear someone else up later.

Obamacare Ponzi Scheme makes Madoff Blush. How to really do it.

The "health care summit" looked to me like a bunch of frogs trying to fornicate a football. Down the rabbit hole they're in, no one has the presence of mind to realize what they're trying to do.

Democrats talk of "premium discrimination" and elimination of pre-existing conditions. Non-starter. If you treat a healthy, athletic 21 year-old kid the same as a 55 year old man with diabetes and three prior heart attacks, the system will be unsustainable.

By treating all people alike and disregarding pre-existing conditions, you eliminate the risk rating that lies at the heart of all insurance, and you tell people that for every dollar they put in, they're guaranteed to receive multiples of that dollar in benefits, thus the ponzi scheme.

Here's the fix:
-assign each person risk based on their health. This would require a preventive maintenance health checkup. At that time, you establish a preventative program. Hey, and ounce of prevention, right?
-place high-risk people in a high-risk pool in order to spread the risk among a mass group, thus lowering the premium for all in the group. The lower the risk, the lower the cost. THAT'S FAIR.
-Require the high-risk group to practice preventative measures like exercise, weight loss, etc. They give some effort toward the program that covers them. THAT'S FAIR.
-Reduce or eliminate the waste, fraud, and abuse in Medicare and Medicaid. Use the recovered money to pay for those unable to pay for their insurance. It's still taking money from Peter to pay for Paul, but much more palatable because of the trade off. Funny how we never expect the government to run a program free of waste, fraud, and abuse.
-establish a baseline medical benefit used as a COBRA for people on unemployment.
-require welfare recipients and those who simply refuse to work to perform some sort of labor for their medical benefit. Consider it community service.
-If a state establishes a better system, allow them to opt-out of the federal system.
-make insurance portability a law.
-eliminate medical conditions discovered at birth being considered pre-existing.
-establish a grace period for people to try and get into a lower risk group. For example, if someone is diabetic because of their weight, allow them time to drop weight. If they don't do it, then they go into the higher group. Put the responsibility on the citizen. THAT'S FAIR.
-Lay off union health care plans. If a union member pays for something, they should get it. If the unions can negotiate better plans than the government, don't penalize them. (Unbelievable I said that since I don't like unions)
-extend scholarships to more medical students and put them to work in the system after graduation. Same for nurses. The whole system will fail if they're aren't enough medical professionals.
-tort reform
-take the insurance company lobbyists out of DC and throw them in the Potomac.

The other option to these ideas is ask Bernie Madoff how to do it. You know what he'll say...

Canadian Hockey team has mass sex-change

First of all, do we really want women's ice hockey? I know I don't. I'm a firm believer that men's sports are for men, and women's sports are for women. Sorry, I'm a sloped-forehead, knuckle-dragging Philistine that believes chivalry isn't dead...but dying under the feminist agenda.

After that, do we really want them swilling beer and smoking cigars after beating the American team? Did they grab their crotches and spit like baseball players too? Did they pull out their false teeth and sneer at the cameras? Did anyone say "wow, this athletic supporter's really irritating me?" Were they farting and belching too? Did anyone sing "Oh Canada" in one continuous belch?

What of the girls under-age drinking on the ice? Boo I say, Boo. Who's idea was that?

The human drama of athletic competition...and women acting like men. The two are not compatible no matter how good the cigars were. Did they say to each other "take off" and "eh" repetitively in some sort of Strange Brew tribute?

Next thing you'll see is the female remake of Slap Shot. Wait! We already did. I say no to the Hanson sisters.

February 24, 2010

Never underestimate the power of "oops!"

Dude in his disturbing orange body suit and helmet skates in the wrong lane and loses Gold! He listened to the coach! What's a coach to do? Say "oops."

Told him to change lanes and shouldn't have? Oops!

Didn't count the laps and lane changes for your guy? You know, the one they compare to Michael Phelps in his sport and considered best in the world? Oops!

Didn't pay close-enough attention during the most important day in your racer's life, and probably yours? Oops!

Made your guy hysterical and absolutely inconsolable? Oops!

Made people wonder if you can count? Oops!

Probably going to have a negative encounter with his parents and your own Olympic committee? Oops!

I was channel-surfing at the time and magically caught the race. I don't even like speed skating, so what do I say? Oops.

Killer Whale ironic.

Yes, a trainer was killed by a Killer whale who killed her when she fell into the killer's jail-cell of a tank. It's a type of captivity that's the whale equivalent of being locked-up on Alcatraz...or the moon.

Was it one of the many Killer Whales so fond of swimming near Central Florida, or is it captive and it attacked one of its captors? Tormentors? Jailors?Here, we sentence you to live in this little tank instead of roaming the oceans and for your further insult, we'll make you perform for your captors like a trained, uh, well, whale.

