http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14282215.htm This nutcase is currently in the can, and tries to hire a hit man to "whack-out" his wife, his brother's girlfriend, his shrink, and his brother, who is also a head-shrinker. Wow!
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14273308.htm Here's a guy that Cornell University pays good money to do research on alcohol's effect on houseplants. What's worse is this guy was actually published in his industry trade magazine. Talk about excitement! The people that actually read "HortTechnology" magazine must be some party animals, eh! Hard to believe these kind of Melvins and Mortimers make a living doing this. Nerds rule!
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14282200.htm This chiropractor claims he can go back in time to cure illnesses. If so, can he go back to the seventies and kick my brother's ass? I'll give him the money to buy some microsoft stock before he goes. If I could go back in time, I'd go kill the guy that invented disco...but I digress. The guy also invented a treatment program he calls "bahlaqueem," which he admits means nothing but sounds good. He also denies being a bit nutty.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14280681.htm Starbucks manager by day...drummer in a Motley Crue "tribute band" by night. He got to fill in for Tommy Lee in a concert due to a wrist injury to Lee. What this fine gentleman doesn't realize, is that he dedicates his life to idolizing someone else, and the peak...the crowning achievement of his life just happened. It will never get any better for you. Ever. The rest of your life will now be meaningless to you, just as all of your prior life was meaningless to the rest of us. ...take the band with you first before you go, and make sure you get your whole head in front of the shotgun. Have a nice trip.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14271605.htm The owner of the now-famous "One-eyed kitten," who I affectionately refer to as the "One-eyed kitten Lady," wants the cat's remains to go to a religious group instead of to Ripley's because of the cats "religious significance." Cat people irritate me.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14272246.htm Dude isn't happy with the dick surgery he had, so he mails a bomb to the doctor? How weak is that! If you're pissed about the status of your "unit," I say that's time for a direct confrontation, not some sissy maneuver through the mail. Then he pleads guilty using a WMD, even though he was only targeting one guy! Hey, why do 2 years when you can do 5, right? I think these passive aggressive tendencies and feelings of inadequacy would find a quick cure if the guy with the "Mini-me" handled his issues in person. There you go, advice from Dr. Brainclogger, who also notices the guy comes from "Reamstown." Ironic, because that's what the inmates call jail. With a broken tally-whacker and an inferiority complex, it won't be like a day at the beach...
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14270386.htm Look out, here come the Latin baby-shower brawlers. Yo esay, ju got sun-kina prollem, mang? Ju lookin at my stroller, vato? Afte I fold deez "one-zies" we're throwin-down, Holmes. Of course, it's hard to be scared of a guy named "Jazz," and funny that people felt the need to be armed at a baby shower. Of course, one of these tough guys thought he needed to take a stick to a pregnant chick. Hey, that rhymed! Here's another one; Juan and Jazz both have a sore azz. In the Big House, in the Clink, now you have the jailhouse sphinc. Up the river, there you go, now you're Bubba's little Ho.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14269619.htm The article says "Fake Sheik, phony art, real jail time." There you go, an Arab in the U.S. trying to get "paid" like everyone else. An immigrant trying to rip people off. Wow, he really did assimilate well. He has his piece of the American dream. Now true to form, he'll go to jail and convince himself he's innocent and only in jail because the "man" put him there. Afterward, he'll recuit all the prison Muslims and convince them they're disaffected too, instead of being the crack-heads, murders, rapists, assholes and general scum they really are. Then he'll get out, start a mosque in New York, get a tax break from the government, and plan to start a "Jihad" on the "Infidel" Americans who live so decadently. Of course, this is the same shithead that impersonated a Saudi in order to cheat people out of their money for his own greed and ill-gotten gain. ...but we're the bag guys... Why, at $3.oo a gallon, did people trust a Saudi in the first place?
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14263273.htm People in California sell Chronic Candy," which is supposed to taste like marijuana, but doesn't have any THC, so the government out there wants to ban it. The government of Oakland...which is connected to San Francisco...the 60's drug culture's virtual "epicenter" and they want to ban a lollipop that tastes like "the ganja?" The pot-smoking, acid-dropping, tune-in, drop-out, get-high hall-of-fame wants to ban a lollipop because they think it "improperly influences teens and young adults..." Oh...my...God... They say the candy is already banned in Chicago and parts of New York. That's great! They don't do jack-squat about the real drug problems in our country, but a pot-flavor lollipop is public enemy number-one! It's sad, and typical of our weak-willed, power-hungry, misguided, greedy, crooked, PC, lying sack-of s--t politicians. As for the guy that makes Chronic Candy...it's a good idea, and a money maker, but worthless to society, therefore making you worthless. Donate the profits to charity.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/weird_news/14271417.htm A glowing testimony to the worthlessness of lawyers and the rediculous nature of our legal system. To people went to court to argue for custody of a freaking Poodle! A poodle! It's not even a real dog! It's name is Zena. What do you want to bet it was named after "Zena, Warrior Princess?" So that also means there is a guy arguing for custody of a female poodle. Egads! How's your manhood now, pal? If I was the judge, I would have kept the poodle and threw the two people in jail. Whoever held-out the longest for the dog would be the winner.
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