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November 3, 2005

November 1, 2005

Men Kick Down Home's Door In Random Attack

Ten bucks says these guys were illegals. Yep, that immigration policy is really working, isn't it?

I also wonder how they knew a woman would be by herself in her house, she wouldn't have a gun, and she had a car they could get away in? It wasn't random.

The article also has odd use of the word "apparently," for example "She heard a loud noise and apparently someone kicked the front door in," Orlando police Sgt. Barbara Jones said."

Duh...

Brainclogger

Alleged 'Black Family Mafia' Group Arrested In Car Bust

My question is, who is the head of this family of not-so-smart gangsters? Maybe they would learn things like "don't use a car registered to you to transport cocaine," or maybe "people without jobs driving exotic cars attract attention to themselves." You know, little things like that. The vehicles were obviously smarter than the people driving them.

Leave the "mafia" type things to the Italians, okay? By the way...do you even know what a Kilo is?

I wonder why everything in this country is in standard measurements, except for drugs?

Brainclogger

Man Caught On Tape Sprinkling Fecal Matter On Pastries

Now this is the first whacky news item for today. The interesting part is the dude was arrested by the FBI, probably for suspected use of a "bacterial agent," but it turned out to be plain old poo. The disturbing part is, this guy was "copping a squat" right next to his own bed! Yuck!That makes about as much sense as the protestors in the Rodney King riots burning down their own houses! Did he sleep there too? What else is he sprinkling dried "dump" on? Is this the next form of extreme recycling? Did he get charged with improper disposal of hazardous waste? What else did he touch while he was in the store? Wash that apple!!! Was it the act of a lone, stool-slinging "gunman," or did this rectal ranger have an alementary accomplice? Get CSI in there ASAP!

Of course, at least this guy had a hobby, and this will teach parents to let their kids have a cookie in the store! Okay moms, make the cookies at home from now on.

Of course, someone will probably sue the store over this, and it will go out of business due to legal fees, and in the end, only the lawyers will benefit...

Brainclogger

October 31, 2005

Bush Picks Alito for Supreme Court

Senator Harry Reid, in another demonstration of delusion combined with absolutely enormous balls, said the following in response to the president's actions today:

"The Senate needs to find out if the man replacing Miers is too radical for the American people," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada.

Wow. What's more, he said it with a straight face. Lightening didn't strike, thunder didn't clap, and a swarm of locusts didn't descend on D.C. (The president would have had to take the blame for any of that if it happened) He didn't even appear to have his fingers crossed behind his back.

But I wonder if somewhere else in the building, the rest of the evil coven (Pelosi, Gephardt, Clinton, Schumer, Kennedy, Feinstein, Boxer, Kerry, Byrd, et al) were in their robes, chanting incatations and making an offering to Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Barbara Streisand, or whatever other liberal god they pray to?

Brainclogger

I thought it already ended?


PARIS - Famed French actor Gerard Depardieu' says in a newspaper interview that he's ending his film career and swears he wasn't drunk when he said it.

Maybe he should have been? Then slapped a woman, kicked a dog, stripped naked, climbed the Eiffel Tower, and then checked into rehab. That would revive his career like it does for American actors.

Cheer up Froggy, life's not so bad. Oh, I forgot you're French.

So what does it take to be "famed" in France, anyway?

Brainclogger

Comets Hit Early Americans, Scientist Says

I think it was aliens. Or maybe global warming...all sudden-like, and localized. Maybe flaming bovine flatulence, or even that whacky H.G. Wells and his time machine?

Of course, whatever the cause, President Bush will probably get the blame...or maybe the "white devil," even though were was no such thing as a "white person" 15000 years ago.

The president will probably take the wrap for that one too... I know! Blame it on FEMA!

Brainclogger

Don't Quit Karl!!!

I don't care if you're guilty or not. Really, I don't. If those hypocrites are going to suggest you resign when their poster child President Clinton cheated on his wife with a young tart in "our house," then lied about it on TV to the entire world, and they didn't suggest the same for that one...bugger them, don't do it! In fact, blame it on them like they do to you...

