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February 13, 2010

The Hypocrits of Haitian Relief

Yep, Ben Stiller spent a bunch of time in Haiti. Yeah, yeah. He looked so clueless I almost felt bad for the guy. Madonna? Come on, if Madonna ever went there, she would have adopted some of them instead of searching the Congo for rental offspring. The "Billion-Dollar Man," Steven Speilberg "donated" time to ask ordinary Americans for $10 bucks a pop? Wow! Say it isn't so! Such a benevolent act...I think I'm about to vomit.

I think this goes back to my problem with "celebrities," and the f'd-up priorities people have around here. I can bet people made calls to the event for the sheer possibility of speaking to someone like Julia Roberts. If old Brainclogger called, he would have given the candy-ass, primadonna Hollywood types a tongue lashing about sticking their hands into their gold-lined pockets and kicking-in some of their own dough instead of being the hypocrites they are. I'd like to see a number of them thrown into the octagon with Kimbo and Silva! If they can reach into their wallets before they succumb to the rear naked choke, they only have to donate half the required amount.

You could tell some of the performers only did it to get a chance to be seen on TV, as a couple of the songs may not have been appropriate to the event. Also funny how the 20-million-per-picture crowd sat quietly answering the phone. In the end, the event raised $64 million. If a few of the A-list made a decent contribution they could have done that on their own...but they didn't. Well, reportedly Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie forked over seven figures with no fanfare, proving some of them can actually count. However, that's a pittance to them and they know it. Don't even get me started on that bleeding-hearted hypocrit Springsteen. (Hey Bruce! As a side note, please don't send the Haitians any copies of Diesel and Dust...the last thing we need is a mass suicide)

Enough about this. Oh, and whatever my issue is with these hypocritical ass-wipes...Kid Rock was still cool.

Where are the "Quotation Marks?"

"Celebrity" Rehab. The word "celebrity" should have quotation marks, but it doesn't. Look at the "D" list "celebrities" they refer to on "Celebrity" Rehab, and quotes become even more justifiable. Dennis "pin-cushion" Rodman? Rodney King? Heidi "what the hell did I do to my lips" Fleiss? Bridget "rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" Nielsen? Wow! I guess the A-list celebrities either do better drugs, have better doctors, or pay their publicists enough to not sell their clients out to a tacky, pathetic, reality show about how screwed-up their gravy train is. Maybe that's a testament to the trustworthiness of people that represent "celebrities," or maybe an indication of the ridiculousness of the whole "celebrity" thing in the first place.

Who are we calling "celebrities" in this instance? Singers, actors, a former whore (come-on, "madam's" don't start out as madam's), models...basically people who wouldn't be missed if they just went away. In that world, there's someone ready at any time to take your place in the "celebrity" mill of Hollywood. So "starved" for attention, they'll take any sort of "interest" in them, even at their lowest point. Apparently they don't realize that after a life of "look at me, look at me," there comes a point when you really don't want someone to look.

Maybe the rehab show is made up by "higher profile" people as a deterrent in order to have something where they can look at a guy like Tom Sizemore and say "wow, poor bastard, better him than me." If you want people to say "wow, people that have so much money they can live in a "rehab center," looking either for pity or to squeeze the last bit of coin out of their fleeting "celebrity," ...you're doing a good job. I say "take a baseball bat to all of you." Fame, fortune, and a life of privilege, but with a mind too weak to handle it. Old Brainclogger would love to feel the need to "handle" having money and adoration thrown at him. I bet my "anger management" issues with "celebrity" losers would lighten-up a bit. Or maybe not.

I know! A show called "Celebrity Downward Spiral," where you chronicle a "celebrity's" self-destruction. Go all the way from where they soil themselves on whatever drug they feel is important enough to trade for their self respect, have all their expensive crap repossessed, find out who they thought of as a friend thought of them as a meal ticket, ending in a dramatic climax where your last performance would be "etched" into the minds of people...for at least for 30 seconds. Some ideas include: a leap from a bridge holding an anvil and dressed like Bugs Bunny;a swim with sharks with a dead seal tied to your leg;stepping into a cage full of starving Rottweilers with a raw t-bone tied around their neck;skydiving with golf umbrella as a parachute, trying to outrun an avalanche (quite the metaphor for a drug addiction), painting yourself as an American flag and streaking through the Haj; dressing as a terrorist and taking a dump on the hood of a car on the starting line of a NASCAR race while yelling "rednecks are all fags"; or getting caught in the rope on an episode of "Deadliest Catch?" Now that's "entertainment"---in quotation marks.

February 8, 2010

Want a book about...

...the fight between good and evil? Want to go along on an adventure with a team of soldiers that takes them to Panama, Cuba, Jamaica, Florida? Like to get to know two guys from Philadelphia, one an orphan and renowned ass-kicker, and his best friend from a good Italian family? Would you like some evil, corrupt types and some death and destruction? How about a real story of friendship? What about some quirky personality traits like using the names of songs in their regular speech, quoting works of literature and historic people, using every spare moment to go fishing and surfing, or in search of a great cup of coffee? Want to laugh and cry reading the same book and come away feeling the main characters are good guys with unique personalities and you can't wait to read the next in the series? Want this all in the same book?

You'll have to wait. Looks like I have to publish it myself.

Agents make me mad!!!

I'm not talking about doing things I feel ashamed about, or find pleasurable in guilty, behind closed-door ways. They make me mad because they force me to do something I despise, deplore, loathe, and out-and-out detest...they force me to try and sell, and both inevitably and unfortunately..to think like a salesman. It's called a "query letter," and I'd like to kill the next guy that offers me advice on how to write one.

In layman's terms, it sucks. I wrote a book recently. Probably not a great book. Hopefully, a marginally good yet entertaining work that someone, somewhere, someday might read on an airplane or spill beer on while sitting on the beach, or if you're like my dad, use for a coaster along with any other thing I may bring into the house, be it however important only to me...but I digress.

I want to write the next book, not put on my white shoes and play Death of a Salesman! I think it's safe to say, be it ever so bold, that agents now find themselves in the cottage industry of selling the "secrets to getting published," and have turned the publishing industry into a "make it big or not at all," bureaucratic freak show. Why not say "if you're not David Baldacci, then go away" on your agent information and be done with it?

I could be the next "somebody or other," and could have a series of books ready to go that can keep an agent making money for years, but without huckstering properly, no one will ever know. This book might make a great movie, but without spending the time learning how to sell it to someone whom obviously doesn't care and won't take the time to look past the first five pages, I'm just a guy with a year's worth of nights I could have spent doing something else!

I'm starting to wonder when the first person will use the term "how droll," or tell me I'm sophomoric, pedantic, or some other high-brow phrase rather than say "it's not for me" like the hundred+ agents have so far? Thanks for the form letter, automated response, don't call us-we'll call you crap sent by your starry-eyed little coed assistant. See the potential in someone based on an 88-word blurb. Yep, that makes sense. Next time you buy a car, don't even get in before you buy it. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to give someone money and they're telling me to pack it up my ass. No, it's not "chick-lit." No, it isn't a book about how great it is to be gay, or some young-adult teen beat bullcrap. Funny how agents choose books based on the needs of their portfolio and the current market trend as opposed to entertainment value, if the author has anything else planned, and if someone who isn't trying to get on Americal Idol would read it. Agents can be as much the impedement as they are the access to the process. After all, what the hell is commercial fiction really?

I'm starting to get mad, my brain is clogging. You see, I've read some real shit published by big publishing houses, and some real stinkers by people with big names, but little old Brainclogger can't catch a break! Oh, if you're an agent, why not review my blog to see if I have the creativity necessary to send you a query letter. I know! Why not just come over my house and kick me in the face.

January 29, 2009

First thing he does is help the Stinking lawyers!

Surprise Surprise...the first piece of legislation ever signed by our oh-so-historic new president is not only patronizing to women but a boon to lawyers. How shocking (sarcasm). We put a liberal lawyer in and the first thing he does is enable a new deluge of lawsuits...it figures. Then the two lead females, Miss Pants Suit and the Botox Queen are right there to gloat about women's rights and all the sour grapes Ms. Ledbetter spewed being squashed. Liberals absolutely detest the idea that women are nurturers and should be raising children and producing a quality American instead of letting day care do it. Sad sad sad.

December 17, 2008

Americans still don't get it...

Remember when I said people will pay $10 a gallon, they don't care? It's true. I walk to the metro every morning and look at the traffic on the street, and there's still only one person in every car. It's because of those people that gas prices will go back up. Vanity. Pride. Idiots. Brainclogger calls it like he sees it.

I wonder...

Why it is that most diabetics are also fat bastards. I know a guy that's a diabetic, and he's wheelchair bound. Yep, he's a fat bastard, but uses one hand for the wheelchair control and the other to stuff his craw. what's up with that? I have an answer to his issue...STOP EATING!

The NHL sucks too!

Who cares about Hockey? I mean really? For the Dallas Stars to fire a player just shows how PC they are. Hey, he gets you publicity. He makes people think about hockey. Players really are getting his "Sloppy Seconds" if the girls are going through the league like a fat kid through a bag of Oreos. Pull your dresses back down from over your heads. Yep, you too, Brett Hull. Your father should bitch slap you for being such a wuss.

The Saudi's Suck!

When will they learn? Hey, how many Saudi's does it take to hijack an airplane? All of them! Knuckleheads. For a Saudi to offer 10 million dollars for the shoe the guy threw at our president shows they still haven't learned. It also shows they have far too much money...our money. To call it the "Shoe of Dignity" shows how stupid they are! Hey! You rag-headed jackass, I have something for you! It's called the "Finger of Dignity!"

