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December 19, 2012

Assault Weapons Ban is Ineffective Political Bullshit

I'm a gun owner and NRA member, but I don't believe anyone needs an assault weapon. I say ban them, but doing so now is just a political ploy, a nonsensical knee-jerk to the real issue. The problem is that we have a pile of crazy people in this country that snap like, well, the crazy people they are, and apparantly also being cowards, they decide to go pick on schoolchildren instead of someone that would fight back or at least offer a moderate amount of resistance. Or flee. Or do something besides stand there bewildered because they're children, but I digress. We need to figure out why people snap and then grab weapons and go kill masses of Americans. Why do people "go postal," a term derived from the constant shootings of postal workers by other postal workers. We have to figure that out. We also need to eliminate the gun show loophole in the background check process. If you NEED a gun that day, you probably shouldn't have it. If you're at a gun show to purposely get around the background check, you shouldn't be allowed to buy a gun. Do it like in New Jersey: a citizen buys one permit to buy one gun, which takes 7 days to get. Once they have the permit, they have 30 days to buy the gun or the purchasing permit expires. If they want to buy another gun, they have to get another permit. It makes sense. Also, this second amendment argument is a bunch of crap. I don't think while Jefferson was loading his single-shot musket that took him over a minute to reload, that he was referring to 800-round per-minute assault rifles people have the guts to say they're buying for hunting purposes or home defense. Yep. Go buy a double-barrel shotgun to do that and leave the weapons of war in the hands of the military. I would, however, like to have a World War II M-1 for the collection. By the way...if any politician thinks they look smart or serious or compassionate or caring as they vote for the weapon's ban, guess what...you don't! You look like a clown-shoe wearing dolt that's a day late, and a dollar short. You go for the low-hanging political fruit because doing the hard, honest work is too big a leap for you. It's too hard to establish a budget, cut spending, shore-up medicare and social security by raising the age, or protect citizens by figuring out why we have so many depressed, prozac-taking hair-trigger lunatics in this country, so let's jump on the assault weapons issue that's as easy as falling on a slip-and-slide. After all, someone already did that. All you have to do is...well...nothing, and that's what you're used to doing.

September 27, 2012

Obama Gives jobs to the Chinese

Funny how Obama rails on Romney for sending jobs to China, while he does the exact thing. Well, not exactly, he takes YOUR tax money and then gives it to China, the same way he took YOUR tax money and gave it to foreign "green job" producers in Scandanavia and Mexico. Liar liar, pants on fire...

March 21, 2012

Dental tourism? Como.

I just saw an Internet for "dental tourism," where you travel to Guatemala to visit an American-trained dentist and pay one-tenth of the price for treatment because the insurance overhead is cut out. $38 for a cleaning. $38!!! Wow. While perplexed, stunned and amazed, I'm also intrigued. What's next? If they come up with proctological tourism, count me out.

Carbon-hating president burns millions in carbon to protest carbon

Anyone else think it's disingenuous and hypocritical to use Air Force One and the rest of the aerial armada to go stump for alternative energy? Hey Obama, next time take a convoy of Prius' you phony jackass!!! If carbon is the fuel of the past, why did you just spend a few million dollars on it? Maybe your solar buddies could have helped you out? Wait, one went tits-up, another does business in Mexico, and the other has their hand out for more. For shame. Punch yourself in the face...

White House coke machine replaced by smoking crack.

When you are so political you think searching for long- term energy solutions that don't exist is more important than lowering the price of gas when it's at an historic high...you're smoking crack.

When you believe it's smart to fly around in a couple 747's and military jets carrying your limousines and burning millions of dollars in fuel to go talk about the cost of fuel...you're smoking crack.

When you haven't granted any lew oil leases, decreased the amount of federal land available to drill, but tell everyone you increased drilling...you're smoking crack...not to mention lying.

When you give half a billion dollars to a solar company that fails and keep thinking your energy policy has a point other than politics and your energy secretary has come thing other than shit for brains...you're smoking crack.

October 25, 2011

This country has gone insane!!!

CNN has lost it's mind: They all have nothing else to talk about than Herman Cain's smoking Chief of Staff. Who gives a shit? Their boy smokes, but they conveniently forget about that.

Headline News has nothing else to talk about but the Michael Jackson trial. Who gives a shit!

Jane Velasquez-Mitchell...same same.

