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October 26, 2005

I was a believer once...

I'm not really sure when it was, most likely as I served two years in Korea, since I was going to mass every weekend, finding the church a place where I felt good. Oddly, every time I went to mass, there was a point somewhere in there that I was led to tears. I wonder why?

Nowadays, I find no interest in any of that. I came back from Korea only to see the priest sex abuse scandal, and back into the reality of my failed marriage and son who lives with the ex as I struggle to see him from 4 hours away. I then have to see his reaction to all the men she lets come and go, and realize that while I kept the moral high ground through the divorce and everything that followed, I lost, and in the end the moral high ground wasn't worth it. It's like how I am biologically unable to kiss ass, yet the ass-kissers get ahead, regardless of what people say.

Then I look around for signs of God. Suffering children, wars, "ethnic cleansing" (which is just a PC phrase for mass murder of people who aren't like you), hatred and murder in the name of God, Allah, and whomever else; women killing their children; men kidnapping, molesting, and murdering little kids; my son continuing to be subjected to that whore; my brother disrespecting and dishonoring my parents; good people dying while evil people live; killer storms, killer earthquakes, killer floods, corruption, vice, greed, more people killing in the name of God; Aids, Bird Flu, etc. etc.

Through all this, where is God? I miss almost every birthday, first day of school, soccer games, karate practices, colds, sleepless nights, scraped knees, and holidays of a child who is only 11, and what do I get in return? Paying through the nose and no contact with him while I'm in the desert, which I'm sure is her doing since she has yet another boyfriend. Do I even look forward to going back home and being nearby? No. I'm in the Army, so I go where they order, and where is home anyway? Even my number one girl, whom I consider one of the only shining spots in my life, the person who always said she was worried I would break her heart, apparently had no issue with breaking mine as I found out she was lying to me about something for two years.

All around me I hear people talking about their faith, and I think, their "blind faith." Maybe I had that kind of hope when I was their age? Probably not. After growing up with my abusive brother, seeing a good friend die when I was 17, and feeling lost at 18, I really don't think hope was in my bag of tricks. If I'm to believe most of what I see and little of what I hear, then I don't believe in God. I see some people who seem to really enjoy their faith. I was born Catholic, so I don't have such an experience. Instead, I can still see the looks of sheer guilt and anguish on the old people in church, and the voice of the priest as he hit us up for cash. All the while, people of other faiths try to tell me how messed-up my church is, never knowing I don't consider it mine. Priests told me growing up to fear God, fear God, God will punish you, and then one day it was "love him because he loves you." Well, welcome to Dysfunction Junction. When I asked why that was, a priest said it was what they told kids to keep them in line. I told him that was pretty freakin stupid. Apparently, God thinks kids are idiots.

It seems that while some people live carefree lives where everything seems to fall in place, my mission is apparently to atone for whatever sin I've committed now, every day, and to suffer through the mind-numbing contact I'm forced to have with my ex in the "hope" of some spoonful of contact with my son. I'm stuck. If I want more constant contact, I have to sacrifice my job and my pension in order to locate myself nearby, but if I don't make myself suffer that way, I sacrifice being there for his pre-teen and teenage years. I already missed his childhood.

Thanks God. You'll tell me what I did to deserve this, okay? Oh, I forget, you NEVER answer, but apparently expect people to believe just "because." And you think we're idiots? You're right, we are. The reason they should believe is the old "because the Bible says so," and when someone asks why, everyone else tells them how bad they are for questioning God (when they're actually questioning a book), guilting them into submission. (It's the five monkeys story of an earlier blog entry) Let me know what my son did also. Of course, you let him get baptised by that pedophile priest, but I guess that was okay, right?

Wrong. If he existed, would he really allow so many children to suffer? If so, he's one sick bastard, and I don't want anything to do with him. And what exactly did my parents do that makes them deserve to have to suffer through my idiot brother's mistreatment? What did my cousin do when you made him suffer from age 9 to age 27 when he died, only to make sure his family had to be there for every gut-wrenching detail? You have a sick sense of humor.

Of course, believers are also indoctrinated in the "you can't say anything bad to God or you're bad." Well, fuck you people too... Blind faith is blind trust, something I just can't bring myself to do. I see far too many people who don't go to church, who seem to skate though life with no problems. I know people who use the expression "It's part of God's plan," which I find moronic, combined with the fact we're not supposed to question the "plan," because that's questioning God, who is apparently infallable.

Right. Show me one more little kid with a bloated stomach from starving or born with AIDS, and I'll show you a fallable God. Show me one more innocent person minding their business getting blown-up by a terrorist and I'll show you a fallable God. Show me a son, and his father, who cry because they miss each other over and over again, while his mother complains about how hard she has it being around him all the time, and I'll show you a fallable God. No. You feed the kids, you end the AIDS, you stop the terrorists, and you stop making it so damn hard for me to be around my kid. Don't let others make excuses for you. Do it.

Come to think of it, he sounds like a democrat.

Like I said, I used to be a believer. Now I believe I'll stop talking about it.


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