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March 22, 2010

Four "Horse-persons" of the Apocalypse Bankrupt the US.

In late-night action, Dems gathered around their grand-dame, paying her much needed praise for finally getting off her ass and doing something since taking over Congress in 2006. Mere moments before she had to run back to her stand in the "notoriously corrupt politicians" section next to Bill Clinton at Madame Tussuad's wax museum, dems praised her for strong-arming them, belittling them, making completely un-veiled threats, and basically shined her wrinkly ass until she was sated. All the while, she stood nearby with a fake smile plastered on her cosmetically frozen face while making sure to avoid eye contact with anyone in the room. Turning her head to scan the room, a dull clicking noise could be heard along with a gutteral droning noise like Mongolian throat music. Luckily, before the wax melted into a nightmare-inducing brain-burning memory for those unfortunate enough to be watching the liberal circle-jerk, right before the assembled humanity gouged-out their own eyes, she mercifully departed.

Shortly after midnight, word came that before the government spends any more money it didn't have, our creditors (the Chinese) called and said they want their money first. In true form, democrats asked how they could be out of money if they still had blank checks in the checkbook? Steny Hoyer was heard to utter "you know when you say I'd gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today? Well, you never pay" as he giggled like a schoolgirl. At that point, the room resembled a herd of deer caught in the headlights and a collective, drawn-out "oh" was audible above the creaking of bones. The IQ level of those in attendance dropped an average of 10 points. Can you say "my name's Forrest Gump?"

During the back-slap butt-kiss Olympics witnessed after passage of the bill, not a single idiot (er, congressman) mentioned they did what they did for their constituents. It was absurdly amazing. They spoke of the "good-ole boy network" without using those words, fluffed each other publicly (well, except for Nancy. She's in her seventies and that's just gross, although she's probably better hung than the guys), and spoke of how "hard" other dems worked. All the while, they disregarded, or completely forgot they are elected representatives...apparently for a bunch of unfortunate peasants that didn't realizeb they were appointing royalty until Nancy said "let them eat cake."

Fornicate Gordon Gekko, greed is not good and this thing is going to hurt. I can only imagine what the stock market will do this week. The democratic plan looks like this:
- ignore job creation and extend unemployment benefits using money we don't have
- Let the Bush tax cuts expire in order to socialize our country, punish high earners, and redistribute wealth from the earners to the inherently lazy
- Take control of the banks
- Take control of the insurance companies
- Take control of the automakers
- Ignore the trade deficit because we're already bent over for the Chinese. Think of ways to take more money from Americans.
-Have liberal minions say "only a very small percentage of Americans will see a rise in insurance premiums," using the figure "1 in 5." Well, I know liberals hope we can't do our "cypherin," but 1 in 5 is 20%! Yep, a very small percentage indeed.
- Spend a trillion dollars on a stimulus plan that only stimulates the federal government. Why am i thinking of "fluffer-nutter?"
-Spend another trillion on health care. Write another check against an overdrawn account.

Yep, great plan. Should I burn down my house and move out of the country before the invading Chinese, the foreclosing feds, the IRS, the Orwellian thought police, ACORN, gun-control nuts or PETA come for me?

I know...if they do come for me, I can always call and get health insurance on the way to the hospital! After all, the axe in my forehead is a pre-existing condition and they don't matter any more! Oh, and using liberal logic, any injury after a car accident is pre-existing too so I guess I can cancel my car insurance now. Screw you Warren Buffet, save money on car insurance the old fashioned way...cancel it.

No more government cheese for anybody...

March 21, 2010

Hi. I'm Obama, your Cruise Director

I want to be President. All I have to do is convince people I should be President. That's it. I don't have to be able to do it, just entitled. If I can guilt people into voting for me, all the better. Imagine the guilt I can bring when re-election time comes.

Once elected, I stay on the campaign trail. Hey, it works for Obama, the "Campaigner in Chief." Either he can't find his office, is too scared to step into the big tent and piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs, or he just knows his gift of gab is his ticket to the "magic carpet ride" known as his presidency. To anyone who has ever seen the HBO series Band of Brothers, Mr. Obama is the Lieutenant Dyke of presidents.

I think Obama would make a good cruise director on a cruise ship. Hey, he gets paid to travel, talk-to and usher people around (read: community organizer), and seeing him in odd places like morning on the excursion boat or introducing La Cage aux Folles at midnight doesn't seem weird. There's no personal attribution given in any of his spoken words and to the majority of sunburned, straw-hat-wearing, got my socks on with my sandals clueless Americans who naturally gravitate to the cruise director to find out what they should do next, he has a purpose. At the end of the day, he gets to usher you back aboard even if you're not ready to go, charges you an unexpected re-entry "tax" to get back on the boat (nothing more than asset redistribution kickbacks called "tips" for the crew), and gets to blame the whole thing on the needs and policies of "the ship." When absolutely necessary, he's around. Most other times, he's a ghost. He has no real responsibility for the operation of the ship or the success of the cruise line in general and doesn't want any, but has a title that creates the appearance of responsibility, authority, experience, and expertise...be it ever-so the paper tiger.