Our President has become a persona non-Grata joke. He's a pair of clown shoes. The country is circling the bowl and he's out at fund raisers with the astonishingly absurd belief he needs four more years to finish flushing the country. He's going on the Tonight Show. He's on a bus tour like a sad Blues musician touting his lack of vision and complete mental blank when it comes to governing.

Our politicians are squabbling like children! Do they really think we want them to act worse than a bunch of first graders on the playground? You people suck.

Democrats want to spend even more money we don't have. Tell you what, give up the limousines and airplanes and go to the supermarket and ask them to give you a cart full of groceries for free...see how long it takes for them to throw you out. In fact, throw yourselves out. You suck too.

The liberals are mourning Gaddafi. What? The president says he wants to support the new leadership who just instituted Sharia law. Okay, so no Easter dinner at the white house, but an Eid dinner during Ramadan?

Where is he? Where is the President? Why isn't he at work? If he's still taking a paycheck, why isn't he at work?

The people protesting Wall Street should be protesting the White House. That's who's really taking your money.

Democrats want to make the 1% of the people in this country that pay 20% of all the taxes to pay their "fair share." What's fair about that? Get all the lazy welfare taking bastards to get off their asses. Tell people out of work there is dignity in working, and to stop taking their unemployment welfare.

The government won't secure the borders. They won't follow the law, and they punish states that take it upon themselves to do what the federal government won't do.

"Clean coal." There is no damned thing, so shut up about it.

The government gives my money to green energy companies that go broke, and they don't admit it! Why should anyone pay taxes if this is how they spend them?

The first stimulus didn't work! Why do people think another one will?

The President already paid off the teacher's union, and now he says his new bill will put teachers back to work? Come again? This is insanity.

People have gone from seeing a rich man and asking themselves how they can make money like he does, to asking himself how they can take what he has. We have a society full of sniveling welfare-addicted maggots. Make your own damned money.

The trade bill with Korea and Panama would have been done a year ago, but the President wanted to get them to unionize in their own countries. Insanity! They laughed at him and sent him packing. Yes, they laughed at the President.

We're spending more per week on the security of Afghanistan's border than we paid for our own border last year! Incredible.

I'd like to go on, but I have to go spew. Throw all of them out! It's a do-over.

Love,

Brainclogger.

January 7, 2011

Just read a great book called Unnecessary Evils!

Great stuff! It kept going and changing and keeping me interested. Action, adventure, no waxing philosophical on anything for more than half a page, good versus evil, ass-kicking, mystery, twists and turns and now I want the next one, which the author is apparently working on. Check it out!

timramseybook.com

April 2, 2010

A-Hole of the Next Ten Minutes

In a new feature here on Brainclogger and a tribute to Larry Flynt, I've decided to put a face to the people I consider perpetrating utter stupidity in the name of humanity. Sadly, there are so many brown-eyes, turd cutters, sphincters, poop chutes, rectal caves, balloon knots and other a-hole resembling people doing a-hole-ish things that I can't go with "A-Hole of the month," or the week, or even the day. People in society today, not even mentioning our government make not calling someone a butthole every few minutes virtually impossible.

Back to these two silly Russians. Dipshit female number one, on the left, barely 17 years-old, was most likely 16 in the picture with her "husband," a rat bastard Muslim terrorist otherwise known as dipshit male number two (also an anal reference)on the right. Where were these kids parents? Maybe they're the real a-holes of the next ten minutes. Who let her marry at 16? Who made her an extremist shithead? Who turned her into a mass murderer? Who gave her the gun she has in her miniature hand? Who introduced her to the Muslim zealot she apparently married as a child?

So where does a 17 year-old girl get an explosive belt? There must not be many malls in Russia, or schools, or proms, cell phones, Facebook, or TV, or something other than marrying young, filling yourself full of hate, and instead of going to the movies with your friends, you blow-up a subway full of innocent people because in your warped mind, the mass-murdering shithead you married whom the government killed, needs to be avenged. Maybe they never learned to fish.

I am so tired of hearing about Muslim terrorists I could scream. They're like the ACLU...they're always doing despicable things for the wrong reason, and they just won't go away.

April 1, 2010

Bizarre New Sea Creature Arrives!

Just don't tell the Chinese, or else they'll say it's a delicacy and it will be extinct in no time.

March 29, 2010

I'm on the Attorney General holder Blog!

How screwed-up is that?

Ricky's gay and Spicoli's a Commie!

Well just TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW!