What are we thinking? Why not train a shark? Train a badger! A hyena. How about a hive of Killer Bees? Was the word "killer" lost on you? Yes, Killer Whales are called Killer Whales for a reason. They're not cuddly-wuddly cutie-pie whales.

Trainers say they work tirelessly on their communication skills with the whales. What? Unless you're making high-pitched clicking and squeaking noises, making sounds pass through your skull and getting an answer, you're like a monkey scratching your ass in a tree! Why people think they can train WILD animals is beyond me. A tiger mauls Roy and everyone is shocked? Not me. I was the "told you so" guy. There's a reason why you don't mess with them.

Does anybody remember that Orca's are migratory and social species, traveling in groups called "pods?" What we've done is separate this marine mammal from his environment, isolated him from interaction with other whales, forced him to act abnormally by being alone and not roaming the ocean, prescribed what it eats and when, and we expect these beasts to be friendly, happy, circus-freaks. It's solitary confinement with forced labor!!! How would you like it? Here you are, Mr. Twelve-thousand-pound animal, have a couple little fish and show me a trick. Wrong answer. You can tell it doesn't get enough to eat because if it did, it wouldn't perform.

Until we "Free Willy," I say make all their trainers and the Sea World people live in solitary confinement and let them see how they like it. I say they don't have to "train" a whale to do what a whale does...they "train" it to do what humans want it to do. If it had a vote, I bet it would say it wants to be free. LET IT GO!

February 22, 2010

Whatever happened to "Celebrity Fight Club?"

Remember that show? An animated comedy program where celebrities meet each other in the ring?

With the rising popularity of mixed-martial arts, the Ultimate Fighting Championships and World Extreme Cage fighting, I think they need to bring it back, but make it real this time.

Wouldn't you love to see Eastwood put George Clooney in a choke hold? Vin Diesel ground-and-pound Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, or Ben Affleck? How about Ryan Reynolds lay the smackdown on Kal Penn? Come-on, you know you'd like to see that. How about Denis Leary in a match with Jon Bon Jovi?

I'd like to see the "battle of the Matthew's." McConaughey versus Damon versus Dillon versus Modine versus Broderick...all at once.

How about Brad Pitt putting the Moi-Tai death grip on Jack Black? Reaching back to yesteryear, Robert Downey Jr. versus Andrew McCarthy, Matthew Broderick versus Jon Cryer, and the ultimate in getting even, Emilio Estevez against his brother Charlie Sheen. It would be great!

How about Patrick Dempsey against Rob Lowe? C. Thomas Howell against anyone he chooses? Paybacks are a bitch! Judge Reinhold against Judd Nelson with Molly Ringwald as the girl holding the cards for each round!

What about battle of the pretty boys? Keanu versus Johnny Depp? Even better, has-been Richard Grieco against Depp in a grudge match! I'm not talking slap-stick Three Stooges-style action, but inside the octagon throwing down! Nick Nolte versus Gary Busey! Now there's a freak show! Mel Gibson versus Kevin Costner.

Wouldn't it be nice to see Vince Neil get some payback? Joe Perry finally slap-down Steven Tyler? You know he wants to. I got it! Sting versus Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland! Justin Timberlake against the rest of his old boy-band.

David Caruso against Jimmy Smits! Yep, revenge for NYPD Blue. Come on, let's get creative. Has-been Hasselhoff against has-been David Chokachi. Mark Wahlberg against his brother...hey, Band of Brothers doesn't make up for being a Backstreet Boy.

Bill Maher versus Glenn Beck?

Tell me who you'd like to see.

Get me a rolled-up newspaper!

Politicians aren't listening again. It seems Willy Wonka is their most cherished philosopher..."a little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men." Only problem is the nonsense is nonstop.

Little children get a mild-mannered, unnaturally high pitched "no no no." Older kids get a stern talking to, a spank on the butt, a time-out, stand in the corner, the rack, a taste of soap, or whatever appropriate measure. (I bet the rack startled you). Don't obey the speed limit, get a ticket. Run a toll booth, get a ticket. Don't pay your bills...say goodbye to your credit, pay more in fees, have the house taken away, or go to jail. Hear "yes" when a woman says "no," and it's straight to the pokey with you. If you have a dog that keeps peeing on the floor, a rolled-up newspaper gets their attention. If you're an uppity horse you get the "switch," a device that clamps down on their lower lip and low-and-behold, instant compliance.

Soldiers get sent on rucksack marches, sailors stand extra watches, Marines sweat it out on the "quarterdeck," and zoomies in the Air Force have their golf game cut to only nine holes. It's about consequences and paying a penalty for not listening.