Wait! Without the part about having a purpose, the last paragraph actually sounds like Obama's current job. The most traveled President in history; no big surprise. Refer back to paragraph 2.

Hi! Welcome to the Fantasy of the Seas. I'm Barry, your Cruise Director.

World declares Americans totally clueless!

On a day-to-day basis, I put up with a host of stupid shit. From political correctness, the demise of dignity and honesty, the furtherance of the welfare state, silly drivers, testosterone-laden asswipes, devious politicians and lawyers, no corn in the commissary, no place to get a decent sandwich in this one-horse town (I'm not in Naples), no broccoli rabe in the Kroger, nothing good on TV and on and on, not to mention separation from my wife and kids because of work. Well, I mentioned it after all.

All this fades in comparison (for the next two minutes) to our country's mamby-pamby, touchy-feely insistence on lying to each other, mollycoddling each other, convincing each other that Americans have some sort of entitlement and guarding people from what they really need most...a wake-up call!!! Now people are upset that if they go into the Obama real-estate welfare bail-out program, their credit scores drop so it hurts them in trying to get loans, credit cards, etc.

What the F--K? Are you serious? Do you realize what you're saying?

REALITY CHECK: You're saying now that you're getting bailed-out by the government because you can't pay your home loan, you're mad because you can't...get another loan? Really? What the news is saying is it's bad that people who can't afford their houses can't sign up for more loans they can't afford to stack on top of the home loan they can't afford. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!! What friggin planet are you people on?

Oh, I forgot the mantra of the PC America..."we have a right to this" and "we have a right to that." Blah blah blah. I say exercise your right to remain silent, you freakin morons. Your right to force the government to skim money from the people who actually pay their bills and give to the dipshits that don't infringes on my rights and pushes a far too intrusive government even further into my life.

All this smacks of ignorance and greed. Ignorance as to how to manage your money, ignorance in not understanding the type of financial product you're buying, and ignorance in becoming far too leveraged (definition for the ignorant is you bought too much shit on credit, don't own your house or car, spend too much, and don't have any money in the mattress in case something bad happens. Everything that comes in goes back out). Greed comes in because Americans feel they're entitled to have everything they want no matter if they can afford it. They buy six-bedroom houses when they don't even have any kids, finance more than one vehicle per family, have an average of SIX credit cards (definition for the ignorant is you bought more shit than you can pay for because you're greedy). An average of six cards; think about that. Our education system must be producing masses of mindless drones that know absolutely dick about how to manage their money but fall easy prey to marketing...convinced they need every damned thing someone says they do.

I should really be able to beeyatch-slap people back into reality. It pisses me off that some of us have to carry the weight for ourselves and those that can't carry their own. Is it fair that people should be forced by the government to do that?
I say if you have a house you can't afford, a boat in the driveway on a loan you don't need next to the motorcycle you have on a loan sitting next to the jet-ski, two cars on loans (one with $2500 rims), six credit cards near their max limit, 57" flat-screen TV's and a garage filled to capacity with stuff you don't use, no money for a rainy day, no solid college fund for your kids and you're talking about how bad you need to put in a pool, all the while your gluttonous ass has gotten so fat a family of pygmies could live inside your butt-cheeks, I should be able to slap the piss out of you.

...but wait. I forgot...you're entitled to be a jackass. Just don't crap on old Brainclogger.

March 11, 2010

Mexican becomes richest man in world. Subsequently erects border fence!

In a bizarre twist on isolationism, Mexican Carlos Slim, the richest man in the world (including the King of Bahrain and his solid silver car and 224-room house) threw up a border fence to keep more Americans from emigrating to his country. When asked for comment, he said "those damned gringos are becoming a strain on my country. There's no money here, why do they keep coming?" When asked if his riches would slow the flight of his countrymen to the "Great Satan" United States, he revealed his border fence will be like a raccoon trap...you can go through one way, but not come back out. Pressed for a reason why he would favor a fence that Mexicans can go through but not come back, he said "I have a G-5, what do I care? Besides, they'll get free health care there, so more money for me!"

Meanwhile, at his smallish 150 million-dollar home in Seattle, Bill Gates commented that Slim wouldn't be the richest man in the world if he indeed had to manufacture a product, saying "if I could just get those darned Malaysian kids to stop sleeping so much, we could get more work done. Two hours is good enough for any eight year-old."

Not to be outdone, after feeling a bit insecure, Warren Buffet sent an order to Boeing for a new 747 to add to his collection of private aircraft. His new mantra is apparently "my bizjet is bigger than his bizjet."

Cory Haim was enabled all the way into the ground.

What the f---k is an "addictionologist?" Whay are people in Hollywood of the opinion that doing less drugs is a sign of recovery? Drugs are drugs, and you're either addicted, or you're not.