Come on, anyone could tell Ricky Martin was flaming? If you couldn't, you were obviously blind.

Sean Penn is a deluded communist of epic proportions, and not only did he open his stupid mouth wide enough on Bill Maher to spew sewage all over, but he helped Maher look like an even bigger gutless pinko shithead than he already did, the pseudo-intellectual arrogant self-absorbed egotistical jackoff that he is. But I digress.

What Bill "am I as important as I feel" Maher didn't call Sean Penn on was this: Penn said people are big meanies and say lies about his buddy Hugo Chavez, and "anyone that says such things should be jailed." Hmm, let me think who that reminds me of? Stalin? Pinochet? Castro? Duvalier? Mao? Kim Jong Il? Edi Amin? Saddam Hussein? The Nazis? The Chinese? Wow, what friends are these, Sean?

You see, Bill Maher should have had the guts to stop being a sniveling liberal for two minutes and say "Hey Sean, what you're saying here is people who exercise their rights to free speech under our Constitution should be thrown in jail? Really? Did Sean Penn just let us in on a glimpse of how screwed-up he really is? After all, I still remember he went over and had tea with Saddam. That from a guy that cruise the streets of New Orleans after Katrina with a shotgun. The same guy that punches-out photographers and doesn't think he deserves to be punished, but talk about his little buddy and you should go to jail ya big meanie doo doo head!

He must have congratulated Chavez after he changed his constitution by force in order to elect himself president in perpetuity, closed the TV stations and newspapers, took over the oil companies and threw 70% of his country into poverty...but hey, that's not a communist dictator any more so than in North Korea.

Maybe it's all a cover? Maybe he works for the CIA? He has to be, or else he's the biggest brown-eye on the planet. Well, next to Maher.

Nah, he really is the butthole we all think he is.

Jerseylicious is Jerseydiculous, Jerseytarded, and Jerseythetic

When will the dipshits across the river in New Yowk realize that Joizee people don't all say Joizee, Doun da Showur, Owe my Gawud, or any other stereotypical activity of Bergen or Somerset counties, which, to the assholes at MTV and E-Channel are the only places that make New Jersey...well, New Jersey. The "Real Housewives" are anything but real, spandex and camaro hair went out of style long ago, and if the point of the show is to watch uppity beeyatches argue the entire time, you hit your mark.

Now for this new batch of fucksticks. Try and get the tramp with the fake tan and the New York accent to stop saying "I'm from Joizee," "It's a Joizee thing," and so forth. Chances are this little slut's never been outside route 87. They all need to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Breakfast Club so they can see the time warp they're stuck in. Spiked heel boots and off the shoulder sweaters? Where's the sauseech? Is that a rug on Frankie's head? I think I can see a net underneath. Forgeddaboudit.

This brings me to a diversion called The Jersey Shore. Not the place, or even the mindset, but the TV show full of Staten Island posers trying to FAKE they're from Jersey, and they do a pretty shitty job of it. Come down to South Jersey where we can actually pronounce the "er" and see how big of morons you look like.

Hey! I got a situation for the Situation. It's called a genital situation, and the Situation knows what he can do with my situation along with those guttersluts from New York on the show with him. The only one from Jersey is from Hazlet, a nice little town that from the looks of it, spawns it's fair share of little bimbos. Good thing is, all the hair gel DJ Jazzy Jagoff party boys like the one on the show and the pink polo shirt wearing Gotti guinea boys are already rounded up on an island. It's called Staten island, and someone needs to tell the TV people it's not New Jersey.

Why does MTV take outsiders and have them ACT like what they think Jersey people are like? Partly because the MTV people are a bunch of Hollywood phonies who think they should typecast rather than actually know what they're doing, and partly because they're opinion of Jersey is rather low, based soley on Bergen and Somerset. They think it's okay to insult the entire state as long as they make a few bucks.

Now we have these tacky, polyester wearing, big hair wannabe Manhattan hookers in a hair salon to represent E-Channel's idea of who and what Jersey is, and I tell you, it's freakin sad. Even Pauly Walnuts and Sill would be embarrassed by these tools. Hell, Pauly Shore would be embarrassed by them.

March 22, 2010

Four "Horse-persons" of the Apocalypse Bankrupt the US.

