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March 30, 2006

So they "let her go?"

Sure they did. These ragheads let go of hostages like Mexicans let go of lawnmowers.

I can think of a few more believable scenarios...

She was so scared all the time all she did was cry and menstruate and dragging around a hostage that was always sniffling and leaving a blood trail was hurting their "clandestine" activities...

As an American girl she nagged them so badly they tried to let her go for weeks but she just wouldn't leave, and wouldn't shut the f--k up.

Like any relationship, the sex was good in the beginning, but then they just lost interest

She snuck out while the kidnappers were watching a soccer game

In an attempt to get away, the kidnappers snuck out while she was asleep

The kidnappers hate other Muslims so badly they dropped her on the Iraqi Islamic Party.

They fed her, so every time she got hungry she showed up. Eventually they stopped feeding her.

When they realized she knew the Koran better than they did, it pissed them off and they sent her packing.

One kidnapper eventually convinced the others that the "female infidel" was "cramping their style."

They captured her without a change of clothes and she used too much water washing the same pair of "granny panties" every day.

She just wouldn't stop naming all the goats and it made the kidnappers feel bad to eat them.

She's notoriously bad with names and all the kidnappers were tired of being called Mohammed.

While they were out planting IED's, she would call them constantly

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards."

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, but successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs Mary Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Support your favorite stereotype...and cliche's...

Look at this retard; Jack Abramoff, who should be Abramoffenstein, furthering the stereotype of the crooked Jew who's greedy, corrupt, integrity-free, and a chicken shit. He also did the cliche' "blame it on your partner and hang him out to dry" routine. Now the government, in the purely "going through the motions" world of making it look like they're investigating politicians, has turned him into a rat. Of course, the best cliche is his invoking all the God references after he's been had. He's a Dick. Now he gets to go from political influence peddler and generally slimy puke to "Inmate 12345." Fare-thee-well, Mr. Me-off. Don't forget the soap on a rope.

Artsy people, museums, and Yoga. Too easy. This is as cliche and stereotypical as Birkies, tree-huggers, and yogurt.

Ga. Congresswoman in Scuffle With Police. Wow! This one covers a few of them. A Black politician from Atlanta? What else is there? A black politician who doesn't act right? Hmm, where have I seen that before? A black woman who thinks she can put the smackdown on the coppers and either doesn't have to listen to them, or thinks she's so important they should know her. Whoa! Are you trying to hit all the stereotypes at once? Well, her last public appearance besides in congress was at the Martin Luther King Service...dressed in tiger stripes!

The inept government attorney. The Moussaoui prosecutors called the terrorist a "hanger-on," in terms of his involvement with 9-11, saying he was dreaming he had involvement, but was pretty much a terd. They didn't say strap-hanger, leech, wanna-be, or some other well-known term...they used "hanger-on." I'd like them to use hanger-on'er. They say he used lies in order to hide what was to happen on 9-11. Maybe next they'll call him a "big meanie." A dictionary and thesaurus are on the way to the Justice Department.

Iran Urged to Clear Up Nuclear Suspicions. Yep, here goes that fearless bunch of idiots in the U.N. again. The told Iran to clear-up questions about their nuclear programs in 30 days or else. Or else what? Or else they'll have another meeting and declare Iran a bunch of no-fun "doo-doo heads" and then huff and stomp away like the impotent, gut-less, worthless body of bureaucrats they are. In more stereotypical fashion, the Europeans say they want to get "tough," but don't actually want to do anything to Iran. It's like a French cop yelling "stop! Or I'll yell stop again!" Further, the Russians and Chinese are urging caution, which are the first steps to dissent among the paper-tiger security counsel, while the Russians say the most important thing that came out of the meetings was a unified counsel. Wow, the most dysfunctional organization in the world is united on something... Maybe the United Nations should stick to what they're good at...milking the U.S. for money while being corrupt; taking money from international programs for personal gain; nepotism, and all other forms of vice and graft.

Arab taxi drivers. In this case, Miami Arab taxi driver rapists...

The continuing saga of the stereotypical "it's all about me" American society...a society that has a service problem. "Broward to make military recruitment opt-out forms more accessible"

The stereotype of Lib vs Conservative, Dem vs Republican, and a newspaper poll showing a democrat beating a republican. With Catherine Harris, it's also the one about an inept rookie politician, and how one side makes the other look as dirty as possible, whether it's true or not.