He was an addict in a downward spiral, and it doesn't take a genius to know that.

He was a washed-up child star, and no one in Hollywood had the guts or love for him to teach that to him. Look aat the record:
-Danny Bonaduce- addiction problem, coping problem, other issues
-Andrew Koenig- What more can I say?
-Gary Coleman- should have quit after Different Strokes ended.
-Todd Bridges- same.
-Willy Ames- after washing up, he had money issues, became a minister, failed at that, and now is a registered financial advisor! How ironic.
-Tracy Gold- I don't even want to go there.
-River Phoenix- room temperature
-Lindsay Lohan- not going there either.
-Lisa Bonet- into obscurity
-McCaulay Culkin- What drug are you on today there, dude?
-Robert Blake- he was cool as Mickey, and good as Beretta, but should have quit when he was ahead
-Haley Joel Osment- until you stop seeing dead people, no driver's license for you
-Dana Plato- room temperature
-Dustin Diamond- convinced Screech was cool. Tricked into believeing it. Failed as a porn actor

Actually, the list is so entertaining, the link above goes to a website that gives an update on all the child stars.

Needless to say, no one told Cory Haim he needed to try college, the service, a supporting job, or even a spot on Dr. Drew.

Fairwell Bro, your so-called "friends" failed you.

Straight students denied their rights by Lesbian

ACLU...if i had a dime for every time they fell into the wrong side of an argument. What civil liberties are there for all the other kids in that school now? They're at the mercy of the gay agenda and the ACLU's anti-American activities. That's right, they're discriminating against all the other kids because they're NOT gay.

The girl wants to wear a tuxedo to the prom. That's great, a cross-dressing lesbian wants to bring her lesbian lover to the prom. Does one lesbian AWLAYS have to be the dude? Why do they assume male sex roles if they are female? What's next? Male gay students wanting to wear dresses to the Prom? Who is Prom "Queen" at that point? I guess it's automatic when a cross-dressing transvestite dude walks into the Prom.

Now this girl will have the rest of her life to deal with everyone else in her class she denied the high school ritual of Prom. Will the ACLU be with her for the rest of her life as she deals with that load of resentlment and anger? Probably not. Her parents will now get as much negativity as she does, and they probably deserve it. They failed to teach her that her activities may lead to discrimination against all the other kids, and obviously never heard "what's good for the many outweighs the needs of the one." Her parents should have told her that college is the place to press your cause, not in some Mississippi high school.

Will she pay the ACLU legal fees? Now the taxpayers of her town will have to fork over the dough for the defense, so she'll probably piss-off the entire town. Good going.

Forcing political correctness on people never works, but the ACLU will never understand that.

March 7, 2010

Oscars Utter Failure! Actors commit mass suicide!

Well, not really, but after watching all the self-indulgent,hero-worshipping horseshit for the few minutes I could stand, I felt like beating myself to death with the copy of Syriana I somehow have in my DVD collection.

They made it racist. Yep, they asked if the first African American would win a best Oscar of some type, I was paying more attention at that point to cleaning between my toes.

So they're giving awards to a computer-generated movie, eh? What's next...and the Oscar goes to Bugs Bunny? Avatar, for all it's grandeur, is a cartoon. A guy gets a cinematographer award for directing a cartoon? Lovely.

Somewhere, a soldier guarantees those "celebrities," the "beautiful people," their right to be pretentious blowhards. Are any of the actors thanking them? Only the guy that spent a year in Iraq before making The Hurt Locker.

Somewhere, a soldier is facing more fear and danger than any of those people ever will. Somewhere, a soldier is laying his life on the line...for them, and very few appreciate it. Sure, Brad Pitt made a military movie, but has he been to Iraq to see the troops? Tarantino makes a war movie, but has he been over yet? Hey Quentin, how did you get that new chin? You look so much like Jay Leno it's weird.

Keanu Reeves just called war an "alluring narcotic." What the f--k are you talking about? First off there, Neo, what do you know about it? Nothing. Okay Ted, put-up or shut-up. Go over and say thanks to the soldiers that protect you. Didn't bother shaving for the awards, eh? Nice. You looked like crap. Good choice.

Interesting to see the aging progeny of John Hughes. John Cryer and Anthony Michael Hall looked great. Molly Ringwald looked pretty good, but McCauley Culkin needs a bath and it looked like Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy shared some crystal meth before the show. Bender looks like he's been on a...well...bender. Ally looked like a tweaker as she invoked Peter Pan in some off-the-hip tribute to someone she should have thought harder for. Where was Rob Lowe or Andrew McCarthy? Were Robert Downey Junior in his oh-so-stylish blue shades, and Demi Moore (not Di-mee) too good to wander over and stand next to their fellow John Hughes actors? Come on Robert, we remember the jailbird drug addict you used to be.