In late-night action, Dems gathered around their grand-dame, paying her much needed praise for finally getting off her ass and doing something since taking over Congress in 2006. Mere moments before she had to run back to her stand in the "notoriously corrupt politicians" section next to Bill Clinton at Madame Tussuad's wax museum, dems praised her for strong-arming them, belittling them, making completely un-veiled threats, and basically shined her wrinkly ass until she was sated. All the while, she stood nearby with a fake smile plastered on her cosmetically frozen face while making sure to avoid eye contact with anyone in the room. Turning her head to scan the room, a dull clicking noise could be heard along with a gutteral droning noise like Mongolian throat music. Luckily, before the wax melted into a nightmare-inducing brain-burning memory for those unfortunate enough to be watching the liberal circle-jerk, right before the assembled humanity gouged-out their own eyes, she mercifully departed.

Shortly after midnight, word came that before the government spends any more money it didn't have, our creditors (the Chinese) called and said they want their money first. In true form, democrats asked how they could be out of money if they still had blank checks in the checkbook? Steny Hoyer was heard to utter "you know when you say I'd gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today? Well, you never pay" as he giggled like a schoolgirl. At that point, the room resembled a herd of deer caught in the headlights and a collective, drawn-out "oh" was audible above the creaking of bones. The IQ level of those in attendance dropped an average of 10 points. Can you say "my name's Forrest Gump?"

During the back-slap butt-kiss Olympics witnessed after passage of the bill, not a single idiot (er, congressman) mentioned they did what they did for their constituents. It was absurdly amazing. They spoke of the "good-ole boy network" without using those words, fluffed each other publicly (well, except for Nancy. She's in her seventies and that's just gross, although she's probably better hung than the guys), and spoke of how "hard" other dems worked. All the while, they disregarded, or completely forgot they are elected representatives...apparently for a bunch of unfortunate peasants that didn't realizeb they were appointing royalty until Nancy said "let them eat cake."

Fornicate Gordon Gekko, greed is not good and this thing is going to hurt. I can only imagine what the stock market will do this week. The democratic plan looks like this:
- ignore job creation and extend unemployment benefits using money we don't have
- Let the Bush tax cuts expire in order to socialize our country, punish high earners, and redistribute wealth from the earners to the inherently lazy
- Take control of the banks
- Take control of the insurance companies
- Take control of the automakers
- Ignore the trade deficit because we're already bent over for the Chinese. Think of ways to take more money from Americans.
-Have liberal minions say "only a very small percentage of Americans will see a rise in insurance premiums," using the figure "1 in 5." Well, I know liberals hope we can't do our "cypherin," but 1 in 5 is 20%! Yep, a very small percentage indeed.
- Spend a trillion dollars on a stimulus plan that only stimulates the federal government. Why am i thinking of "fluffer-nutter?"
-Spend another trillion on health care. Write another check against an overdrawn account.

Yep, great plan. Should I burn down my house and move out of the country before the invading Chinese, the foreclosing feds, the IRS, the Orwellian thought police, ACORN, gun-control nuts or PETA come for me?

I know...if they do come for me, I can always call and get health insurance on the way to the hospital! After all, the axe in my forehead is a pre-existing condition and they don't matter any more! Oh, and using liberal logic, any injury after a car accident is pre-existing too so I guess I can cancel my car insurance now. Screw you Warren Buffet, save money on car insurance the old fashioned way...cancel it.

No more government cheese for anybody...

March 21, 2010

Hi. I'm Obama, your Cruise Director

I want to be President. All I have to do is convince people I should be President. That's it. I don't have to be able to do it, just entitled. If I can guilt people into voting for me, all the better. Imagine the guilt I can bring when re-election time comes.

Once elected, I stay on the campaign trail. Hey, it works for Obama, the "Campaigner in Chief." Either he can't find his office, is too scared to step into the big tent and piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs, or he just knows his gift of gab is his ticket to the "magic carpet ride" known as his presidency. To anyone who has ever seen the HBO series Band of Brothers, Mr. Obama is the Lieutenant Dyke of presidents.

I think Obama would make a good cruise director on a cruise ship. Hey, he gets paid to travel, talk-to and usher people around (read: community organizer), and seeing him in odd places like morning on the excursion boat or introducing La Cage aux Folles at midnight doesn't seem weird. There's no personal attribution given in any of his spoken words and to the majority of sunburned, straw-hat-wearing, got my socks on with my sandals clueless Americans who naturally gravitate to the cruise director to find out what they should do next, he has a purpose. At the end of the day, he gets to usher you back aboard even if you're not ready to go, charges you an unexpected re-entry "tax" to get back on the boat (nothing more than asset redistribution kickbacks called "tips" for the crew), and gets to blame the whole thing on the needs and policies of "the ship." When absolutely necessary, he's around. Most other times, he's a ghost. He has no real responsibility for the operation of the ship or the success of the cruise line in general and doesn't want any, but has a title that creates the appearance of responsibility, authority, experience, and expertise...be it ever-so the paper tiger.