Politicians on the other hand, publicly brag about receiving bribes (Mary Landreu), getting special favors and payola (Nelson), have their PAC's and rich families pay their way into office (Pelosi, Kerry, Patrick Kennedy), put communists and former terrorists on their staff and swear up and down they'll cut-out every earmark and pork project while doing the exact opposite (Obama), give away American property, endanger our sovereignty, leave entire nations in ruins and yet still receive praise (Carter), receive sexual favors and start a new line of "special" cigars and remain in office (Clinton), trade her dignity for a political position (another Clinton), bitch about the environment while being the biggest polluter and energy user in the known universe (Gore), and now, they concentrate on what they consider necessary for political advantage in DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO THE NEEDS AND DESIRES OF THE PEOPLE. Like Thomas Jefferson said, "democracy is sometimes where 51% of the people deny the rights of the other 49."

A poll came out recently asking if those that currently govern have the consent of those governed, and the results were horrible. It's clear that partisan cronyism is more important than the needs of the people. What was it Mr. Spock said? "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one?" Politicians should watch more Star Trek and less American Idol.

Can I borrow Teddy Roosevelt's "big stick" for a moment? Hand me the switch...these bastards just aren't hearing me. It seems the beltway is like a force field shielding politicians from seeing what's going on beyond it's boundary. It's no use for them to go home either since they return to their "compounds" and other such isolated places.

Hand me that jug of Gatorade! Like a reversal of what happens at the end of a game, we'll throw the icy beverage over the losers in government! If any of them ever came to my house, they'll get the garden hose. I'd use a rolled-up newspaper, but seeing how most of the papers are liberal rags, the politicians would probably enjoy it. Maybe I'll use the Onion.

How about a rolled-up copy of the Constitution?

February 21, 2010

Danica bites the hoo, no film at eleven

So Jay, you say everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens in the Danica Patrick experiment? I have news for you buddy...I absolutely don't give a shit. In fact, if there was something greater than not giving a shit, it would be that.

Political correctness runs amok in NASCAR! Looky looky, there's a female racer so let's give her all the attention and every bit of slack, albeit it however deserved...or not. I say let her stand on her own two feet, stop mollycoddling her, and if she decides one day that being a short-term NASCAR tourist isn't so vogue and she wants to take it seriously, then give her some attention.

Hey wow! More NASCAR metaphors for being a leftist, just like my last entry! They prop-up someone who doesn't have the chops to make it on their own, adorn them with phony praise and unnecessary worship, speak of how this is the "new face" of NASCAR, and when the driver disappoints, make excuses for her, give her a pass out the door, and claim she was only a part-timer at it. In the end, it's a nice "experiment," and all the personality cult around her will say how gallant and noble she is, how she tried so hard, and how she was at some sort of disadvantage from the start. Like Jack Sparrow said, "utterly ridiculous twoddle-speak says I."

All I see is a woman not winning over men and throwing a hissy-fit. It's not a show of sportsmanship, but rather a display of temper and ego worthy of NASCAR. Ran off to the trailer did you? I know, like in other man-versus-woman endeavors, let's give the men a handicap. Better yet, let's have an all-woman NASCAR league! We can't have men's only basketball, mixed martial arts, lumberjack sports, surfing, fishing, golf, colleges, military schools, clubs, boxing, soccer, or anything else for that matter, so what say you? Hey, after all, nothing I like better than seeing tattooed, sneering women in the ring smashing each other in the face, choking the life out of each other, pulling off their shirts after scoring a goal, and out-and-out being ignored on the basketball court. Not. Was I inspired by the fact Muhammad Ali's daughter took-up the family business? Not at all.

Well, sometimes I watch the WNBA (ironically the acronym isn't in my spellchecker)out of morbid curiosity with maybe I'll be watching the trumped-up, artificially hyped show when it breathes its last breath. It's also heartening to see women dressed like men playing a sport for men only turned into a women's sport out of political correctness. Do you think they wear jock straps? Interesting when you see tattoos of women...on women. Are you thinking I'm Mr. "wipe the chicken-wing sauce from my face and smack the Hooter-girl's butt while I watch the WWE Divas on TV?" Nope, I'm definitely not that guy. In fact, I'm pro-female, much more so than lesbian leftist pseudo-feminists like Rosie or Janine. I believe women have rights that feminists actually deny.

Tell you what...if Danica ever comes on the metro train when I'm there or is behind me walking up to a door, she better not pull a hissy fit if I offer her my seat or open the door for her. I do that for women, so don't hurt me. It's a gentlemanly thing to do...I'm not threatening you.

The curse of counter-clockwise

I think NASCAR is a giant metaphor for leftist liberals in government. Go fast, turn left, don't see anything other than what's happening around you, consider yourself the center of attention, make people come to you, follow all your other leftist buddies, make it an exclusive club only people like you can get into, chase the racer in front of you even if he is running near dead-last; keep turning left and never, ever even consider going right, set-up your car and the entire venue around the track to focus on the left; then make token appearances to the bourgeoisie rabble riff-raff so they can praise you and you can feel you're giving it however self serving. In the end, orchestrate the nepotism necessary to put one of your relatives in your car thus establishing the "dynasty."