Let me be the first to say Steve Martin isn't funny. Never was, never will be. If he gets out his freaking banjo I'll go smash my head with the front door against the door jamb until the piercing pain of banjo music goes away.

Oh Lord, I just saw Tim Robbins. Please say it isn't so. If I'm still, maybe he'll go away.

Hey! There's Jeff Lebowski! Jeff Bridges is being honored for Crazy Heart. Wow. He seems so normal. He seems like the one guy in the room you'd like to shoot pool or go fishing with. Others, like George Clooney, Tim Robbins, Ben Stiller and a number of others, you'd just like to kick in the teeth. Who knows, maybe they're great guys in person, but the level of arrogance, entitlement, and self-absorption I perceive from them makes me think they're really tools.

Hey! Jeff Bridges just got the Best Actor Oscar! Wow. To win it instead of Clooney makes me feel even better about it.

Crazy-eyed Forrest Whittaker is finally wearing glasses as he speaks about Sandra Bullock. Good choice. Quit whispering dude, I'm feeling a strange stirring in my loins.

I have a great idea! As the millionaires file out, have them all give half a million to Haiti Relief, and another half mill to the USO. That way the Hollywood hypocrites that did the Haiti relief telethon and those that refuse to go over and thank the troops can do their part, even if, for them, it's like throwing pennies to the peasants. Speilberg manning a phone...how stupid was that? Stiller's on-stage rant at the telethon was almost as idiotic as his dressing-up as an avatar to present an Oscar. Almost.

I think Sean Penn had a few cocktails. Uh, uh, uh, aren't actors paid to speak? Hey Spicoli, suits come from Brooks Brothers, not Blues Brothers. Add him to my list of people I want to kick in the teeth. Mr. anger management's next performance will be on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. How did he carry a gun through New Orleans after Katrina and not get in trouble?

Jesse James cleans-up really nicely. I bet it's his wife's influence.

Barbara Streisand just had to say "well, the time has come" for the first woman to win Best director. Guess what...she set feminism back a couple notches by saying that. It's just like saying "you're just as good as a man," which presupposes the issue. If she didn't say that, the playing field would have been among directors, not directors, a black director, and a female director. Stupid Barbara.

Hey, the female director just thanked the troops. Excellent.

Hurt Locker wins Best Picture over Avatar! There really are people there somewhere with some sense. A story about soldiers doing life-and-death work over a cartoon and a stupid George Clooney movie (among others). Excellent. Wow, Ms. Female director just thanked the soldiers again, and also hazmat and emergency workers. I think the influence may be hers. Now that's leveling the playing field.

March 4, 2010

Wave hits cruise ship proving even the ocean hates the French!

"Louis" cruise lines? Really? Can we be more cliche? Why not Pierre Cruise Line or Jean Claude Cruises? Escargot Cruise Line? Hmm...1800 people piled into a big tin can eating goat cheese...no thanks.

This eliminates the possibility of "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir" becoming the motto of the cruise line, unless you want people to "sleep with the fishes" in the Godfather sense of the phrase.

I can see Cloris Leachman in the movie History of the World Part 1 saying "death to King Loooeeeeeeee."

Sacrebleu! Translation? What the F---...

March 2, 2010

Call it "Dancing with the Has-been's, Wanna-be's, and Infamous."

Calling it "Dancing with the Stars" is becoming a bigger and bigger stretch every time.

Kate Gosselin? What in the world makes her a "star?" Is it because she can't take care of her children in private? Can't hold onto a man? Needs attention in order to survive? Or is it Hollywood's distorted vision of what makes someone a "star?"

Shannon Dougherty? Does bad behavior and a flagging career suddenly make you a "Star?" I think it's because they hope she mouths-off and gives the show some controversy. Maybe call it "Dancing with the Inappropriate."

Chad Ochocinco? This is a guy that doesn't even know who he is, yet is somehow labeled a "star"

Who's next? Heidi Fleiss? Richard Grieco? Deion Sanders? Why not "Dancing with the ex-cons?" Put Gary Busey on the show. Now there's some controversy. Paris Hilton and Nick Nolte too. Why not O.J.?

Hey, Octomom's a "Star." Why not Octomom and Ochocinco? There's an odd-couple that would draw some unnecessary attention.

How about "Dancing with the ex-cast of Baywatch?" They could do it in the red swimsuits and we can all see if Hasselhoff can stay sober long enough to samba!

How about "Dancing with the old cast of Star Trek versus the less-old cast of Star Trek? In the end, Shatner could duke-it-out with Patrick Stewart for who was the better captain. Maybe battle of the old Battlestar Galactica versus new Battlestar Galactica?

Why not hold the event in Haiti? Give the people there a distraction. Problem is, even Haitians would stand there and say "look at this stupid shit."

How about "Dancing with the Politically Correct Stars?" You could have Rosie stomp her hoofs around the dance floor with Janine Garofalo and Perez Hilton dance with whatever gay guy he chooses. Now there's some entertainment.