Wait! Without the part about having a purpose, the last paragraph actually sounds like Obama's current job. The most traveled President in history; no big surprise. Refer back to paragraph 2.

Hi! Welcome to the Fantasy of the Seas. I'm Barry, your Cruise Director.

World declares Americans totally clueless!

On a day-to-day basis, I put up with a host of stupid shit. From political correctness, the demise of dignity and honesty, the furtherance of the welfare state, silly drivers, testosterone-laden asswipes, devious politicians and lawyers, no corn in the commissary, no place to get a decent sandwich in this one-horse town (I'm not in Naples), no broccoli rabe in the Kroger, nothing good on TV and on and on, not to mention separation from my wife and kids because of work. Well, I mentioned it after all.

All this fades in comparison (for the next two minutes) to our country's mamby-pamby, touchy-feely insistence on lying to each other, mollycoddling each other, convincing each other that Americans have some sort of entitlement and guarding people from what they really need most...a wake-up call!!! Now people are upset that if they go into the Obama real-estate welfare bail-out program, their credit scores drop so it hurts them in trying to get loans, credit cards, etc.

What the F--K? Are you serious? Do you realize what you're saying?

REALITY CHECK: You're saying now that you're getting bailed-out by the government because you can't pay your home loan, you're mad because you can't...get another loan? Really? What the news is saying is it's bad that people who can't afford their houses can't sign up for more loans they can't afford to stack on top of the home loan they can't afford. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!! What friggin planet are you people on?

Oh, I forgot the mantra of the PC America..."we have a right to this" and "we have a right to that." Blah blah blah. I say exercise your right to remain silent, you freakin morons. Your right to force the government to skim money from the people who actually pay their bills and give to the dipshits that don't infringes on my rights and pushes a far too intrusive government even further into my life.

All this smacks of ignorance and greed. Ignorance as to how to manage your money, ignorance in not understanding the type of financial product you're buying, and ignorance in becoming far too leveraged (definition for the ignorant is you bought too much shit on credit, don't own your house or car, spend too much, and don't have any money in the mattress in case something bad happens. Everything that comes in goes back out). Greed comes in because Americans feel they're entitled to have everything they want no matter if they can afford it. They buy six-bedroom houses when they don't even have any kids, finance more than one vehicle per family, have an average of SIX credit cards (definition for the ignorant is you bought more shit than you can pay for because you're greedy). An average of six cards; think about that. Our education system must be producing masses of mindless drones that know absolutely dick about how to manage their money but fall easy prey to marketing...convinced they need every damned thing someone says they do.

I should really be able to beeyatch-slap people back into reality. It pisses me off that some of us have to carry the weight for ourselves and those that can't carry their own. Is it fair that people should be forced by the government to do that?
I say if you have a house you can't afford, a boat in the driveway on a loan you don't need next to the motorcycle you have on a loan sitting next to the jet-ski, two cars on loans (one with $2500 rims), six credit cards near their max limit, 57" flat-screen TV's and a garage filled to capacity with stuff you don't use, no money for a rainy day, no solid college fund for your kids and you're talking about how bad you need to put in a pool, all the while your gluttonous ass has gotten so fat a family of pygmies could live inside your butt-cheeks, I should be able to slap the piss out of you.

...but wait. I forgot...you're entitled to be a jackass. Just don't crap on old Brainclogger.

March 11, 2010

Mexican becomes richest man in world. Subsequently erects border fence!

In a bizarre twist on isolationism, Mexican Carlos Slim, the richest man in the world (including the King of Bahrain and his solid silver car and 224-room house) threw up a border fence to keep more Americans from emigrating to his country. When asked for comment, he said "those damned gringos are becoming a strain on my country. There's no money here, why do they keep coming?" When asked if his riches would slow the flight of his countrymen to the "Great Satan" United States, he revealed his border fence will be like a raccoon trap...you can go through one way, but not come back out. Pressed for a reason why he would favor a fence that Mexicans can go through but not come back, he said "I have a G-5, what do I care? Besides, they'll get free health care there, so more money for me!"