November 28, 2008

Dead Man Causes Stock Market Drop

Now this is pathetic. People so terrified of the economic news they panic and make it bad for the rest of us. People to stupid to understand a 1% loan is a fraud. People too greedy to realize they can't afford a 5-bedroom house but buy it anyway. People more concerned with American Idol than the fact there are Soldiers being killed for their dumb asses. People so consumed with greed, vanity, and pride that they storm into a Walmart and trample a store employee to death. Sad, sad, sad. No wonder why people hate Americans. Look at the examples of how we act. Of course, the greedy bastards on Wall Street will probably use this incident to manipulate the market like they do. Anything for a crooked dollar. Good thing I'm not a postal employee.

And soldiers gives their lives for idiots like these...

40K a month isn't enough dough for this beeyotch. A 7-million dollar house isn't enough. A boyfriend half her age isn't enough. She probably doesn't even have a job. Fat whore.

October 26, 2008

Thomas Jefferson was right!!!

Looking back at quotes from Thomas Jefferson reveal how intuitive, brilliant, and unfortunately correct he was. Our government has degenerated into a vile political machine with people who care more for power and privilege than for the people they are supposed to serve. They forgot about why they were elected.

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.

He who knows best knows how little he knows.

He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.

Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves are its only safe depositories.

All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.

Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.

Think I'm negative on our current political crowd? Don't listen to me...listen to Karl Marx, a fan favorite everywhere. "In the due course of history, there will be an inevitable breakdown of capitalism for economic reasons, to be replaced by communism." What do you think the politicians are doing right now? Terrifying...

October 25, 2008

Obama is a BABY KILLER

Is this what women want? Is this really what feminism is all about? Click on the title...please...

October 19, 2008

My God is McCain paying attention?

For God's sake, is anyone listening??!!! What about the last two years of the Pelosi Congress that spent its time doing nothing but worrying about getting a dem in the white house and nothing else? What about their doing nothing that would jeopardize their staying in office? Are Americans so dumb they don't realize that doing nothing to hurt their political careers means doing nothing!!! Are we so stupid we don't understand their actions are exactly why they should all be fired? Do people really believe only what they see on TV between portions of American Idol? Please, tell me we don't go spill our blood for people that don't understand that a 9% approval rating is 4 times lower than the presidents? Why doesn't McCain talk about the failure of the pelosi congress? Remember the infamous "First Hundred Day" promise? They didn't do any of it, and Obama was one of them! Now we're going to make him and Biden the two top guys? Guess what they'll end up doing!!! Stop talking about Ayers, no one is listening. Start talking about the failed congress of the last two years.

October 15, 2008

Politicians are apparently stupid

You would think when someone contacts your campaign and tells you how big of a jerk you are, it would be a BAD THING. Well, according to the Obama campaign, I'm a loyal dem. Sure I am. I emailed and told him he did some stupid crap a few weeks ago, now I'm on the mailing list, and today someone actually called me to ask me to make phone calls! You know what they say when you ASSUME things. Maybe they should actually read their email. It just shows how politicians really don't give a crap about you or me, they're just in it for themselves

October 13, 2008

Columbo didn't discover anything.

Okay, Columbus "discovered" the new world...or really, he didn't! No, he didn't discover jack squat. First, how do you "discover" a place where people already live? Did he work for Discovery Channel or something? Then, unless your world view is one seen through the eyes of a European, and your "world" revolves around the ego centrism associated with the view that Europe is the center of the universe, Columbus is just a privateer searching for gold, which is what he was. I bet all the people he killed by spreading new diseases around really appreciated his "discovering" them. Here you go, nice to see you, give us some gold while we infect your village and oppress you with our apparently "superior" religion. Yep, that's how it starts. There's always someone out there thinking he's better than you, telling you how to think and showing you how wrong you are. Hmmm, seems oddly familar, doesn't it?

I approved this message

I hate that crap. Who said they have to say that? Who forgot that a lie by omission is still a lie? If Obama says McCain voted against alternative energy and McCain did that because it was a bad bill full of pork, the omission by No-Bama is still a lie. Yes, he's a liar. Oops...Brainclogger called the Messiah a liar! Yep, sure did. How did we ever get in this country where we elect the slickest salesman, the shadiest character, the guy that talks good but has no real record so in essence is talking out his ass? When did war heroes become taboo? Tell you what...I'm going to be selling the "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for McCain" bumper stickers at a discount very soon. You see, I'm not PC. I won't vote for the Half-African-American candidate out of fear or guilt or any other reason, and will vote against him because he is an unknown, untested, and untrusted choice. If it were Biden-Obama then maybe, because Joe Biden seems to be a normal person, but in the current format, nope, never, not gonna do it. As President Bush Senior used to say, "wouldn't be prudent." I'm Brainclogger and I approved this message.

Drop Baby drop!!! Here's how we fix our country.

I say let the stock market crash. I say let all those people that think social security is a retirement plan piss and moan till doomsday. I say take oil and gas off the commodities exchange so "anticipation" can't be a criteria for increased oil prices. I say jail the people that have half-million dollar parties the day before their company gets bailed out by the government. I say flog CEO's that get paid millions of dollars after leaving failed financial institutions. I say fire any congressman with an approval rating lower than the president's (that would be about half of them). I say throw out political parties once you're elected. I say take foreign car companies off the American financial markets. I say take money out of circulation and let the trade deficit drop with the price of oil. I say the Saudis are our enemy more than North Korea. I say let old Braincloggeer pick out the liars in government and throw them out on their ears.

Leave that kid alone!!!

The liberal media bastards are still at it, trying to uncover any dirt they can and proving their bias as well as their overt sexism as they throw as much dirt on Sarah Palin as possible. When are families off limits? When they're democrats? When their half-black and political correctness says vote for the black man so you can sleep at night guilt free? If people really want to be PC they would throw that ridiculous housewife Pelosi out on her ear. Liberals in congress have been so consumed by the upcoming election they've concentrated on nothing else to our detriment for the last two years. How anyone can vote for these idiots I just don't understand.

September 26, 2008

Don't spend the 700 Billion!!!

Okay so do we really want to reward greed? Do we want to bail out crooked developers and mortgage lenders after they bulldozed the landscape, sold property that didn't exist, sold 1% mortgages, and built shitty houses? Do we want to save people who bought way more than they could afford, with greed, ignorance, and vanity fueling their efforts? Do we save the knuckleheads that bought those 1% mortgages thinking there wasn't a catch? There's always a catch. What about the people that got into interest-only loans? Dipshits. I say let them swing. If I can suck it up, tighten my belt, and make sacrifices to pay my debts, I say they should do the same. Why do I have to be subjected to this socialist scheme where i have to suffer for the ignorance and greed of others. Besides, i see these miserable bastards every day commuting to work. Ever ride the DC Metro? If you say good morning to someone they look at you like you're an asshole. Non-smiling, unfriendly, less-than-civil drones that can't even muster the dignity or the neighborly attitude to go out of their way to say good morning. Until we're civil to each other, I don't want to pay my debts...and theirs, or yours. No thanks. Come on, say hi to old Brainclogger...I may be paying your mortgage. Now how's that for neighborly...

Never debate a lawyer

It's one of those things you learn as a kid, like "don't pee into the wind," or "never hit a chick," or "go on green, stop on red." Obama was slick, he was poised, he sounded great...but he's a suit, a lawyer, a stinking liberal, and a paper tiger with no experience or substance when compared to McCain. After all, you know what Shakespeare said about lawyers

Harry Reid has to go!!!

To take the opportunity when briefing about the financial crisis to pull a sickening, despicable political stunt like he did is over the line and he deserves to get fired. He insinuated the negotiations were going well until John McCain came back to Washington. That was low, even for a politician. He sucks. Yes Harry, the most miserable man on the face of the earth, you indeed suck. The pictures of the politicians sitting at the table with the President had one great feature...no one could see your miserable puss in any of them.

September 17, 2008

It's a shitty job...

My imagination goes in all different directions with this one...

World's Smallest Man...is Gay


If you find yourself under a woman in a skirt BAM!!!...you get a kick in the face. Then you visit with a guy dressed in blue with a stick and a gun. Here he is, apparently put there by the woman standing over him. All I can say is "Dude, Look Up!" Come on Pingpong, look up for Brainclogger...

In Israel, Fido hires the OJ attorneys!

Get Barry Schek! Dig up Johnnie Cochran because they're using DNA from dog poo to find the dog that dropped it! I'm amazed we didn't think of this first! Now all those crime lab technicians can be glad they took out those college loans, eh? Sorry, CSI Miami isn't for you! No fancy Hummer, here's a pooper scooper. And this is the country we give the most aid? They actually have to reward people in order for them to clean up after their dogs? More self-absorbed people.

Beware of Blue Plastic Cows

The "illuminati" sent their best agent to retrieve the nuke housed in the dreaded blue cow...but this ninja stealth assassin got stuck...in the airshaft...and called the cops on himself. His defense? Oops! This might be the wrong museum! This kid should be called the "bathwater bandit" because it's clear he's been drinking his fare share.

Somebody's lying to me!!!

If the per-barrel price of oil came down 36% from the all-time high, why did the price at the pump only drop 5%? I used to be dead-set against taxing the oil companies, but it's clear they're keeping 30% for themselves. A 36% drop means we'd be back around $2.65. Now it's not that Americans really care about gas prices, just look at the commuters. One person in each car? If they really cared, they would fill the other three seats and drop the demand in half, but greed, pride, and good old American need for convenience keeps the prices high and the traffic gridlocked.