I'd like "Dancing with the Most Screwed-up Ex-Child Star!" Mandatory drug tests are now required...

I know, let's skip the whole thing and put something on TV that's not sheer silliness. Tell Gosselin, Ochocinco, and Dougherty to go away, their 15-minutes are over. Better yet, change the name so we can finally take the title "Biggest Loser" literally.

February 27, 2010

Bill Clinton surprised to find he shares Antichrist role...with his wife!

Mere days before Bill was to visit Haiti ...boom!!! ...Earthquake!

Fast-forward to today, mere days before Hillary is to be in Chile ...Boom!!! ...Earthquake!

What gives? Is the earth itself trying to tell us something? Is Slick Willy's heart condition forcing him to slide toward Gomorrah faster than he thought and his demon status is transferring to his main-squeeze? Hmmm....

Mr. Clinton seems to be a bit of a sad guy. I say what with "little Bill" getting little use since he left the White House, the effects from all his medications, a home life I can imagine makes eating glass preferable, and the cumulative effects of all of that thrown atop the skewed world view, despicable philosophy and characteristic self-loathing of all liberals, you gotta give him the benefit of the doubt...maybe cut him some slack.

I look at Bill and suddenly hear the Soggy Bottom Boys singing "I'm a Man of Constant Sorrow." Ironically, if you go to You-Tube, the song is lip-synched by that leftist knucklehead George Clooney.

After two earthquakes, two political careers, and judging by recent photos two cases of constipation, I say now we have solid proof Bill is Hillary and Hillary is Bill..."Billary," it seems.

I bet when Al Gore comes over the house they greet him wearing robes and Carnival masks and holding paddles. I bet all the furniture is screwed to the floor and the housekeepers slip them sedatives in order to reduce the chances of an earthquake on Long Island.

Nostradamus said there would be three Antichrists and we've only seen two. He never said it had to be a dude. He said a "man" will rise to power by sheer force of personality alone and...wait...hold it...we have to look into Obama a bit more.

Nevertheless, you can't help but wonder about two scheduled visits, and two earthquakes. For the love of Pete! Please don't go to Jersey! No visits to Panama either...that's definitely out of the question. Ever since Carter, they don't like liberals anyway...

Dont buy anything from this spamming jackass!

Every day, they spam my blog, and do it to old entries in order to keep on doing it.

http://www.male-sexual.com/vimax-pills.html

Don't buy anything from them.

By the way Dr. Pecker Checker, I don't need any of that crap you're peddling.

February 26, 2010

Bye Bye Boner

Dude, you shouldn't have done it. Ending your life doesn't fix the problem, it just transfers the hurt to your family and friends. It's s selfish act and something you shouldn't have done.

For anyone else thinking suicide is the answer, it sounds trifling, but remember what the reggae singer Shaggy said; "no matter how you're sad and blue, there's always someone that has it worse than you."

Why child actors think they're life is over if they aren't actors as adults is beyond me. Nothing lasts forever.

You know, I could really go crazy with the puns and sarcasm right now, but I won't. Andrew Koenig killed himself and that's just sad. I'll tear someone else up later.

Obamacare Ponzi Scheme makes Madoff Blush. How to really do it.

The "health care summit" looked to me like a bunch of frogs trying to fornicate a football. Down the rabbit hole they're in, no one has the presence of mind to realize what they're trying to do.

Democrats talk of "premium discrimination" and elimination of pre-existing conditions. Non-starter. If you treat a healthy, athletic 21 year-old kid the same as a 55 year old man with diabetes and three prior heart attacks, the system will be unsustainable.

By treating all people alike and disregarding pre-existing conditions, you eliminate the risk rating that lies at the heart of all insurance, and you tell people that for every dollar they put in, they're guaranteed to receive multiples of that dollar in benefits, thus the ponzi scheme.

Here's the fix:
-assign each person risk based on their health. This would require a preventive maintenance health checkup. At that time, you establish a preventative program. Hey, and ounce of prevention, right?
-place high-risk people in a high-risk pool in order to spread the risk among a mass group, thus lowering the premium for all in the group. The lower the risk, the lower the cost. THAT'S FAIR.
-Require the high-risk group to practice preventative measures like exercise, weight loss, etc. They give some effort toward the program that covers them. THAT'S FAIR.
-Reduce or eliminate the waste, fraud, and abuse in Medicare and Medicaid. Use the recovered money to pay for those unable to pay for their insurance. It's still taking money from Peter to pay for Paul, but much more palatable because of the trade off. Funny how we never expect the government to run a program free of waste, fraud, and abuse.
-establish a baseline medical benefit used as a COBRA for people on unemployment.
-require welfare recipients and those who simply refuse to work to perform some sort of labor for their medical benefit. Consider it community service.
-If a state establishes a better system, allow them to opt-out of the federal system.
-make insurance portability a law.
-eliminate medical conditions discovered at birth being considered pre-existing.
-establish a grace period for people to try and get into a lower risk group. For example, if someone is diabetic because of their weight, allow them time to drop weight. If they don't do it, then they go into the higher group. Put the responsibility on the citizen. THAT'S FAIR.
-Lay off union health care plans. If a union member pays for something, they should get it. If the unions can negotiate better plans than the government, don't penalize them. (Unbelievable I said that since I don't like unions)
-extend scholarships to more medical students and put them to work in the system after graduation. Same for nurses. The whole system will fail if they're aren't enough medical professionals.
-tort reform
-take the insurance company lobbyists out of DC and throw them in the Potomac.