Meanwhile, at his smallish 150 million-dollar home in Seattle, Bill Gates commented that Slim wouldn't be the richest man in the world if he indeed had to manufacture a product, saying "if I could just get those darned Malaysian kids to stop sleeping so much, we could get more work done. Two hours is good enough for any eight year-old."

Not to be outdone, after feeling a bit insecure, Warren Buffet sent an order to Boeing for a new 747 to add to his collection of private aircraft. His new mantra is apparently "my bizjet is bigger than his bizjet."

Cory Haim was enabled all the way into the ground.

What the f---k is an "addictionologist?" Whay are people in Hollywood of the opinion that doing less drugs is a sign of recovery? Drugs are drugs, and you're either addicted, or you're not.

He was an addict in a downward spiral, and it doesn't take a genius to know that.

He was a washed-up child star, and no one in Hollywood had the guts or love for him to teach that to him. Look aat the record:
-Danny Bonaduce- addiction problem, coping problem, other issues
-Andrew Koenig- What more can I say?
-Gary Coleman- should have quit after Different Strokes ended.
-Todd Bridges- same.
-Willy Ames- after washing up, he had money issues, became a minister, failed at that, and now is a registered financial advisor! How ironic.
-Tracy Gold- I don't even want to go there.
-River Phoenix- room temperature
-Lindsay Lohan- not going there either.
-Lisa Bonet- into obscurity
-McCaulay Culkin- What drug are you on today there, dude?
-Robert Blake- he was cool as Mickey, and good as Beretta, but should have quit when he was ahead
-Haley Joel Osment- until you stop seeing dead people, no driver's license for you
-Dana Plato- room temperature
-Dustin Diamond- convinced Screech was cool. Tricked into believeing it. Failed as a porn actor

Actually, the list is so entertaining, the link above goes to a website that gives an update on all the child stars.

Needless to say, no one told Cory Haim he needed to try college, the service, a supporting job, or even a spot on Dr. Drew.

Fairwell Bro, your so-called "friends" failed you.

Straight students denied their rights by Lesbian

ACLU...if i had a dime for every time they fell into the wrong side of an argument. What civil liberties are there for all the other kids in that school now? They're at the mercy of the gay agenda and the ACLU's anti-American activities. That's right, they're discriminating against all the other kids because they're NOT gay.

The girl wants to wear a tuxedo to the prom. That's great, a cross-dressing lesbian wants to bring her lesbian lover to the prom. Does one lesbian AWLAYS have to be the dude? Why do they assume male sex roles if they are female? What's next? Male gay students wanting to wear dresses to the Prom? Who is Prom "Queen" at that point? I guess it's automatic when a cross-dressing transvestite dude walks into the Prom.

Now this girl will have the rest of her life to deal with everyone else in her class she denied the high school ritual of Prom. Will the ACLU be with her for the rest of her life as she deals with that load of resentlment and anger? Probably not. Her parents will now get as much negativity as she does, and they probably deserve it. They failed to teach her that her activities may lead to discrimination against all the other kids, and obviously never heard "what's good for the many outweighs the needs of the one." Her parents should have told her that college is the place to press your cause, not in some Mississippi high school.

Will she pay the ACLU legal fees? Now the taxpayers of her town will have to fork over the dough for the defense, so she'll probably piss-off the entire town. Good going.

Forcing political correctness on people never works, but the ACLU will never understand that.

March 7, 2010

Oscars Utter Failure! Actors commit mass suicide!

Well, not really, but after watching all the self-indulgent,hero-worshipping horseshit for the few minutes I could stand, I felt like beating myself to death with the copy of Syriana I somehow have in my DVD collection.

They made it racist. Yep, they asked if the first African American would win a best Oscar of some type, I was paying more attention at that point to cleaning between my toes.

So they're giving awards to a computer-generated movie, eh? What's next...and the Oscar goes to Bugs Bunny? Avatar, for all it's grandeur, is a cartoon. A guy gets a cinematographer award for directing a cartoon? Lovely.

Somewhere, a soldier guarantees those "celebrities," the "beautiful people," their right to be pretentious blowhards. Are any of the actors thanking them? Only the guy that spent a year in Iraq before making The Hurt Locker.