September 7, 2008

You're the people my parents warned me about!

He's changing his mind again!

Now who is he trying to appeal to this time? Either you're going to recind the tax cuts or you aren't, you like taxes or you don't, you believe in the military or not, you're black, or half black, or American, or African American, or whatever? It makes me wonder if you can be half african american? This man is trying to be a metro-sexual (remember that term), racially situationally dependent, one-size fits-all guy and it just pisses me off. Who will you be tomorrow Mr. Obama?

Obama my butt!!!

How many days did you go to work last year? How about in the last six months? Well, the "Big O" was a Sentator who went to work for 140 some-odd days before going out and running for president. Basically four and a half months in my book, and now he wants to be my president. I don't think so. Calling him Senator is probably an insult to other senators that actually come to work, although they all need a kick in the ass. Oh, and how was your last performance review? Obama hasn't worked long enough to have one, but I'll tell you what it would be. Blank. There's nothing to say. Now he wants a promotion? Please...

Back after 2 years, 4 months

...and if you think I had things to say before, look out! People and things are more screwed up than ever, and blogs have more impact now. Besides, I have two years worth of stuff to get off my chest. I hope to link back up with my old blogger links soon.

May 4, 2006

Leaving the Middle East...

Yes, it's the day to go... I have no regrets, no reservation, no nostalgic feelings, and can't wait. Whether or not we're helping anyone over here, I really don't care... Sorry, but I don't think this was worth a year of my life. I'm happy to be going...

Moussaoui Sentenced to Life in Prison

It was the right thing to do. If we did execute him, we should have done it just because he was a French ass-wipe, but as a wanna-be terrorist, we did the right thing.

Make no mistake, this guy's an idiot, and as far as terrorists go he's an utter failure, that's for sure. However, we demonstrated that our justice system can look at knuckleheads like this dipshit Moussaoui and say "we're not as savage as you...our taste for blood doesn't control our logic like yours does...you raghead f--k."

I think the show he put on was all an act anyway. He was trying to get executed because he thought he would be seen as a martyr. Sorry there Bub, even other craphead terrorists know what a loser looks like. You would have died and your fellow miscreants would have shown less concern for it than missing a re-run of Magnum P.I. You're no Tom Selleck, my friend. The guy couldn't even get himself executed!

Now remember the soap-on-a-rope, and the proper pronounciation of the word is b-i-t-c-h.

April 28, 2006

The Mexican Space Program...

I looked at someone and said "If I said to you...the Mexican Space Program" and immediately got a laugh. Strangely enough, I wasn't joking. They really are planning a Mexican version of NASA. Really, I'm not making this up!

However, I do have a few questions:

-Will it be a benefit to landscaping in general?
-Will the Mexican Space Center be built illegally across the American border in, say maybe Arizona or California?
-Will there be any Mexicans left to go into space, or will you have to get them back from the U.S.?
-Will you design the space suits around the size of the indigenous Mexicans of Indian ancestry, or around the taller, white Mexican racist elites that run the place? (Still wonder why they don't mind if people leave?)
-Will the menu on the spacecraft be truly Mexican or Tex-Mex?
-Does this mean soon we'll have an immigration problem on the moon?
-Ai Caramba!
-Since most American astronauts come from the U.S. Air Force, where will Mexican astronauts come from? Most Mexicans talented enough to join the Air Force come join ours. Do you even have an air force?
-So will you spend the money on the Space Center that you already don't spend on education, medical care, poverty, welfare, the environment, or other measures to stop the millions of Mexican citizens fleeing the country like rats fleeing a sinking ship?
-Can you put it in Juarez? That way Americans can get a beer and a nice case of the crabs from a Mexican hooker, watch the launch, and be back home in time for wrestling on TV, and Mexicans won't have to stop while wading across the Rio Grande in order to see a launch.
-Do you want to put people in space, just benefit from space tech, or merely be one of those cheesy "shooting satellites into space" type of operations? There's enough shit floating around in space already...
-Does referring to a Mexican during atmospheric re-entry as a "refried bean" sound racist to you?

Latin Hollywood Actors Talk Out Their Collective Ass...

First, Salma Hayak made the mistake of thinking she was anything more than a nice piece of ass. She's about as loyal to Mexico as Nanook of the North. Here's some pampered Hollywood liberal giving a "go team go" comment on her way to a European promotional tour for a movie she made where she pretended to be someone else and got paid for it. Wow! Talk about your benefit to society. where did you make all your money there, Sweet Pea? Who's side are you on anyway?

Edward James Olmos said protests and boycotts will teach the US a lesson? Right. I love how everyone thinks people here illegally should tell the United States government how wrong the government is. By the way, Eddie, politicians don't learn anything, or didn't you learn that since you're born and raised in Los Angeles? Whose side are you on anyway?

John Leguizamo, who came to this country when he was 4, says it's "insulting" that the law would call an immigrant a criminal. Well John, apparently you're a talented actor, but you're just not that bright. Or maybe you're only hearing what you want to hear. Or possibly, in true Hollywood liberal fashion, you're spinning the truth for your own benefit. Hmmm. In case you haven't been listening, they're calling illegal immigrants criminals. By the way, what's your immigration status? Whose side are you on anyway?

I know. Since Mr. Leguizamo finds it so horrible to call immigrants criminals, I'm going to find out where he lives, barge in, raid his fridge, demand health care, move some of my family in, insist he teach me everything he knows in the language of my choice, and when he tries to throw me out, start a protest in his living room telling him how wrong he is.

Actually, I doubt if any of these Latin Hollywood-puke rich people would even let me in their door? After all, I'm only in the Middle East defending their rights to be hyphenated-Americans, and obviously not as important to society as people who make a living playing "let's pretend."

April 25, 2006

Bush Orders Probe Into Gas Price Cheating

Sure he is. That's like having a fat kid look into who's eating all the donuts.

The President, the Vice President, and all their cronies are oil men! Holy crap! The President even owned an oil company! That's why it irks me every time I see him doing that timid, disingenuous "I hope the oil companies are doing the right thing" act, it makes me want to spew lunch! Come on dude, you know exactly what they're doing.

They're the biggest corporations in the world, and just happen to be the most heavily subsidized by taxpayer money. We actually pay a ransom to the oil companies to keep the prices down, and the president gives us that bullshit act? Thanks, but I'm not that gullible.

Why not just say the oil companies play a huge part in our economy, we live in a capitalistic country where businesses are supposed to make money, and no one in government really gives a shit about the taxpayer. I could live with that. Or how about "you bought the big SUV's, now live with them." I can deal with that too, but treating people like they're stupid just pisses me off.

April 22, 2006

and now, in the "why didn't I think of that" category...

From the Miami Herald "Phony doctor gives free breast exams."

The article says a woman "became suspicious" after the man started a genital exam and didn't use any rubber gloves! Oh my God! How damn stupid do you need to be? Hey lady! Wow are you intuitive! Do you think maybe you should have been a bit suspicious as soon as the guy came to do door? Or maybe when he said he was doing breast exams and apparently thought you were special and needed to go genital on you? Holy crap!

Do you drop your drawers for everybody that comes by? Trick-or-treaters probably love coming to your house! "I think I saw Sonic the hedgehog!" Now you know why there's that guy that always dresses-up as "weed-whacker man." I wonder if the mailman shivers at the thought of having to see that cottage-cheese body of yours? Great googly-moogly! Did you give this guy a frosty beverage before he decided to violate you? Did you ask for some ID?

So I have this friend who hasn't done so well with the girls lately. If I send him over, can he play doctor with you too? He doesn't own a weed-whacker though. Will the "Flowbie" work? He can bring the light that straps to his forehead if you want. Wow! Talk about gullible...

...and now, for the "let's get free shit" award, is every woman this guy duped into exposing the seafood for a 76-year old shuttle driver from a car dealership...Dr. Dodge...Gynecologist. They jumped on freebies like a fat kid on a cupcake. The urge for free stuff, especially amongst the "Wally Martinez" (Walmart) demographic of middle-class Miami immigrants is like the urge Wildebeast have to cross the river even though they know the crocodiles are waiting for them! Why do you think people risk their lives all the time trying to go from Cuba to Florida? Answer: they hear the tales of everybody giving away free shit.

Funny how women let this guy into their house knowing he was going to cop a feel. Is this the quality health care you're used to? If it was the vacuum cleaner salesman, the guy that sells water softeners as "miracle water treatment filters," or some dude selling insurance, the Scouts, Unicef, or the police, they probably would have slammed the door instantly! "Ai Cabrone! La Migra!"

Remember, there's no door-to-door gynecology...except in Miami.

April 21, 2006

True Americans

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Vietnam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a true American if: You wish everyone would stop being a "hyphenated-American" and just be an American.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

God Bless the U S A !

April 18, 2006

AP: States Omit Minorities' School Scores

BULLSHIT FLAG!!!!!

This is political correctness gone mad. First comes forced bussing so schools "represent" the politically correct mix of kids and politicians can feel warm and fuzzy while they justify school funding while again being politically correct. Then we put in the "no child left behind" law that makes school kids take tests to see if they're learning. After that, in order to see if it's all working, schools report the statistics, but if there is a "disproportionate amount of minorities," then they're not counted? What kind of stupid s--t is that?

This is racial pandering, and it's some PC bullshit we don't need. If people really want racial equality, stop identifying school children by the color of their skin. Where do you think they learn that stuff from? From us.

