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February 21, 2006

Supporting the rights of geriatric smokers!!!

Disregard the proven hazard of second-hand smoke on non-smokers. Disregard the fire hazard. Disregard the smoking ban! Whatever happened to "smoking takes years off your life?" Apparently not.

Don't make granny push her walker through the ice and snow to go to the sequestered area where smokers are exiled! Papaw doesn't need to bust a hip walking over to "burn one." After all, how far away from the bar do you want to send these people? No facilities in the smoking area? Hey, don't make someone with a nervous bladder use a porta-potty. That's just cruel...

This would even create jobs. Hey, who would stock each room with ashtrays and make sure they're emptied? You would need someone to sell the smokes because forcing a senior citizen committed to a home to then have to deal with a cigarette machine may be good entertainment, but it's not that friendly of a gesture. You need more bartenders, someone to do the cigar cutting and whatever you smack the pack of cigarettes against your hand for, which no one can explain but seem to do before opening up a new pack. Making geriatrics do that could just spell lawsuit or increased insurance. Whatever happens, I don't think a 90 year-old nursing home resident with a stogie is too worried about catching cancer. Just make sure the bar stools are lower.

Nope, I say encourage them. Once they come down for breakfast, light the smoking lamp. Mid-morning Marlboro breaks; afternoon tea and Tareytons; evening cocktails and Camels. Cigar time goes from 0600 to 0559 daily. Any orderly or employee who isn't "Johnny-on-the-spot" with a Zippo when Yaya pulls out a lucky gets the big heave-ho! In fact, better to issue all the smokers their own lighters. Yep, senior smokers, some a bit whacky, and all with the ability to burn the place down if they can't smoke where they want! How's that for motivating the staff, eh?

If they made it this far and want to smoke, I say let'em!


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