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2006-02-28

Plan to save the lottery winners

In a surprising revelation today, governors from four southern states announced a plan to save the lottery winners...from themselves...their own ignorance...their own ignorant relatives...and all the lawyers and vultures that inevitably follow.

It's not a bad idea, although I made it up. Take Florida for example. It seems the lottery winners have an average life expectancy of two years or less after winning. I contend that we need an age limit and the rules for playing the lottery in the first place. No people on fixed incomes...we know how gambling can make people crazy. No retirees, no welfare or public assistance recipients...hey, you people apparently already won the lottery!

You heard me, no retirees. If a retiree feels the need to play the lottery in order to improve his or her standard of living, maybe they shouldn't have retired in the first place. I have the answer...get a job.

Money makes people nutty. People turn on each other, so maybe we really should do things differently. Hey! How about an I.Q test? Score below a high school level and you're required to take the annuity payments. No lump sum for you there, pal, there's no future brain surgeon in your family.

Maybe use dental exams? If you're missing more than two teeth, then it's the automatic payments for you too. We have to protect the inbred, back-woods white trash from not only themselves, but the rest of the Budweiser-swilling residents of their trailer park.

No fat people. If you can't even see your private parts, how can you be expected to handle big money? Blowing millions of dollars at Burger King would just be stupid.

Nobody that can't "abla." At least learn to say thanks in english before La Migra comes.

Legal residents only. I can see what would happen if an illegal alien won the lottery. The shit storm would be epic.

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