Oh, and while you're at it, we can stop naming kids "Laquanya" and "Shaniqua" and such. I know a guy named Dan, who had a daughter. So you think she would be "Danielle," right? Wrong. Danette. Can you believe that? Danette?

In Tampa I saw a little girl whose mother named her Shithead, pronouncing the word like Shi-thaid. What happens when she realizes her name is shit-head? I'm not making this up. Another kid was named NosmoKing. His mother said she got on the bus to go to the hospital and there on the front of the bus was her son's name..."No Smoking."

Maybe that lady needs to take the test?

April 17, 2006

Israel Reportedly Proposes Swap for Spy

...and still people wonder why everyone hates Israel. I'm not surprised. Here they are, the United State's biggest charity child, and they're still more self-serving than any other nation.

This latest swap for a spy isn't between Israel and Palestine. It isn't even really between Israel and the U.S. No. In a classic, conniving, sneaky puke Jewish state maneuver, they'll let a terrorist go back to Palestine if we release someone they had spying...on us! Classic!

Where do we come in on this? The neighbor keeps running over my mailbox, but I'll forget about that if my boss at work pays to get my house painted. What? There is no connection, and it makes very little (if any) sense.

What Israel is really saying is; "we let this terrorist go who is against the current Palestinian government, and tell the Americans we'll do it in exchange for one of our spies, who we just gave citizenship. They're stupid enough to go for it, and if not, our paid lobbyists will make everybody feel guilty about not supporting our cause. Ha! Ha! Ha! Dumb bastards! We crap all over them and they just keep forking over the dough! What's better is, we have them thinking they have to!"

In a blatant F-U to the United States, the spy that was the handler for the American they turned into a spy, was just put on the Israeli Parliament. Thanks a lot for that one. We appreciate it. What's worse is most of the terrorism we deal with is in direct response to our relationship with Israel, yet we keep forking over the cash and letting them do whatever they want. Good thing I'm not president.

I love this kind of whiny bullshit. After all, the stereotype of the sniveling, deceitful, back-stabbing, money-grubbing jew wouldn't be so cliche' if not for the continued support of such childlike behavior. Yes, they may be a government, but they act like children. Yes, the children can be smart, and strong, and talented, but underneath, they're still children.

Well, the children grew-up to be the bastard, red-headed stepchildren we all use as metaphor for the kids that everyone knows just aren't yours...the kids that blatantly point out a relationship with someone that was a mistake. I don't feel guilty about what happened to them in WW2, and it's time we stopped it. After all, if we should feel guilty then why do Jews drive German cars?

Israel is our mistake. They're like the kids that take your hard-earned money as an allowance and use it to pay for someone to kick your ass. Where do you think the money came from they used for spying on us?

Clearly, when the pros stop outweighing the cons, it's time to cut them loose. They think they're tough enough to go it alone. I say we let them.

April 14, 2006

Thoughts so far today

Why do we let in every uneducated worker, but cut the number of skilled worker visas in half?

Zacharias Moussaoui was an illegal alien.

Why do people say "heart" and soul are in the same place, usually in the chest area, but then say the eyes are "the window to the soul?" I think they are more like windows to the brain...

Why is it, when something is written on a piece of paper, it may as well be cast in stone, even if what is said is wrong?

If I had to start a list of industries that can vanish off the face of the earth and no one would miss them, I'd have to start with the fashion industry. After all, what redeeming value to mankind does a skinny, flat-chested 15 year-old runway model wearing purple feathers, pink chiffon, blue lace, a bit of fake fur, a wig, and stiletto heels have...other than comedic? Sure, you'll find someone washing that outfit at the laundromat...not.

Is it really always darkest before dawn?

Why do the words "tea bag" make people laugh?

Why do army aviation weenies refer to army helicopters as "rotary wing assets?" When did "helicopter" become a bad word?

CANX DEP or shift LAD APOE for RDD of TQ PAX (TAT SAE) left ICW GAC VIC TQ MODLOC. Why do we talk like this again?

I think the words "shit" and f--k" are the most versatile words in the English language.

I went from wife with a four-letter name beginning with "M" to a wife with a four-letter name beginning with "M." Is there something odd about that? Just a co-inky-dink?

Why is it, when someone says people are "clowning around," you never see any big shoes, rubber noses, red wigs, or squirting flowers? I don't ever see any clowns.

I hate clowns.

What would an Arab think if he ever saw a clown?

Do you know why the 9-11 attacks couldn't have happened in July? Because these were a bunch of rag-heads, and it would have been 7-11. Even they say "thank heaven for 7-11."

Why aren't irritating people aware of it?

What's the difference between "cutting the grass" and "mowing the lawn?"

"Brief" is a weird word. You can "brief" someone, create a brief, go to a brief, be brief, wear briefs, but you can't wear briefs and give the same brief. Only "inspector 9" can inspect briefs, and you can brief briefs but not briefs, and you can do a brief brief. Weird.

What exactly is an ass-clown?

On a round planet, is there really a direction "up?"

I think I just realized what it is like to have your body fail and your mind still be sharp. It must be the reason for senior citizens going crazy! We treat seniors like a bunch of drunk retards and it's just not right.

In England, is it the "left of way?"

Detectives search for suspect in rape of teen at Deerfield Beach hotel

She fell for the "I've got something to show you" line? Wow! I guess there's a new generation of girls that haven't heard that one. Duhhh.

It's not nearly as stupid as letting your 17 year-old daughter go to Aruba on a class trip, but shows that bad things happen everywhere, even at Hilton hotels in Deerfield.

Personally, I blame the Paris Hilton's father for the whole thing...

Florida tackles a creepy problem - Burmese pythons

The creepy problem is actually "snake people," who like snakes and want them as pets. Thy always seem a bit odd to me.

Snakes don't come when you call! You can't teach them to catch a Frisbee! The darn collar never stays on! They border on "ridiculously" stupid...but they do keep that irritating stray cat problem to a minimum.

Would we catch them, cut certain parts out of them, then bury the rest in a landfill? Why not? We do that to fish.

Would we grind them up and feed them to cats? Why not? We do that to fish. Why is a cat more valuable than a fish or a snake?

Would we grind them up and sell frozen blocks of ground snake for use in catching other snakes? Why not? We do that to fish. Sell snake chum.

Can we establish a commercial market for them, then a recreational catching program where a person with a recreational license can catch two but a commercial guy can catch 2 tons worth? Why not? We do that with fish.

Can we cut certain parts off of a living snake and let the rest of the snake go, to suffer and eventually die? Why not? We do that with sharks.

I have the solution...just tell the Japanese they're tastier than American eel, and tell the Chinese they help put "lead in your pencil," and in a matter of months, they'll all be gone.

April 13, 2006

Never trust the government

Want another in the long list of reasons? Remember the "we want to help people buy their first home" pack of lies?

Now we have the greediest people on the face of the earth (real estate developers), buying every square inch of land possible, and in some cases, plowing it all under to build houses that all look alike, which happen to be next to stupid golf courses. Even the residents of our nation's stereotypically low-rent neighborhoods are now in fear of developers pushing them out of what? None other than their trailers!

The proof is the news article "Location, location: Developers snatch up trailer parks."

That's all we need...more cookie-cutter, conformist housing developments for cookie-cutter, conformist people to live in, and more displaced people needing affordable housing. Why do you think Toll Brothers is one of the best performing stocks in the country?

We better start donating to Habitat for Humanity now.

Oh...and remember, the government really cares about you...

Pope Urges Confession During Holy Week

Come on, O.J., you can do it...

I'd like to hear some other confessions too, from:

Ted Kennedy

Michael Jackson

Bill Clinton

Ray Nagin

Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and their cronies

most of the members of the NBA

Kofi Annon

April 10, 2006

Officer Cited for Showing 'Brokeback'

Now this one's funny. They didn't want to show the movie due to the "graphic nature of the sexually explicit scenes." Wow! How ridiculous.

News-flash...it wasn't (from what I hear) a movie about cowboys raping each other, but a movie about man-love. Creepy...sordid...extramarital man-love, but non-violent.

To have a prison get upset about that makes as much sense as letting homicidal maniacs pump weights and turn into raging musclebound homicidal maniacs...about as much sense as boxer shorts and mini candy bars. Nobody's getting raped here boys.

Of course, it could spark a round of unwelcome man-love amongst the lonely inmates, but that's supposed to happen or we wouldn't have our stereotypes and cliche's, now would we?

What we do at work...

China to establish reserve for rare white dolphin

...so they can pen them all in, making them easier to kill and eat. This is similar to the bear-bile milking farms used for ancient medicines, the poachers employed to kill all the Rhino's in Africa; all the brown and black bears in the American Rockies, all the sharks in the sea, all the eels and menhaden in the northeast, exotic species from around the world including Mountain Gorillas; sardines and herring in California, and until 1994 when the net ban came, all the mullet in Florida.

Rhino horn...you know, the Chinese aren't "horny" enough.

...but at least a beer "huggie" only costs fifty cents...

April 9, 2006

Communistic ideas.

You know, sometimes I have Communistic ideas, and really, they're more like tendencies.

I hate the greedy, and the arrogant, and believe they should be taught lessons.

I applaud Hugo Chavez' cheap oil to poor people in our country program. He should keep it up and the greedy American oil companies and our government which supports them should be taught shame for making this necessary.

We would never do anything about the record oil company profits because we've let greed and arrogance get so in-grained into our culture that doing something to them would make the stock market plunge and hurt every other American company and citizen.