The other option to these ideas is ask Bernie Madoff how to do it. You know what he'll say...

Canadian Hockey team has mass sex-change

First of all, do we really want women's ice hockey? I know I don't. I'm a firm believer that men's sports are for men, and women's sports are for women. Sorry, I'm a sloped-forehead, knuckle-dragging Philistine that believes chivalry isn't dead...but dying under the feminist agenda.

After that, do we really want them swilling beer and smoking cigars after beating the American team? Did they grab their crotches and spit like baseball players too? Did they pull out their false teeth and sneer at the cameras? Did anyone say "wow, this athletic supporter's really irritating me?" Were they farting and belching too? Did anyone sing "Oh Canada" in one continuous belch?

What of the girls under-age drinking on the ice? Boo I say, Boo. Who's idea was that?

The human drama of athletic competition...and women acting like men. The two are not compatible no matter how good the cigars were. Did they say to each other "take off" and "eh" repetitively in some sort of Strange Brew tribute?

Next thing you'll see is the female remake of Slap Shot. Wait! We already did. I say no to the Hanson sisters.

February 24, 2010

Never underestimate the power of "oops!"

Dude in his disturbing orange body suit and helmet skates in the wrong lane and loses Gold! He listened to the coach! What's a coach to do? Say "oops."

Told him to change lanes and shouldn't have? Oops!

Didn't count the laps and lane changes for your guy? You know, the one they compare to Michael Phelps in his sport and considered best in the world? Oops!

Didn't pay close-enough attention during the most important day in your racer's life, and probably yours? Oops!

Made your guy hysterical and absolutely inconsolable? Oops!

Made people wonder if you can count? Oops!

Probably going to have a negative encounter with his parents and your own Olympic committee? Oops!

I was channel-surfing at the time and magically caught the race. I don't even like speed skating, so what do I say? Oops.

Killer Whale kills...how ironic.

Yes, a trainer was killed by a Killer whale who killed her when she fell into the killer's jail-cell of a tank. It's a type of captivity that's the whale equivalent of being locked-up on Alcatraz...or the moon.

Was it one of the many Killer Whales so fond of swimming near Central Florida, or is it captive and it attacked one of its captors? Tormentors? Jailors?Here, we sentence you to live in this little tank instead of roaming the oceans and for your further insult, we'll make you perform for your captors like a trained, uh, well, whale.

What are we thinking? Why not train a shark? Train a badger! A hyena. How about a hive of Killer Bees? Was the word "killer" lost on you? Yes, Killer Whales are called Killer Whales for a reason. They're not cuddly-wuddly cutie-pie whales.

Trainers say they work tirelessly on their communication skills with the whales. What? Unless you're making high-pitched clicking and squeaking noises, making sounds pass through your skull and getting an answer, you're like a monkey scratching your ass in a tree! Why people think they can train WILD animals is beyond me. A tiger mauls Roy and everyone is shocked? Not me. I was the "told you so" guy. There's a reason why you don't mess with them.

Does anybody remember that Orca's are migratory and social species, traveling in groups called "pods?" What we've done is separate this marine mammal from his environment, isolated him from interaction with other whales, forced him to act abnormally by being alone and not roaming the ocean, prescribed what it eats and when, and we expect these beasts to be friendly, happy, circus-freaks. It's solitary confinement with forced labor!!! How would you like it? Here you are, Mr. Twelve-thousand-pound animal, have a couple little fish and show me a trick. Wrong answer. You can tell it doesn't get enough to eat because if it did, it wouldn't perform.

Until we "Free Willy," I say make all their trainers and the Sea World people live in solitary confinement and let them see how they like it. I say they don't have to "train" a whale to do what a whale does...they "train" it to do what humans want it to do. If it had a vote, I bet it would say it wants to be free. LET IT GO!

February 22, 2010

Whatever happened to "Celebrity Fight Club?"

Remember that show? An animated comedy program where celebrities meet each other in the ring?

With the rising popularity of mixed-martial arts, the Ultimate Fighting Championships and World Extreme Cage fighting, I think they need to bring it back, but make it real this time.

Wouldn't you love to see Eastwood put George Clooney in a choke hold? Vin Diesel ground-and-pound Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, or Ben Affleck? How about Ryan Reynolds lay the smackdown on Kal Penn? Come-on, you know you'd like to see that. How about Denis Leary in a match with Jon Bon Jovi?