It's a system, with each element centered around the art of going left, just like other track-related activities like the pit, the metaphor for being out of office. Once there, you turn left and wait until you get another chance to go back out and turn left again. To be truly fair, I think NASCAR races should do one half of the race turning left, and the other turning right. Shake up the system, see a different perspective, and eliminate the leftist juggernaut by evening-out the playing field. Hey, if you're the best going left, let's see if you're the best going right.

One aspect of NASCAR should bother liberals...the idea that the fastest qualifier gets to be in front. Libs can't handle that, instead favoring the time-dishonored tradition of the leader being the crafty old lefty that filled a seat the longest or supports the leftist cause most vehemently. Winning the pole position is probably the singular conservative idea in the leftist world of racing. The cars are required to be the same (bordering on communism), the winner is required to perform some act like drink milk in the winner's circle (the area where the winner is required to report in order to receive praise by other lefties, just like Hollywood leftists at the Oscars), and the "governing body" proclaims and enforces the self-serving rules as they see fit.

One issue that on the surface should bother liberals is really supported by them, and that is the idea of corporate sponsorship. While on the surface they preach everything is even-Steven and all would be status quo if each car was painted flat black with no decals or sponsor names, behind the scenes their secret and sometimes dirty-dealings with those having a keen interest in racing (read PAC) is what really drives the train and decides what is in the best interest of the "sport." This lining of the pockets is unfortunately what the whole show is really about...cold-hard-cash, control, and furthering the leftist cause. Part of the money is even spent on convincing people coming to see the show that the whole thing is really about them. Here, wear this shirt, put this sticker on your own car (thus putting your position on the vehicle you paid for), and cheer for me (sounds like an election to me).

Yes, the curse of counter-clockwise is alive and well. Culturally, try to shake some one's hand with the left and you're bound to hear "wrong-hand." Some cultures call the left the "dirty hand," avoiding it entirely. Hey, ironic that our current president is left-handed!

Turn right, folks...turn right.

Skeleton girl has a magic helmet!

I don't think they were looking at the right thing. Her helmet gave her an advantage? Hey, we protest her helmet! Please.

What I saw was a woman in a skin tight outfit, laying face down and buns-up on a sled with her arms at her side making it look like her butt was sticking-up even higher. I didn't look at the helmet. Brainclogger being the red-blooded heterosexual he is was looking at her ass. To think she has a British accent and might go have a stout and some bangers and mash after the race makes it all that much better.

Actually, I'll stick with Mrs. Brainclogger, but come on, her helmet made all the difference? Maybe it was her day? Maybe she threw caution to the wind and hung it all out there kamikaze-style? Maybe the others were a bit slower than usual? Maybe the track was fastest when she slid and her order in the race made a difference? Maybe her sled rails were better prepared? Maybe her butt had something to do with lowering her wind resistance? Who knows.


Robin Williams is an Ass!

I just watched his comedy special on HBO and three things struck me:

1. It wasn't funny
2. His comedy is a droning diatribe of dick jokes, drug jokes, attacks on conservatives, potty humor, and vulgar language.
3. He's a flaming liberal that needs an ass-kicking

To bash the former president is tired enough, but to say he stopped doing coke because he realized his mother was on the one dollar bill is not only completely inappropriate, but indicative of how far this worn-out hack has to go for a laugh. I have news for you there, Mork, no one laughed at that, and unless you grew-up on some other planet, people's mothers are off limits.

When will the Hollywood liberals lay off Mr. Bush? When will they realize that their selective memories leave out one very important happening during the Bush presidency that shaped the rest of it...9-11. If 9-11 didn't happen, I'm sure his presidency would have been far different.

What the liberals fail to remember is the terrorists didn't get the chance to do it again in the US because of President Bush. They have him to thank for their very ability to bash him. It's like saying you don't like cops until you need one, then criticizing how they do their job afterward. He kept all of them safe; they selectively forget that fact.

Liberals also like to blame President Bush for what happened in New Orleans after Katrina. Again, their selective memories fail to acknowledge the storm was over, people were safe in a city built under water, and then the levees broke.

Now the liberals stand by and let their lackluster lackey in the White House blame his predecessor for everything. Weak, weak, weak. When you take charge of an organization, it becomes yours, and what you do on your watch isn't judged by what the one before you did, but what you did. Of course, liberals seem all too ready to give their guy a free pass to be nothing more than the campaigner-in-chief.

So, what have we learned? Robin Williams isn't funny, liberals have selective memory, and people's mothers are off limits.