There will never be a cure for cancer in this country because there's no profit in it for the big, government supported greedy and arrogant drug companies. People say Cuba, yes Cuba, the little country everybody seems to flee because of how bad it sucks, is actually reported to have a national health care plan and competent doctors, a program which should come as an embarrassment to the big, greedy, drug and insurance company-run medical system we have here.

I hate insurance companies that threaten you into parting with all kinds of money for all kinds of coverage, and when the flood or natural disaster hits, or you get in an accident, they default (read: refuse to pay) on coverage they were bound to pay you by contract, and the government says "oh well," and does nothing. The insurance companies do what they want; they are above the law; their greedy corporate culture screws-over Americans left-and-right, and the government has no problem with that. The government would rather make sure the company stays afloat than honor its contractual obligations to pay. In other words, the government doesn't care if it does the right thing and shafting American citizens is fine with them.

Did we ever figure out what was in it for us when we invaded Iraq? Was it worth the huge deficit we have now? Did I authorize that? Did I say they could spend so much dough on a frivolous exercise in futility? Was it a benefit or a burden for all Americans to invade Iraq?

What other greedy, arrogant politicians will we elect next go-around. Guaranteed there'll be a Kennedy in there somewhere. You have to have mistress-drowning adulterers. It's a rule. And you have to bring all your cronies with you when you go to Washington so when all the skeletons start coming out of the closet, your supposed friends and advisors can jump off that rat ship you built. You know, the rat ship of sniveling, brown-nosing, wanna-be politician yes-men. Don't worry though, more crooked idiots are already waiting to pretend to be your friends.

It's called lobbyists, corruption, greed, and arrogance. This is the kind of thing the 2nd Amendment says we need guns for...protection from a tyrannical government. As you can see, it's starting to burn all the president's men, all the vice-president's flunkies, big-time corporate jerkoffs, congressmen, and a bunch of others. Their arrogance and greed gets in the way of doing the right thing for the rest of the country. Their country-club corporate power-politics makes them corrupt and lust for power and political favor. They can't see the real picture because of it, and they never will. They vote themselves millionaire retirement plans and pay raises, but forget about things like border security until it bites them. After the wound heals, they go right back to business-as-usual until it bites them again, and so-on, and so-on.

Poll: Immigration Worries Growing in U.S.

A couple thoughts come to mind dealing with the whole immigration issue:

-We are not a nation of immigrants. We are a nation of legal immigrants wanting to find a PC way to deal with the illegal ones.

-Illegal immigrants are aliens, not immigrants

-Stop all the benefits we give people for being here illegally and some may go home. How do these people get cars and get in accidents, kill people, and all that happens is they get sent home? That happened this week.

-If you really want to slap an American in the face, just tell him he has to take out a loan to send his kid to college while an illegal alien gets in for free.

-How do they think they'll enforce the new immigration idea? Answer: They're not, and they never intended to in the first place. It's a political trick. It's a lie.

-Why is immigration such a problem? It's just because of the tax revenue and the burden in health, social services, and schools these aliens put on the rest of us. however, everybody knows this is a problem that president after president gave lip-service to, and it snowballed into the problem it is today.

-Amnesty for anyone here before 1 January 06 is probably the only way to enforce this thing.

-Does this mean I'll hear English in the Walmart in Miami? No way!

-They may not like it, but when Vincente Fox said "Mexicans will do work that Blacks won't do," he was right. In fact, they'll do work that most Americans won't. Why is that? Because work is work to them. Having a job is a noble thing, and a way to provide for your family. Only in America do we arrogantly look down our noses and put people in working "classes."

-Like I said before...if the Mexican government doesn't want to stop all its citizens fleeing here, then they need to pay us in oil to keep letting them come.

-A guy running across the border makes a great target for sniper practice!

-Maybe we could pay the people coming up and crossing the border to test sneakers and hiking shoes! Then we could advertise "rugged enough to make the Baja 200- mile immigrant walk.

-Did Mexico run out of farm fields or something?

-When the Latin immigrants join gangs in California, we should be allowed to practice fire-and-maneuver tactics on them.

-Why can't they just do it the legal way? I mean really? Why not? Is there something that would stop them from coming? Do they just want to be illegal?

-Why isn't the Mexican government (and others in central and South America) just flat-out embarrassed that their countries suck so bad their people are clamoring to come here?

U.N.: Nations Refuse to Stop Geneocide

No they aren't. They don't know any better. It's age-old ethnic, religious, clan, tribal, and political warfare. It happens. The only problem is all the U.N. does is whine while they wait for the United States to do something about it.

They asked France and a couple other nations to do something about a number of these issues, and either it was a miserable failure or they said no. I believe it's also part of Darwinism. The strong survive, while the weak need to be tended-to by the masses and by outsiders. This is combined with developed nations saying "what's in it for me," and deciding if the case is worth getting involved.

I also think people now decide to stay out of things because in more and more cases, someone goes to some shitty country somewhere and ends-up getting killed for their trouble. It's like going to the neighbor's house when you stop the husband beating the crap out of the wife, and then in the irony of ironies, she pulls a gun and kills you for it. Crime statistics bear this out, proving that domestic violence calls are the most dangerous ones for police to respond.

The U.N. needs to ask themselves when they really need to get involved in nations that continually show they would not only rather have someone handle theior problems, but left to their own devices, they would rather be warring than at peace. Just look at Haiti. The U.N. intervenes in 1994 and then 2004, and is it any better than it was? Are Haitians still killing each other for power and money? Are gangs still roaming around doing the politician's dirty work? Has the poverty, AIDS, and environmental destruction stopped or even slowed? Have foreign investors come in or gone away? Does corruption rule or is there compassionate leadership? Has the infrastructure improved or further deteriorated?

I think it's time to tell the United Nations to sit down and shut-up. They're not effective and corruption reigns supreme there also. Until they go saying how screwed-up other places and other people are, they need to be above reproach or at least not seen as part of the problem.

By the way...the AP reporter on this story spelled "Genocide" wrong. Spell-check my lad, spell check...

U.S. Troops Kill 8 Suspected Insurgents

What is this, Washington D.C.? Do all these people have lawyers? I know, the ACLU has it's band of merry men over there handing out cards and teaching insurgents about the "US versus Miranda" court case, right?

WTF? Maybe they should call the article "Terrorist shit-heads get "benefit of the doubt." Or "American legal system a boon to the terrorist cause?"

Sure, sure, our legal system is okay, but it leans too heavily on the side of the criminal. "Suspected" insurgents. "Suspected" safehouse. What's with all the "suspected" nonsense? This isn't America we're fighting in, and we don't normally shoot people down who just look like insurgents. I would hazard to say that when one of these "suspected" insurgents fires an AK-47 at you, they're no longer "suspected" of anything. And what's with calling them "assailants?" Did they just rob a Walmart or something?

Hey news media! I have a solution; drop the touchy-feely PC bullshit and write normally. Here's an example:

"The U.S. military reports American troops killed eight insurgents Sunday during a raid north of Baghdad. Clashes erupted when troops surrounded a safehouse and nearby tent on the northern outskirts of the city. American forces killed five enemy insurgents inside the tent, and as enemy firing on them continued, our troops called for an air strike which claimed the other three bad guys."

Now is that so hard?

April 7, 2006

Money talks and B.S. walks...

This broad goes from the Florida Secretary of State to Congress, and now wants to go to the Senate, has a history of corruption, and said she would put in 10 million of "her own" dollars to her campaign. It makes me think a few things:

This proves that people would pay any amount possible for the power and payback that comes with being an American politician. It's also part of the payback for her efforts during the 2000 Florida recount. Yep, Republicans are as crooked as Democrats.

Where the heck did she get $10,000,000?

How does someone caught taking illegal campaign contributions get to keep being a politician? Easy. It's because of the culture of corruption. I welcome any and all contributions to the Brainclogger fund...

A testament to the truly worthless...

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14282215.htm This nutcase is currently in the can, and tries to hire a hit man to "whack-out" his wife, his brother's girlfriend, his shrink, and his brother, who is also a head-shrinker. Wow!

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14273308.htm Here's a guy that Cornell University pays good money to do research on alcohol's effect on houseplants. What's worse is this guy was actually published in his industry trade magazine. Talk about excitement! The people that actually read "HortTechnology" magazine must be some party animals, eh! Hard to believe these kind of Melvins and Mortimers make a living doing this. Nerds rule!

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14282200.htm This chiropractor claims he can go back in time to cure illnesses. If so, can he go back to the seventies and kick my brother's ass? I'll give him the money to buy some microsoft stock before he goes. If I could go back in time, I'd go kill the guy that invented disco...but I digress. The guy also invented a treatment program he calls "bahlaqueem," which he admits means nothing but sounds good. He also denies being a bit nutty.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14280681.htm Starbucks manager by day...drummer in a Motley Crue "tribute band" by night. He got to fill in for Tommy Lee in a concert due to a wrist injury to Lee. What this fine gentleman doesn't realize, is that he dedicates his life to idolizing someone else, and the peak...the crowning achievement of his life just happened. It will never get any better for you. Ever. The rest of your life will now be meaningless to you, just as all of your prior life was meaningless to the rest of us. ...take the band with you first before you go, and make sure you get your whole head in front of the shotgun. Have a nice trip.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14271605.htm The owner of the now-famous "One-eyed kitten," who I affectionately refer to as the "One-eyed kitten Lady," wants the cat's remains to go to a religious group instead of to Ripley's because of the cats "religious significance." Cat people irritate me.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14272246.htm Dude isn't happy with the dick surgery he had, so he mails a bomb to the doctor? How weak is that! If you're pissed about the status of your "unit," I say that's time for a direct confrontation, not some sissy maneuver through the mail. Then he pleads guilty using a WMD, even though he was only targeting one guy! Hey, why do 2 years when you can do 5, right? I think these passive aggressive tendencies and feelings of inadequacy would find a quick cure if the guy with the "Mini-me" handled his issues in person. There you go, advice from Dr. Brainclogger, who also notices the guy comes from "Reamstown." Ironic, because that's what the inmates call jail. With a broken tally-whacker and an inferiority complex, it won't be like a day at the beach...

