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2006-03-01

Carol City Custard Caper

So the music finally made someone snap? I know how that feels. Every time I hear rap music, I just want to "bust some caps." Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? After all, isn't a jailhouse rapper more respected than a college graduate? Maybe I'll change my name to "x-Fitty = Fitty cent." It's not just a name, but an algebra problem (x-50 =50). Apparently the terms "Fifty" and the plural "cents" are either unacceptable, or not pronounceable.

So what kind of ice cream was that? An ice cream man selling "scoops" in Carol City at night? That's a bit suspicious. By any chance was his name Tony Montana? Was it "Cocaine Custard, Peruvian Nose Candy, Colombian Marching Powder," or some other reference to drugs I heard from Miami Vice? Was he selling "eight balls" instead of Snowballs? Does this give an entirely new meaning to the term "want some sprinkles on that?" Miami "Ice." Now there's a good name for some snow cone-looking dope.

So what made the guy shoot? Did he want a Rocket Pop and all the ice cream man had were Creamsickles? I know Rocket Pops are good, but not something to drill the dude over.

Did the ice cream man not come across with enough dough? Is there a minimum you have to give some assclown in order to not get shot? "Sorry Sir, you've not met the minimum cover charge...Boom!"

Maybe the ice cream truck was a sweet machine? Lowered, chromed-out, with a new motor pushing out 500 horsepower; all leather inside, disco ball in the back? Someone in Miami getting shot over a set of "spinners" is no big shock. What's the rule now? Rims are supposed to be at least double the value of the car?

Was the ice cream man "playing popsicle" with the robber's wife? After all, he was the fudgesicle guy. ...graphic, eh? Be glad I didn't say corndog...

It's probably not any of these things. It was most likely just some typical piece-of-crap thief who decided he didn't need a job and that shooting and robbing people and destroying other people's families was the best way to go. Obviously he's too stupid to realize while he thinks he's so poor and desperate he needs to steal, or he's an addict and has to get money, he spent money on a gun and ammo. Maybe he should spend it on something else?

I have the solution. He can just sell the gun and buy some food, or use the gun...on himself. The latter is actually preferable.

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