Maybe you can quibble and snivel like Clinton did, with the "it depends on what the definition of the word 'is' is" nonsense. He should get an ass-kicking just for pulling that faggoty stunt! Now the woman that put up with that kind of nonsense wants to be president? Whatever.

Who listens to Senator Reid anyway, the hateful democrat that he is? He never, ever has anything positive to say, and his entire belief system is based on "the complete opposite of whatever they believe in." That's no way to live.

At least Karl Rove shows some "sack" by demonstrating loyalty and devotion to someone, unlike these democrats and their "we believe in nothing," agenda. Do they get up in the morning looking forward to being unproductive, uncooperative, clueless, and uninspiring? A little less pampering would do them some good.

Don't quit Mr. Rove.

Brainclogger

One thing Rosa couldn't survive...

She lived for many years and survived countless things including Hurricane Katrina, but one thing she couldn't survive was the hypocritical political correctness of Washington D.C.

Brainclogger

Birds verses Windmills

Now this is typical tree-hugger bullshit. Either people want alternative forms of energy or they don't. These same people who want to protect the birds by shutting down the windmills, will probably drive over and protest the power plant that has to pick up the slack for the lost windmill power.

It's all that "we say we want it to be PC, but we don't really want it," double-talk bullshit that makes me want to kill someone. What comes first, people or birds? Why can't you scare the birds away? Are they too stupid to see a giant whirling propeller? What's next? After this, the powerplant is making the air the birds fly in dirty? The fields around the power turbines have too much goose poo and it's mean to the ducks? The birds of prey feel singled-out for being carnivores and protested by the vegetarian tree huggers? Will the birds get lawyers?

If we shoot some of the birds, will others commit suicide in protest? Maybe they'll fly away and not go into the spinning windmills? We chase birds away from airports, right? Maybe we can play some Celine Deion! That's it! Her music can repel anything!

I know! Replace the windmills with a nice little nuclear power plant! They're fun for the whole family! Put an oil refinery on the other part of the property, and buy the land next door, strip off all the trees, then make it an open-pit mine. When the environmentalists want the windmills back again, we can strap antlers on their heads and hunt them like deer.

Like I said, we either want clean energy, or we don't. I know, I shouldn't expect for a Californian to make up their mind... Ooh, burn...

Brainclogger

October 30, 2005

Seen American Beauty one too many times?

In the movie, there was the misunderstood kid, who was a bit whacky, a bit dark, but just wanted to be able to deal with his nutcase of a father. It was the father that turned out to be the killer after he decided to kiss the neighbor and was rebuked by him for not being gay. Oops!

This looks like another misunderstood kid. He played the guitar, so he had talent, and used a mask, which is fairly creative. He kills the girl across the street. Hmmm. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? He sat on the porch and saw her involved with other guys, in the form of them picking her up, or whatever? Carried a torch for her. How did he expect for people not to know it was him?

A paintball mask? Strange game. A sado-masochistic metaphor for armed lethal combat, armed mayhem without the requisite bloodshed, and you have beers with the enemy after. Well now, it didn't work out like that this time. Not surprising. The cape is a nice touch though. Now if he was naked except for the mask and cape, painted black with his ass painted red, wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom, a batman utility belt, and big fuzzy slippers, running around yelling "it puts the lotion in the basket," now that would be unique. And probably get him out of jail...

People shouldn't be surprised. Violence comes to the burbs. Just hope Micheal Moore doesn't get his fat ass involved.

Parents, hide the ammo.

Brainclogger

Okay, so that explains it...

Okay, so George Takei coming out of the "closet" finally explains this picture. You know, I can take this in a number of directions (as I'm sure George can), for instance:

caption: Robert Conrad going "beep, beep, beep."
caption: You don't look like a Black Sheep there Bobby.
caption: Do you like my "helmet."
caption: Damn, why does every episode have a prostate exam scene?
caption: Pilot to co-pilot, we're going down in flames!