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14270386.htm Look out, here come the Latin baby-shower brawlers. Yo esay, ju got sun-kina prollem, mang? Ju lookin at my stroller, vato? Afte I fold deez "one-zies" we're throwin-down, Holmes. Of course, it's hard to be scared of a guy named "Jazz," and funny that people felt the need to be armed at a baby shower. Of course, one of these tough guys thought he needed to take a stick to a pregnant chick. Hey, that rhymed! Here's another one; Juan and Jazz both have a sore azz. In the Big House, in the Clink, now you have the jailhouse sphinc. Up the river, there you go, now you're Bubba's little Ho.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14269619.htm The article says "Fake Sheik, phony art, real jail time." There you go, an Arab in the U.S. trying to get "paid" like everyone else. An immigrant trying to rip people off. Wow, he really did assimilate well. He has his piece of the American dream. Now true to form, he'll go to jail and convince himself he's innocent and only in jail because the "man" put him there. Afterward, he'll recuit all the prison Muslims and convince them they're disaffected too, instead of being the crack-heads, murders, rapists, assholes and general scum they really are. Then he'll get out, start a mosque in New York, get a tax break from the government, and plan to start a "Jihad" on the "Infidel" Americans who live so decadently. Of course, this is the same shithead that impersonated a Saudi in order to cheat people out of their money for his own greed and ill-gotten gain. ...but we're the bag guys... Why, at $3.oo a gallon, did people trust a Saudi in the first place?

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14263273.htm People in California sell Chronic Candy," which is supposed to taste like marijuana, but doesn't have any THC, so the government out there wants to ban it. The government of Oakland...which is connected to San Francisco...the 60's drug culture's virtual "epicenter" and they want to ban a lollipop that tastes like "the ganja?" The pot-smoking, acid-dropping, tune-in, drop-out, get-high hall-of-fame wants to ban a lollipop because they think it "improperly influences teens and young adults..." Oh...my...God... They say the candy is already banned in Chicago and parts of New York. That's great! They don't do jack-squat about the real drug problems in our country, but a pot-flavor lollipop is public enemy number-one! It's sad, and typical of our weak-willed, power-hungry, misguided, greedy, crooked, PC, lying sack-of s--t politicians. As for the guy that makes Chronic Candy...it's a good idea, and a money maker, but worthless to society, therefore making you worthless. Donate the profits to charity.

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14271417.htm A glowing testimony to the worthlessness of lawyers and the rediculous nature of our legal system. To people went to court to argue for custody of a freaking Poodle! A poodle! It's not even a real dog! It's name is Zena. What do you want to bet it was named after "Zena, Warrior Princess?" So that also means there is a guy arguing for custody of a female poodle. Egads! How's your manhood now, pal? If I was the judge, I would have kept the poodle and threw the two people in jail. Whoever held-out the longest for the dog would be the winner.

Alleged castrator had medical experience

This has an "Uncle Jesse gives Uncle Clem the 'blumpkin' in the woodshed" kind of ring to it. It's just plain creepy.

So here we are, three old backwoods redneck country rope-smokers attracting other men to their place and then treating them to a Lorena Bobbit style winky whacking. Ouch! Yep, they're doing their best to further gay rights.

I think it's more like the "Hic and the hound-dog" rather than master-slave.

April 5, 2006

Hilton Considered for Mother Theresa Role

Okay, Idiot Alert!!! Freakin Dot-Head. Now watch, he is insulting an icon of the Christian community and nobody's going to say jack-squat. If it was Oliver Stone casting Dolph Lundgren to play Muhammad, the complaints would fall from the sky like a tickertape parade.

She must not be a liberal

"Jessica Alba, Playboy end spat with Hefner apology."

She accepted Hugh Hefner's apology for creating the impression (by having her on the cover of the magazine) that there were nude pictures of her inside. She apparently felt a sense of justice and dropped her lawsuit.

Wow! I'm stunned. With suing people as the national pastime of our country, I would expect to see some kind of mention about Hefner coughing-up some dough. I'm speechless.

Sex tourism thriving in Bible Belt

Don't you think it's high-time they removed Atlanta from the Bible Belt? The article said it was the "buckle" of the Bible Belt. More like the un-buckled buckle.

In a city that has a Ludacris Day, where a prerequisite for government service is you not be Caucasian, where corruption and inefficiency, nepotism, greed, vice, and graft reign supreme, I'm not surprised in the least by this article.

In a city that celebrates "bling-bling," excess, "thuggery," all things Escalade, and is more concerned about "Sean Jean" and FUBU than morality, crime, drug control, proper fiscal policy, or proper child education, I'm not surprised. Atlanta sets race relations back years.

Of course, the sexual exploitation of children is just disgusting, and anybody that wants to have sex with a ten year-old needs a serious beating, and 14 cities were named as centers for this sort of depravity, but Atlanta was number one.

As for the "Bible-Belt" myth...it's a fallacy. What Bible is this? If it was real, this other crap wouldn't be happening there. Or it it that sex and money, ignorance and greed are more attractive to people in Atlanta than God?

Now I'll be called racist for telling the truth.

Homeland Deputy Arrested in Seduction Case

Hey, I don't have time to plan for natural disasters, terrorist attacks, or worry about hurricane recovery, I'm too busy trying to pick-up 14 year-old kids on the internet! Why worry about the New Orleans people getting fresh food when I'm shooting for some high-school freshman "stuff."

I know what turns on 14 year-old chicks...my work picture with my DHS pin and my TSA lanyard! I'm a sexy bitch. She must see me as a big piece of 55 year-old "man candy!" I don't think so. Getting snagged like that is so classic. Bad boys, bad boys...

Of course, proof that these governmental idiots get special treatment, and probably the funniest line in the article is; "There was no immediate response to messages left on Doyle's government-issued cell phone and his e-mail, and he could not be reached by phone at the jail for comment." Hey, if I ever go to jail I'd appreciate it if "The Slammer" would screen my calls too.

Then again, he can be as big a shithead as he wants...he's a federal government civilian "politician wanna-be." Politicians get away with that kind of thing. Can you say Bill Clinton? Gary Condit? Ted Kennedy? For those of us in the military, the mere perception of a lack of integrity or morality is enough to cost us our jobs. Our standard of conduct is higher than for those who send us into harm's way, and there's something wrong with that. There's also something wrong with Mr. Boyle.

Teacher charged with raping student 28 times

...while he lied to his father about where he was staying in order to go bang this fat broad, and while his little buddy watched! Of course, the law says she was the rapist, which is almost comical.

28 times from 24 March to 31 March? If you spread it over the eight days (like she did), that's 3.5 times per day! Otherwise, there was some heavy-duty stuff happening, and on a bunch of school nights to boot! When did she find time for work?

Dad must be so proud...and concerned his son's stamina may be far greater than his own. Not.

Half-a-million-dollar bail? Wow! That's one expensive piece-of-ass.

...well, she is willing to do it 28 times in eight days...

So I've been called "homophobic"

Phobia- An irrational, persistent fear or dread.

I wouldn't exactly call it a "phobia," per se. Well, on second thought, a bearded 300-pound dude in a tu-tu would scare the hell out of me. In fact, I think all "gay pride" events would scare me. A hundred or so guys dressed like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and people dressed like they're in the Village people is disturbing, if not just downright frightening. Face it, most of those events are a testament to bizarre behavior, and I say they hurt their cause. If they marched in khaki pants and polo shirts, I would expect for people to listen to their point of view, not just find them a curiosity.

Now I wouldn't say I was homophobic. If it was truly a fear of mine, I would confront it in a fine, expedient military manner and eliminate the cause of my fear. I don't think I'll do that. I'd rather just live and let-live, with one caveat...I want to live in peace, so as people try to further any cause, not just gay rights, be assured I don't want to hear it and leave me alone.

I also don't think, as a lesbian, that I am averse to all forms of homosexuality. You know, the guy version of it is invasive and just plain creepy, but I can understand the girl thing...as a lesbian, that is. Besides, the only thing that I find irritating is what is commonly referred to as "flamers" and "bull dikes." If you want to be a girl, then become a girl, but don't be a faggy guy. If you want to be a guy, then be a guy, but not a masculine female. No matter how much they try, a guy will never look good in halter tops or fish nets, and belly-button rings are for girls. Maybe I find the growing androgeny of America irritating too, I don't know.

As for gay movies, I have no problem with them either. I'm not going to see them, so there's no issue. Why won't I? I don't want to. I'm not interested. Sorry if the liberals find my freedom of choice offensive.

Of course, nothing plays in stereo quite like a stereotype, so here is a gay movie I actually would see...

March 30, 2006

So they "let her go?"

Sure they did. These ragheads let go of hostages like Mexicans let go of lawnmowers.

I can think of a few more believable scenarios...

She was so scared all the time all she did was cry and menstruate and dragging around a hostage that was always sniffling and leaving a blood trail was hurting their "clandestine" activities...

As an American girl she nagged them so badly they tried to let her go for weeks but she just wouldn't leave, and wouldn't shut the f--k up.