I'd like to see the "battle of the Matthew's." McConaughey versus Damon versus Dillon versus Modine versus Broderick...all at once.

How about Brad Pitt putting the Moi-Tai death grip on Jack Black? Reaching back to yesteryear, Robert Downey Jr. versus Andrew McCarthy, Matthew Broderick versus Jon Cryer, and the ultimate in getting even, Emilio Estevez against his brother Charlie Sheen. It would be great!

How about Patrick Dempsey against Rob Lowe? C. Thomas Howell against anyone he chooses? Paybacks are a bitch! Judge Reinhold against Judd Nelson with Molly Ringwald as the girl holding the cards for each round!

What about battle of the pretty boys? Keanu versus Johnny Depp? Even better, has-been Richard Grieco against Depp in a grudge match! I'm not talking slap-stick Three Stooges-style action, but inside the octagon throwing down! Nick Nolte versus Gary Busey! Now there's a freak show! Mel Gibson versus Kevin Costner.

Wouldn't it be nice to see Vince Neil get some payback? Joe Perry finally slap-down Steven Tyler? You know he wants to. I got it! Sting versus Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland! Justin Timberlake against the rest of his old boy-band.

David Caruso against Jimmy Smits! Yep, revenge for NYPD Blue. Come on, let's get creative. Has-been Hasselhoff against has-been David Chokachi. Mark Wahlberg against his brother...hey, Band of Brothers doesn't make up for being a Backstreet Boy.

Bill Maher versus Glenn Beck?

Tell me who you'd like to see.

Get me a rolled-up newspaper!

Politicians aren't listening again. It seems Willy Wonka is their most cherished philosopher..."a little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men." Only problem is the nonsense is nonstop.

Little children get a mild-mannered, unnaturally high pitched "no no no." Older kids get a stern talking to, a spank on the butt, a time-out, stand in the corner, the rack, a taste of soap, or whatever appropriate measure. (I bet the rack startled you). Don't obey the speed limit, get a ticket. Run a toll booth, get a ticket. Don't pay your bills...say goodbye to your credit, pay more in fees, have the house taken away, or go to jail. Hear "yes" when a woman says "no," and it's straight to the pokey with you. If you have a dog that keeps peeing on the floor, a rolled-up newspaper gets their attention. If you're an uppity horse you get the "switch," a device that clamps down on their lower lip and low-and-behold, instant compliance.

Soldiers get sent on rucksack marches, sailors stand extra watches, Marines sweat it out on the "quarterdeck," and zoomies in the Air Force have their golf game cut to only nine holes. It's about consequences and paying a penalty for not listening.

Politicians on the other hand, publicly brag about receiving bribes (Mary Landreu), getting special favors and payola (Nelson), have their PAC's and rich families pay their way into office (Pelosi, Kerry, Patrick Kennedy), put communists and former terrorists on their staff and swear up and down they'll cut-out every earmark and pork project while doing the exact opposite (Obama), give away American property, endanger our sovereignty, leave entire nations in ruins and yet still receive praise (Carter), receive sexual favors and start a new line of "special" cigars and remain in office (Clinton), trade her dignity for a political position (another Clinton), bitch about the environment while being the biggest polluter and energy user in the known universe (Gore), and now, they concentrate on what they consider necessary for political advantage in DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO THE NEEDS AND DESIRES OF THE PEOPLE. Like Thomas Jefferson said, "democracy is sometimes where 51% of the people deny the rights of the other 49."

A poll came out recently asking if those that currently govern have the consent of those governed, and the results were horrible. It's clear that partisan cronyism is more important than the needs of the people. What was it Mr. Spock said? "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one?" Politicians should watch more Star Trek and less American Idol.

Can I borrow Teddy Roosevelt's "big stick" for a moment? Hand me the switch...these bastards just aren't hearing me. It seems the beltway is like a force field shielding politicians from seeing what's going on beyond it's boundary. It's no use for them to go home either since they return to their "compounds" and other such isolated places.

Hand me that jug of Gatorade! Like a reversal of what happens at the end of a game, we'll throw the icy beverage over the losers in government! If any of them ever came to my house, they'll get the garden hose. I'd use a rolled-up newspaper, but seeing how most of the papers are liberal rags, the politicians would probably enjoy it. Maybe I'll use the Onion.

How about a rolled-up copy of the Constitution?

February 21, 2010

Danica bites the dust...boo hoo, no film at eleven

So Jay, you say everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens in the Danica Patrick experiment? I have news for you buddy...I absolutely don't give a shit. In fact, if there was something greater than not giving a shit, it would be that.

Political correctness runs amok in NASCAR! Looky looky, there's a female racer so let's give her all the attention and every bit of slack, albeit it however deserved...or not. I say let her stand on her own two feet, stop mollycoddling her, and if she decides one day that being a short-term NASCAR tourist isn't so vogue and she wants to take it seriously, then give her some attention.