This news article is about Jessica Simpson wanting to adopt kids, and that's not the stereotype. In the very end of the article it says she's doing a movie about a movie star who hits rock-bottom and joins the Marines. There it is; the stereotype that the military is the last resort and final place for the disenfranchised, destitute, and destroyed to go.

Actors with no brains try to prove they have one, and those with brains try to prove they're not corrupt. Rob Reiner is also your cliche' Hollywood democrat that has the money to be a liberal, and is too arrogant to possibly question if he should be.

Fascism in the Middle East. With the installation of the terror goup Hamas into power in Palestine, and with Mahmoud Abbas as the central figure, fascism reigns supreme...just as it does in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and all those other places where race, religion, and a strict adherance to a political philosophy determine the rules...

March 29, 2006

This position got her that way in the first place!

This photograph, released by sculptor Daniel Edwards on Tuesday, March 28, 2006,shows his sculpture of singer Britney Spears giving birth. The life-sized "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," seen at the artists studio in in Moosup, Conn., will be shown at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in the Williamsburg section of New York beginning April 7. (AP Photo/Daniel Edwards)

I wonder if it's anatomically correct??? If so, the artist definitely has issues...not like he doesn't already!

Next time you think you're having a bad hair day...

Music producer Phil Spector is shown in Superior Court Monday, May 23, 2005, in Los Angeles.

Hey Phil...the seventies are over pal...

Maybe it's some kind of animal living on his head?
Hair Club- he's not just a member, but also the plaintiff...

I didn't know cotton candy came in that color.

Hedgehog hair by Ronco...

He finally figured out what to do with all that dryer lint...

Christian convert sightings continue...

In reports following yesterdays escape from hell, numerous sighting of the Afghan man who converted to Christianity have been recorded. So far, he's been seen:

Taking his picture with Mickey at EuroDisney. Or is it Le Mickey?

Earlier in France police responded to a group of men apparently assaulting someone. Fearing the man was the Afghan escapee, police rushed to the scene only to discover the men kicking the Le Crap out of a Mime. Apparently French people hate Mimes too...

Some time later he was spotted flying a cargo airplane full of the fabled "rubber dog shit" out of Hong Kong. This was proven impossible as in recent years China has become the world leader in the rubber dog shit business and is now the sole manufacturer of imitation animal excrement and simulated bodily fluids industry. Everyone knows the yucks just keep coming when you play with plastic vomit and the fake spilled-can of soda! People just can't get enough!

He was also seen sneaking into that eminently more progressive country...Pakistan. Word had it after that, he was thinking of really "going nuts" and trying either Saudi Arabia or Iran! Somebody stop him! Talk about a party animal! He said he had dreams that had to do with seeing a woman's ankle and they made him feel dirty.

He was sighted in the United Arab Emirates having lunch with a strange looking American in a traditional woman's Durka. He said that also made him feel dirty...

Sighted in China being the taskmaster in a sweatshop employing 10 year-old girls making garter belts for American women. Word has it Michael Jackson told him about the position.

Spotted on South Beach where he saw suntan-oil-slathered Latin women in skimpy bikini's, some topless playing paddleball...and promptly exploded.

Thrown out of a casino in Atlantic City because his attempts at yelling "come on seven" in Arabic at the craps table sounded like he was getting ready to spit on somebody.

Seen enrolling at Yale.

Arrested with a group of soccer hooligans following Manchester United's defeat to Uventis.

Seen at Mount Rushmore on the job as the guy that dangles from a rope to clean Lincoln's nose.

Employed at over 100 Seven-Eleven, Circle-K, and Piggy-Wiggly convenience stores nationwide.

Taxi driver in New York City

Now gay and living in San Francisco where he absolutely refuses to wear anything tan or brown.

Tour guide at St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican.

Seen running across the southern border of the United States disguised as a Mexican, where he was promptly apprehended and returned to Mexico. Apparently authorities had a hard time believing his name was Pancho Villa.

Driving the Conch Tour Train in Key West. Apparently he makes money on the side convincing drunken tourists to take their picture with him because of how much he looks like Hemingway.

Roadie for Aerosmith

Third member of the all Arab reggaeton group "Dos Rag-Heads and a Camel Jockey."

Learning to bribe law enforcement officials and mix martinis in case he could ever be of service to Ted Kennedy.

He's inspector #9.