Like any relationship, the sex was good in the beginning, but then they just lost interest

She snuck out while the kidnappers were watching a soccer game

In an attempt to get away, the kidnappers snuck out while she was asleep

The kidnappers hate other Muslims so badly they dropped her on the Iraqi Islamic Party.

They fed her, so every time she got hungry she showed up. Eventually they stopped feeding her.

When they realized she knew the Koran better than they did, it pissed them off and they sent her packing.

One kidnapper eventually convinced the others that the "female infidel" was "cramping their style."

They captured her without a change of clothes and she used too much water washing the same pair of "granny panties" every day.

She just wouldn't stop naming all the goats and it made the kidnappers feel bad to eat them.

She's notoriously bad with names and all the kidnappers were tired of being called Mohammed.

While they were out planting IED's, she would call them constantly

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards."

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, but successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs Mary Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Support your favorite stereotype...and cliche's...

Look at this retard; Jack Abramoff, who should be Abramoffenstein, furthering the stereotype of the crooked Jew who's greedy, corrupt, integrity-free, and a chicken shit. He also did the cliche' "blame it on your partner and hang him out to dry" routine. Now the government, in the purely "going through the motions" world of making it look like they're investigating politicians, has turned him into a rat. Of course, the best cliche is his invoking all the God references after he's been had. He's a Dick. Now he gets to go from political influence peddler and generally slimy puke to "Inmate 12345." Fare-thee-well, Mr. Me-off. Don't forget the soap on a rope.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060330/ap_on_re_us/lobbyist_fraud

Artsy people, museums, and Yoga. Too easy. This is as cliche and stereotypical as Birkies, tree-huggers, and yogurt. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060330/ap_on_he_me/fit_fitness_artsy_yoga

Ga. Congresswoman in Scuffle With Police. Wow! This one covers a few of them. A Black politician from Atlanta? What else is there? A black politician who doesn't act right? Hmm, where have I seen that before? A black woman who thinks she can put the smackdown on the coppers and either doesn't have to listen to them, or thinks she's so important they should know her. Whoa! Are you trying to hit all the stereotypes at once? Well, her last public appearance besides in congress was at the Martin Luther King Service...dressed in tiger stripes!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060329/ap_on_go_co/McKinney_scuffle

The inept government attorney. The Moussaoui prosecutors called the terrorist a "hanger-on," in terms of his involvement with 9-11, saying he was dreaming he had involvement, but was pretty much a terd. They didn't say strap-hanger, leech, wanna-be, or some other well-known term...they used "hanger-on." I'd like them to use hanger-on'er. They say he used lies in order to hide what was to happen on 9-11. Maybe next they'll call him a "big meanie." A dictionary and thesaurus are on the way to the Justice Department. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060330/ap_on_re_us/Moussaoui

Iran Urged to Clear Up Nuclear Suspicions. Yep, here goes that fearless bunch of idiots in the U.N. again. The told Iran to clear-up questions about their nuclear programs in 30 days or else. Or else what? Or else they'll have another meeting and declare Iran a bunch of no-fun "doo-doo heads" and then huff and stomp away like the impotent, gut-less, worthless body of bureaucrats they are. In more stereotypical fashion, the Europeans say they want to get "tough," but don't actually want to do anything to Iran. It's like a French cop yelling "stop! Or I'll yell stop again!" Further, the Russians and Chinese are urging caution, which are the first steps to dissent among the paper-tiger security counsel, while the Russians say the most important thing that came out of the meetings was a unified counsel. Wow, the most dysfunctional organization in the world is united on something... Maybe the United Nations should stick to what they're good at...milking the U.S. for money while being corrupt; taking money from international programs for personal gain; nepotism, and all other forms of vice and graft. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060330/ap_on_re_mi_ea/un_iran_nuclear

Arab taxi drivers. In this case, Miami Arab taxi driver rapists... http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/14213581.htm

The continuing saga of the stereotypical "it's all about me" American society...a society that has a service problem. "Broward to make military recruitment opt-out forms more accessible" http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/breaking_news/14215157.htm

The stereotype of Lib vs Conservative, Dem vs Republican, and a newspaper poll showing a democrat beating a republican. With Catherine Harris, it's also the one about an inept rookie politician, and how one side makes the other look as dirty as possible, whether it's true or not. http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/breaking_news/14215876.htm

This news article is about Jessica Simpson wanting to adopt kids, and that's not the stereotype. In the very end of the article it says she's doing a movie about a movie star who hits rock-bottom and joins the Marines. There it is; the stereotype that the military is the last resort and final place for the disenfranchised, destitute, and destroyed to go. http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/eo/20060329/114368262000.html

Actors with no brains try to prove they have one, and those with brains try to prove they're not corrupt. Rob Reiner is also your cliche' Hollywood democrat that has the money to be a liberal, and is too arrogant to possibly question if he should be. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060329/pl_nm/california_reiner_dc

Fascism in the Middle East. With the installation of the terror goup Hamas into power in Palestine, and with Mahmoud Abbas as the central figure, fascism reigns supreme...just as it does in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and all those other places where race, religion, and a strict adherance to a political philosophy determine the rules... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060330/ap_on_re_mi_ea/palestinians_israel

March 29, 2006

This position got her that way in the first place!

This photograph, released by sculptor Daniel Edwards on Tuesday, March 28, 2006,shows his sculpture of singer Britney Spears giving birth. The life-sized "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," seen at the artists studio in in Moosup, Conn., will be shown at the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in the Williamsburg section of New York beginning April 7. (AP Photo/Daniel Edwards)

I wonder if it's anatomically correct??? If so, the artist definitely has issues...not like he doesn't already!

Next time you think you're having a bad hair day...

Music producer Phil Spector is shown in Superior Court Monday, May 23, 2005, in Los Angeles.

Hey Phil...the seventies are over pal...

Maybe it's some kind of animal living on his head?
Hair Club- he's not just a member, but also the plaintiff...

I didn't know cotton candy came in that color.

Hedgehog hair by Ronco...

He finally figured out what to do with all that dryer lint...

Christian convert sightings continue...

In reports following yesterdays escape from hell, numerous sighting of the Afghan man who converted to Christianity have been recorded. So far, he's been seen:

Taking his picture with Mickey at EuroDisney. Or is it Le Mickey?

Earlier in France police responded to a group of men apparently assaulting someone. Fearing the man was the Afghan escapee, police rushed to the scene only to discover the men kicking the Le Crap out of a Mime. Apparently French people hate Mimes too...

Some time later he was spotted flying a cargo airplane full of the fabled "rubber dog shit" out of Hong Kong. This was proven impossible as in recent years China has become the world leader in the rubber dog shit business and is now the sole manufacturer of imitation animal excrement and simulated bodily fluids industry. Everyone knows the yucks just keep coming when you play with plastic vomit and the fake spilled-can of soda! People just can't get enough!

He was also seen sneaking into that eminently more progressive country...Pakistan. Word had it after that, he was thinking of really "going nuts" and trying either Saudi Arabia or Iran! Somebody stop him! Talk about a party animal! He said he had dreams that had to do with seeing a woman's ankle and they made him feel dirty.

He was sighted in the United Arab Emirates having lunch with a strange looking American in a traditional woman's Durka. He said that also made him feel dirty...

Sighted in China being the taskmaster in a sweatshop employing 10 year-old girls making garter belts for American women. Word has it Michael Jackson told him about the position.

Spotted on South Beach where he saw suntan-oil-slathered Latin women in skimpy bikini's, some topless playing paddleball...and promptly exploded.

Thrown out of a casino in Atlantic City because his attempts at yelling "come on seven" in Arabic at the craps table sounded like he was getting ready to spit on somebody.

Seen enrolling at Yale.

Arrested with a group of soccer hooligans following Manchester United's defeat to Uventis.

Seen at Mount Rushmore on the job as the guy that dangles from a rope to clean Lincoln's nose.

Employed at over 100 Seven-Eleven, Circle-K, and Piggy-Wiggly convenience stores nationwide.

Taxi driver in New York City

Now gay and living in San Francisco where he absolutely refuses to wear anything tan or brown.

Tour guide at St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican.

Seen running across the southern border of the United States disguised as a Mexican, where he was promptly apprehended and returned to Mexico. Apparently authorities had a hard time believing his name was Pancho Villa.

Driving the Conch Tour Train in Key West. Apparently he makes money on the side convincing drunken tourists to take their picture with him because of how much he looks like Hemingway.

Roadie for Aerosmith

Third member of the all Arab reggaeton group "Dos Rag-Heads and a Camel Jockey."

Learning to bribe law enforcement officials and mix martinis in case he could ever be of service to Ted Kennedy.

He's inspector #9.

MORE SIGHTINGS AS THEY HAPPEN!

Scarlett Johansson tops sexiest list

No she doesn't! She's cute, but she's a kid. So are Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Keira Knightley. Besides, Jenny McCarthy comes off as so obnoxious it takes any chance of sexiness away. As for Carmen Electra, she tries too hard and married a guy with a head three-times too big for his body. Terry Hatcher's pretty,but it was that stupid TV show that got her on the list. Halle Berry is pretty, and again, Maria Sharipova is also just a kid.

Tell you what...my wife better be on that list!