Hey wow! More NASCAR metaphors for being a leftist, just like my last entry! They prop-up someone who doesn't have the chops to make it on their own, adorn them with phony praise and unnecessary worship, speak of how this is the "new face" of NASCAR, and when the driver disappoints, make excuses for her, give her a pass out the door, and claim she was only a part-timer at it. In the end, it's a nice "experiment," and all the personality cult around her will say how gallant and noble she is, how she tried so hard, and how she was at some sort of disadvantage from the start. Like Jack Sparrow said, "utterly ridiculous twoddle-speak says I."

All I see is a woman not winning over men and throwing a hissy-fit. It's not a show of sportsmanship, but rather a display of temper and ego worthy of NASCAR. Ran off to the trailer did you? I know, like in other man-versus-woman endeavors, let's give the men a handicap. Better yet, let's have an all-woman NASCAR league! We can't have men's only basketball, mixed martial arts, lumberjack sports, surfing, fishing, golf, colleges, military schools, clubs, boxing, soccer, or anything else for that matter, so what say you? Hey, after all, nothing I like better than seeing tattooed, sneering women in the ring smashing each other in the face, choking the life out of each other, pulling off their shirts after scoring a goal, and out-and-out being ignored on the basketball court. Not. Was I inspired by the fact Muhammad Ali's daughter took-up the family business? Not at all.

Well, sometimes I watch the WNBA (ironically the acronym isn't in my spellchecker)out of morbid curiosity with maybe I'll be watching the trumped-up, artificially hyped show when it breathes its last breath. It's also heartening to see women dressed like men playing a sport for men only turned into a women's sport out of political correctness. Do you think they wear jock straps? Interesting when you see tattoos of women...on women. Are you thinking I'm Mr. "wipe the chicken-wing sauce from my face and smack the Hooter-girl's butt while I watch the WWE Divas on TV?" Nope, I'm definitely not that guy. In fact, I'm pro-female, much more so than lesbian leftist pseudo-feminists like Rosie or Janine. I believe women have rights that feminists actually deny.

Tell you what...if Danica ever comes on the metro train when I'm there or is behind me walking up to a door, she better not pull a hissy fit if I offer her my seat or open the door for her. I do that for women, so don't hurt me. It's a gentlemanly thing to do...I'm not threatening you.

The curse of counter-clockwise

I think NASCAR is a giant metaphor for leftist liberals in government. Go fast, turn left, don't see anything other than what's happening around you, consider yourself the center of attention, make people come to you, follow all your other leftist buddies, make it an exclusive club only people like you can get into, chase the racer in front of you even if he is running near dead-last; keep turning left and never, ever even consider going right, set-up your car and the entire venue around the track to focus on the left; then make token appearances to the bourgeoisie rabble riff-raff so they can praise you and you can feel you're giving back...be it however self serving. In the end, orchestrate the nepotism necessary to put one of your relatives in your car thus establishing the "dynasty."

It's a system, with each element centered around the art of going left, just like other track-related activities like the pit, the metaphor for being out of office. Once there, you turn left and wait until you get another chance to go back out and turn left again. To be truly fair, I think NASCAR races should do one half of the race turning left, and the other turning right. Shake up the system, see a different perspective, and eliminate the leftist juggernaut by evening-out the playing field. Hey, if you're the best going left, let's see if you're the best going right.

One aspect of NASCAR should bother liberals...the idea that the fastest qualifier gets to be in front. Libs can't handle that, instead favoring the time-dishonored tradition of the leader being the crafty old lefty that filled a seat the longest or supports the leftist cause most vehemently. Winning the pole position is probably the singular conservative idea in the leftist world of racing. The cars are required to be the same (bordering on communism), the winner is required to perform some act like drink milk in the winner's circle (the area where the winner is required to report in order to receive praise by other lefties, just like Hollywood leftists at the Oscars), and the "governing body" proclaims and enforces the self-serving rules as they see fit.

One issue that on the surface should bother liberals is really supported by them, and that is the idea of corporate sponsorship. While on the surface they preach everything is even-Steven and all would be status quo if each car was painted flat black with no decals or sponsor names, behind the scenes their secret and sometimes dirty-dealings with those having a keen interest in racing (read PAC) is what really drives the train and decides what is in the best interest of the "sport." This lining of the pockets is unfortunately what the whole show is really about...cold-hard-cash, control, and furthering the leftist cause. Part of the money is even spent on convincing people coming to see the show that the whole thing is really about them. Here, wear this shirt, put this sticker on your own car (thus putting your position on the vehicle you paid for), and cheer for me (sounds like an election to me).

Yes, the curse of counter-clockwise is alive and well. Culturally, try to shake some one's hand with the left and you're bound to hear "wrong-hand." Some cultures call the left the "dirty hand," avoiding it entirely. Hey, ironic that our current president is left-handed!

Turn right, folks...turn right.