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October 30, 2005

In the words of Happy Gilmore

"All you need for golf are goofy clothes and a fat ass! My next door neighbor must be a great golfer...huge ass!"

The news says the golf craze is slowing down. Well, why should people go crazy and worry? Americans (who have unrealistic expectations in the first place) get stupid when something considered a "boom" starts to slow down. They somehow think the latest "boom" over golf is indicative of something. Here's your answer:

Their right, it is indicative of something, but it has nothing to do with golf. Here's the truth...sorry if it hurts you golfer-weirdo's out there: The only reason for golf courses is to build and sell the real estate around them. Period.

Americans, in their hunt for bling, have to be able to look down their noses at someone and say they live on a golf course. It's something Americans have to do, since an ego is one of our traits, and concentration on stuff that isn't important to anyone else but us, like material crap. Then they pull the oldest (nerd) trick in the book, which is take someone golfing, play down the course on their street, then try to act surprised as they exclaim to their guest "wow, I can see my house from the course!" Well of course you can, dipshit, it's 50 feet off the course and you've played that hole a hundred times... Now your guest thinks you're a real jerk too. Nice going.

It's not hard, the interest rates have started to go back up, and the amount of available housing around golf courses has decreased. It's a no-brainer. Besides, after the big attempt to attract John-Q Public to play golf, and seeing as many pairs of cut-off jeans and wife-beaters on the course, people get a bit tired of that kind of thing. The reason for the bandana hanging out of the back pocket is what again? Como? Come to find out, those high-top sneakers and all the Marlboro butts actually are bad for the course.

The hard reality of it is, unless you can afford the real estate, most of the golf courses around nowadays are private, so you're looking at forking-over some dough to play. The public courses are expensive too, and usually chewed-up by all the other golfers and neglected by the owners who put more money into the bar and restaurant than the course. People get tired of having the wife constantly tell them to bring the kids to the pitch-and-putt irons course (so she can go cheat on you for the afternoon), and once they get fairly good at the game, are tired of all the hackers and beer-golfers who screw-up the course and then make nine-holes take three hours.

Hey, it's a great game for senior citizens and corporate types, but if you're a guy who wants to hang with the kids, or do something where the scenery changes and you don't have to look at old women in plaid, try something else. Did you know fishing is the number-one sport in the country, twice as popular as NASCAR, pro sports, and yes, even golf. Why? Because it's not the game that's important, but the people you spend time with while you do them. Write that down.

Take up golf when you're knees finally give out, or you give really want to shine the boss's ass. Chances are he's got a big ass.

Never trust someone who doesn't fish.


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