How to spell r-e-t-i-r-e-m-e-n-t...

from today's Miami Herald:

SO YOU HAD A BAD DAY...
Patti LaBelle struggled through a weekend show in Palm Beach County after taking the stage at midnight, at one point sitting down and crying.
''I've never been this embarrassed in my life,'' LaBelle told the crowd Saturday at the Riviera Beach Jazz & Blues Festival. ``It's the worst show I've ever done in my life.''
As temperatures dipped into the low 50s, LaBelle explained that she's nearly 62, has diabetes and a heart murmur -- and the cold weather wasn't agreeing with her.
The R&B singer tried to belt out a few notes, then told fans huddled under blankets that she understood if they walked out on her.
LaBelle struggled through Lady Marmalade with assistance from a few in the crowd, sang some gospel songs and On My Own before retreating.

Low fifties, sick, heart problem, and going on at midnight? She has unrealistic expectations. I wouldn't have gone on and I'm twenty years younger. When you lose the awareness you're doing something you shouldn't be doing, it's time to hang it up.

March 28, 2006

Christian Convert Vanishes After Release

Now this is proof we're all insane! This is an international incident...a man in Afghanistan, a place so ass-backward that they want to kill a guy for converting to Christianity! This is a place where we're spending billions, and Americans have been killed, and for what? What's changed? Are the Taliban truly out? I say f--k no.

President Karzai is afraid of offending the sensibilities of these Muslim clerics who are calling for the murder of this guy? Muslim "students" are joining in? Is it the same school where the 42-year old 9-11 types come from? The same school that teaches Muslims that everybody should pity them because of how disaffected they supposedly are and their only recourse is to go kill people?

I just have to ask what the fuck are we doing over there if this sort of shit is happening in March 2006?

Thoughts of the day.

Douglas MacArthur named commander of all forces in Korea, July 8, 1950. Exactly 14 years before I was born on that day.

July 8 1776 was the first time the Declaration of Independence was read in public. 230 years before I was born on that day.

In the irony of ironies, there is a Kevin Bacon blog or two early in this thing. July 8, 1958, Kevin Bacon was born...six years before I was born on that day. I only have one degree of Kevin Bacon.

With the release of this Abdel Rahman character, the country of Afghanistan is saying Christians are mentally unfit to be Muslims. This is a country that wants to kill a guy for not wanting to be a Muslim. Sounds a bit "salmon Rushdie-ish" to me. Yep, he believes in something different than other people...so let's kill him before it spreads. Allah wants you to be a mindless drone who blindly follows his edicts as dictated to you by an out-of-touch, narrow-minded, near-sighted, non-traveled, bigoted, hate-mongering elder called an Imam, who can dictate the Muslim holy book as he sees fit, and to his own ends. Yep, drones kill, drones bomb, drones fly airplanes into buildings. Come on, we want more drones...

Sean Hannity ripped Alec Baldwin a new one on the Scottie Whitman radio show.

Why does the name "Jack Abramoff" sound so much like a verb?

Lyndon Johnson preferred calling his wife "Lady Bird" because it gave her the initials LBJ. Her name was Claudia. I like Claudia better. I found out recently two interesting facts about him which make me think he was a kooky cat, and probably would have been interesting to talk to: First, he liked to take his friends and visitors for rides on the country roads near his ranch and drink scotch while doing 90 mph. The second is he used to take important people into the bathroom to discuss important things, which he thought put psychological pressure on the person to whom he was speaking. He did that in combination with looming over them, since he was 6'4".

Animals can walk and poo at the same time, but people can't. I bet you always wanted to know that!

Graceland went on the registry of National Historic Landmarks. In fact, it's the second most popular home museum in the country, following the White House, with Mount Vernon, Monticello, and Ernest Hemingway's house trailing way behind. In an interview, Lisa Marie said Elvis loved Graceland and she was so proud of him. She also spoke of how people the world over loved her father. Yep...so that's the reason why he died alone, overweight, from a drug overdose while on the toilet, and when he hit the floor no one was around to hear it. Uh-huh, great way for the "King of Rock and Roll" to go. What did the EPC (Elvis Presley corporation make last year? $60 million? I would have said the same thing...

If animals can sense evil, how can Hillary Clinton have a cat?

March 24, 2006

That's NORTH Jersey, Thank You

So New York and California have the worst air pollution eh? That's no friggin shock. Washington DC and Jersey, well there's no earth-shattering news there either...

But Oregon? What's going on in Oregon? I thought the place was full of tree-huggers and the lumberjacks that love to cut them down? By "them" I mean the trees or the tree-huggers it really makes no difference.

One thing people should know, however, is the pollution that gives the Garden State its bad rap comes from two places. 1. From the area around New York City in North Jersey, such as Newark, Hoboken, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Bayonne, etc., and 2. from the area right near the Deleware Memorial Bridge that connects Southwestern Jersey to Delaware.

South Jersey is (believe it or not) predominantly state forest, farmland, and seashore barrier islands. To be on the beach here is to see the cleanest air anywhere. Actually, you can't see the air, which proves it's clean!

Like Springsteen said, " cause down the shore everything' s all right."

Keep that Jersey slander to yourself...

The best place to pick up easy, irresponsible chicks!

An abortion rally during the middle of the week has to be the easiest place to pick up a sleazy broad! After all, they skipped-out on work to go rally for the right to have doctors rip out a fetus if their irresponsible sexual activities end up getting them pregnant.

What other conclusion is there? I mean another that makes sense...not the "women want the right to blah blah blah stupidity about planning their lives, etc. Do they want the truth? Here it is: If you think you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to have a kid. Maybe these sluts should keep their pants on...

March 23, 2006

Alternate Universe Discovered Off Coast of Aruba!

While in the process of photographing every inch of the earth looking for Osama bin Laden, Jimmy Hoffa, the lost Nixon tapes and Amelia Earheart's car keys, NASA engineers recently discovered an alternate universe which they say actually surrounds the island of Aruba.

Apparently, upon entering this alternate universe, all 17-year old sexually active teenagers become virgins and are instantly transported forward four years, thus making them of legal drinking age.

Scientists examining this phenomenon also noted what they call a "leaking effect," where the parents of these teenagers are magically led to believe this universe and its effects are real, instead of the reality they let their 17 year-old daughters free, or actually sent them to drink, gamble, have sex, and ultimately get killed.

March 22, 2006

One more thing about the fountain...

Here's what I think it would be a fitting tribute to Diana:

A big statue of her in a bikini standing next to Dodi Fayed as Dodi urinates on a smaller statue of Prince Charles, who is riding Camilla.

Maybe a statue of her as the little Coppertone kid with her butt showing...and Charles kissing it...again, as Dodi Fayed pees on him.

What about Diana in body armor pushing Charles onto a land-mine that sends him flying over a model of Buckingham Palace where the government has come and is reposessing all his stuff!

Hey! He may be a prince, but he's no day at the beach...if you know what I mean.

Maybe it can be one where Diana bitch-slaps the Queen, who turns and slaps Charles, who turns to slap Camilla but gets one from her instead. Then Charles turns to his son William, who slaps him, and then to Harry, who slaps him also, then to Winston Churchill and Tony Blair, each who give the prince his just comeuppance. Charles then turns back to the queen, whom he slaps. The Queen then turns back to Diana and gets a palm-pasting from her, starting the whole thing again. All the while, a likeness of Richard Branson slaps Camilla at will. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but I like Richard Branson and Camilla needs additional pasting so I figured what the hell. There's another version where everybody gets kicked in the crotch, but you get the picture.

Meanwhile, a nearby statue of Pierce Brosnan gets a slapping from Colin Farrell due to Brosnan's being such a little bitch about the latest James Bond movie and Colin...well, he just seems to be everywhere.

Next to that is one of Hugh Grant getting kicked in the "James" by Elizabeth Hurley with a gusto that would bring a tear to Rochambeau's eye, while a recording shouts "what are you, stupid?" in her voice every time her knee finds its target.

Next to that one is the fantasy statue of the members of Coldplay getting their butts kicked by the all-girl members of L7 and Team Dresch!

Next to that is a statue of a football (soccer to us Yanks), an actual frisbee, and a little girl selling Jello. Why? Because the Brits love their football, there's never a bad time for frisbee and there's always room for Jello...

England has obviously gone insane!

A "problem-plagued" memorial fountain that costs $3.5 million more than it should? I know people really loved Princess Diana, but are you all freaking nuts or what?

$9 million dollars for a memorial fountain for a dead princess, and 520K on the opening ceremony! Wow! She was apparently important enough for old Queenie to drop that kind of dough, but not so important as to be treated well while she was alive! Her husband is obviously inbred and deranged. Proof? Well, no one really needs anything more than whom he chose over Diana! Eek! The memorial is all part of the collective guilt of the "Royals" and their attempt to look magnanimous instead of disingenuous. Not!

The odd thing is how people reacted. Some say the memorial is fitting, while others say it isn't quite enough! I think they all need their heads examined. Charles should count his lucky stars too. Just look at his two sons...handsome, intelligent, with great potential. He obviously saw Diana as nothing more than breeding stock, and it's a good thing he didn't see Camilla that way! Can you imagine that? How gooney-looking would those unfortunates be? Long faces, squinty-eyes, teeth so crooked they could eat corn-on-the-cob through a chain-link fence, with personalities so dry they would make even British comedy look like slap-stick. I can picture a kid with a face like Alfred E. Neuman playing bridge and drinking tea (at 11 years-old) and using expressions like "how droll" and "by-the-bye." He would need at least three bodyguards so he wouldn't get his ass kicked at least once a day!

Do you think Diana would have preferred the 9 million go to land-mine removal or saving little kids in Africa, or to some huge stone testament to the worthlessness and obsolescence of the royal system in England? The fact that the same people who ignored and mistreated her while she was alive still have their priorities all screwed-up isn't lost on me. No wonder they didn't like her...she was the only sane one of the bunch.