Somewhere, a soldier is facing more fear and danger than any of those people ever will. Somewhere, a soldier is laying his life on the line...for them, and very few appreciate it. Sure, Brad Pitt made a military movie, but has he been to Iraq to see the troops? Tarantino makes a war movie, but has he been over yet? Hey Quentin, how did you get that new chin? You look so much like Jay Leno it's weird.

Keanu Reeves just called war an "alluring narcotic." What the f--k are you talking about? First off there, Neo, what do you know about it? Nothing. Okay Ted, put-up or shut-up. Go over and say thanks to the soldiers that protect you. Didn't bother shaving for the awards, eh? Nice. You looked like crap. Good choice.

Interesting to see the aging progeny of John Hughes. John Cryer and Anthony Michael Hall looked great. Molly Ringwald looked pretty good, but McCauley Culkin needs a bath and it looked like Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy shared some crystal meth before the show. Bender looks like he's been on a...well...bender. Ally looked like a tweaker as she invoked Peter Pan in some off-the-hip tribute to someone she should have thought harder for. Where was Rob Lowe or Andrew McCarthy? Were Robert Downey Junior in his oh-so-stylish blue shades, and Demi Moore (not Di-mee) too good to wander over and stand next to their fellow John Hughes actors? Come on Robert, we remember the jailbird drug addict you used to be.

Let me be the first to say Steve Martin isn't funny. Never was, never will be. If he gets out his freaking banjo I'll go smash my head with the front door against the door jamb until the piercing pain of banjo music goes away.

Oh Lord, I just saw Tim Robbins. Please say it isn't so. If I'm still, maybe he'll go away.

Hey! There's Jeff Lebowski! Jeff Bridges is being honored for Crazy Heart. Wow. He seems so normal. He seems like the one guy in the room you'd like to shoot pool or go fishing with. Others, like George Clooney, Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller and a number of others, you'd just like to kick in the teeth. Who knows, maybe they're great guys in person, but the level of arrogance, entitlement, and self-absorption I perceive from them makes me think they're really tools.

Hey! Jeff Bridges just got the Best Actor Oscar! Wow. To win it instead of Clooney makes me feel even better about it.

Crazy-eyed Forrest Whittaker is finally wearing glasses as he speaks about Sandra Bullock. Good choice. Quit whispering dude, I'm feeling a strange stirring in my loins.

I have a great idea! As the millionaires file out, have them all give half a million to Haiti Relief, and another half mill to the USO. That way the Hollywood hypocrites that did the Haiti relief telethon and those that refuse to go over and thank the troops can do their part, even if, for them, it's like throwing pennies to the peasants. Speilberg manning a phone...how stupid was that? Stiller's on-stage rant at the telethon was almost as idiotic as his dressing-up as an avatar to present an Oscar. Almost.

I think Sean Penn had a few cocktails. Uh, uh, uh, aren't actors paid to speak? Hey Spicoli, suits come from Brooks Brothers, not Blues Brothers. Add him to my list of people I want to kick in the teeth. Mr. anger management's next performance will be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. How did he carry a gun through New Orleans after Katrina and not get in trouble?

Jesse James cleans-up really nicely. I bet it's his wife's influence.

Barbara Streisand just had to say "well, the time has come" for the first woman to win Best director. Guess what...she set feminism back a couple notches by saying that. It's just like saying "you're just as good as a man," which presupposes the issue. If she didn't say that, the playing field would have been among directors, not directors, a black director, and a female director. Stupid Barbara.

Hey, the female director just thanked the troops. Excellent.

Hurt Locker wins Best Picture over Avatar! There really are people there somewhere with some sense. A story about soldiers doing life-and-death work over a cartoon and a stupid George Clooney movie (among others). Excellent. Wow, Ms. Female director just thanked the soldiers again, and also hazmat and emergency workers. I think the influence may be hers. Now that's leveling the playing field.

March 4, 2010

Wave hits cruise ship proving even the ocean hates the French!

"Louis" cruise lines? Really? Can we be more cliche? Why not Pierre Cruise Line or Jean Claude Cruises? Escargot Cruise Line? Hmm...1800 people piled into a big tin can eating goat cheese...no thanks.

This eliminates the possibility of "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir" becoming the motto of the cruise line, unless you want people to "sleep with the fishes" in the Godfather sense of the phrase.

I can see Cloris Leachman in the movie History of the World Part 1 saying "death to King Loooeeeeeeee."

Sacrebleu! Translation? What the F---...