But I don't want to do that. Mr. Takei is an extremely accomplished man, who has a resume' a mile long, including all the Star Treks, appearing in the Green Beret's (a cheesy movie, but you have to dig John Wayne), Miami Vice, Mulan; he's received awards for social causes from the emperor of Japan and a bunch of democrats, and has probably accomplished more in his life than I ever will...except by being a soldier, I guarantee his right to do what he wants, live where he lives, and say what he wants to say. Plus, I've always liked the Asian chicks... (I had to say that, sorry. Come on, you know you like them too!)

What's more, he's been with the same person for 18 years, which is twice the record I was able to make with my ex, showing even gays have better records than I do when it come to the fidelity and loyalty of their partners! Creepy, but true. Oh well.

The only thing I disagree with is, even though Mr. Takei shows lots of guts by putting his "coming out" on the front page of his website, I really don't want to hear about his, or anybody else's (gay or straight) sexual preference. Keep it to yourself. Here's a news flash...the rest of the people in the country aren't like people in Hollywood, or even in California for that matter. What may have seemed like a monumentous thing to you and something celebrated by people in Hollywood, the rest of America could really give a shit. Sorry, but that's the truth. If you're a normal person, my troopers and I will have a soda with you. If you're gay, so what, we don't need a big proclamation. If you choose to march or scream about it, I choose to dislike you, use terms like "fag, rump-ranger, colon cowboy, etc, and make you feel like you're deviant and discriminated against. Maybe it's my South Jersey upbringing, I don't know.

Just act normally and all will be well...

Brainclogger

In the words of Happy Gilmore

"All you need for golf are goofy clothes and a fat ass! My next door neighbor must be a great golfer...huge ass!"

The news says the golf craze is slowing down. Well, why should people go crazy and worry? Americans (who have unrealistic expectations in the first place) get stupid when something considered a "boom" starts to slow down. They somehow think the latest "boom" over golf is indicative of something. Here's your answer:

Their right, it is indicative of something, but it has nothing to do with golf. Here's the truth...sorry if it hurts you golfer-weirdo's out there: The only reason for golf courses is to build and sell the real estate around them. Period.

Americans, in their hunt for bling, have to be able to look down their noses at someone and say they live on a golf course. It's something Americans have to do, since an ego is one of our traits, and concentration on stuff that isn't important to anyone else but us, like material crap. Then they pull the oldest (nerd) trick in the book, which is take someone golfing, play down the course on their street, then try to act surprised as they exclaim to their guest "wow, I can see my house from the course!" Well of course you can, dipshit, it's 50 feet off the course and you've played that hole a hundred times... Now your guest thinks you're a real jerk too. Nice going.

It's not hard, the interest rates have started to go back up, and the amount of available housing around golf courses has decreased. It's a no-brainer. Besides, after the big attempt to attract John-Q Public to play golf, and seeing as many pairs of cut-off jeans and wife-beaters on the course, people get a bit tired of that kind of thing. The reason for the bandana hanging out of the back pocket is what again? Como? Come to find out, those high-top sneakers and all the Marlboro butts actually are bad for the course.

The hard reality of it is, unless you can afford the real estate, most of the golf courses around nowadays are private, so you're looking at forking-over some dough to play. The public courses are expensive too, and usually chewed-up by all the other golfers and neglected by the owners who put more money into the bar and restaurant than the course. People get tired of having the wife constantly tell them to bring the kids to the pitch-and-putt irons course (so she can go cheat on you for the afternoon), and once they get fairly good at the game, are tired of all the hackers and beer-golfers who screw-up the course and then make nine-holes take three hours.

Hey, it's a great game for senior citizens and corporate types, but if you're a guy who wants to hang with the kids, or do something where the scenery changes and you don't have to look at old women in plaid, try something else. Did you know fishing is the number-one sport in the country, twice as popular as NASCAR, pro sports, and yes, even golf. Why? Because it's not the game that's important, but the people you spend time with while you do them. Write that down.

Take up golf when you're knees finally give out, or you give really want to shine the boss's ass. Chances are he's got a big ass.

Never trust someone who doesn't fish.

Brainclogger