Scarlett Johansson tops sexiest list

No she doesn't! She's cute, but she's a kid. So are Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Keira Knightley. Besides, Jenny McCarthy comes off as so obnoxious it takes any chance of sexiness away. As for Carmen Electra, she tries too hard and married a guy with a head three-times too big for his body. Terry Hatcher's pretty,but it was that stupid TV show that got her on the list. Halle Berry is pretty, and again, Maria Sharipova is also just a kid.

Tell you wife better be on that list!

How to spell r-e-t-i-r-e-m-e-n-t...

from today's Miami Herald:

Patti LaBelle struggled through a weekend show in Palm Beach County after taking the stage at midnight, at one point sitting down and crying.
''I've never been this embarrassed in my life,'' LaBelle told the crowd Saturday at the Riviera Beach Jazz & Blues Festival. ``It's the worst show I've ever done in my life.''
As temperatures dipped into the low 50s, LaBelle explained that she's nearly 62, has diabetes and a heart murmur -- and the cold weather wasn't agreeing with her.
The R&B singer tried to belt out a few notes, then told fans huddled under blankets that she understood if they walked out on her.
LaBelle struggled through Lady Marmalade with assistance from a few in the crowd, sang some gospel songs and On My Own before retreating.

Low fifties, sick, heart problem, and going on at midnight? She has unrealistic expectations. I wouldn't have gone on and I'm twenty years younger. When you lose the awareness you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, it's time to hang it up.

March 28, 2006

Christian Convert Vanishes After Release

Now this is proof we're all insane! This is an international incident...a man in Afghanistan, a place so ass-backward that they want to kill a guy for converting to Christianity! This is a place where we're spending billions, and Americans have been killed, and for what? What's changed? Are the Taliban truly out? I say f--k no.

President Karzai is afraid of offending the sensibilities of these Muslim clerics who are calling for the murder of this guy? Muslim "students" are joining in? Is it the same school where the 42-year old 9-11 types come from? The same school that teaches Muslims that everybody should pity them because of how disaffected they supposedly are and their only recourse is to go kill people?

I just have to ask what the fuck are we doing over there if this sort of shit is happening in March 2006?

Thoughts of the day.

Douglas MacArthur named commander of all forces in Korea, July 8, 1950. Exactly 14 years before I was born on that day.

July 8 1776 was the first time the Declaration of Independence was read in public. 230 years before I was born on that day.

In the irony of ironies, there is a Kevin Bacon blog or two early in this thing. July 8, 1958, Kevin Bacon was born...six years before I was born on that day. I only have one degree of Kevin Bacon.

With the release of this Abdel Rahman character, the country of Afghanistan is saying Christians are mentally unfit to be Muslims. This is a country that wants to kill a guy for not wanting to be a Muslim. Sounds a bit "salmon Rushdie-ish" to me. Yep, he believes in something different than other let's kill him before it spreads. Allah wants you to be a mindless drone who blindly follows his edicts as dictated to you by an out-of-touch, narrow-minded, near-sighted, non-traveled, bigoted, hate-mongering elder called an Imam, who can dictate the Muslim holy book as he sees fit, and to his own ends. Yep, drones kill, drones bomb, drones fly airplanes into buildings. Come on, we want more drones...

Sean Hannity ripped Alec Baldwin a new one on the Scottie Whitman radio show.

Why does the name "Jack Abramoff" sound so much like a verb?

Lyndon Johnson preferred calling his wife "Lady Bird" because it gave her the initials LBJ. Her name was Claudia. I like Claudia better. I found out recently two interesting facts about him which make me think he was a kooky cat, and probably would have been interesting to talk to: First, he liked to take his friends and visitors for rides on the country roads near his ranch and drink scotch while doing 90 mph. The second is he used to take important people into the bathroom to discuss important things, which he thought put psychological pressure on the person to whom he was speaking. He did that in combination with looming over them, since he was 6'4".

Animals can walk and poo at the same time, but people can't. I bet you always wanted to know that!

Graceland went on the registry of National Historic Landmarks. In fact, it's the second most popular home museum in the country, following the White House, with Mount Vernon, Monticello, and Ernest Hemingway's house trailing way behind. In an interview, Lisa Marie said Elvis loved Graceland and she was so proud of him. She also spoke of how people the world over loved her father. that's the reason why he died alone, overweight, from a drug overdose while on the toilet, and when he hit the floor no one was around to hear it. Uh-huh, great way for the "King of Rock and Roll" to go. What did the EPC (Elvis Presley corporation make last year? $60 million? I would have said the same thing...

If animals can sense evil, how can Hillary Clinton have a cat?