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2006-03-18

Sometimes I love the news...

I don't love the news for the politically biased news articles, but rather, for the way the headlines seem so ridiculous. In a news media attempt to be either political or provocative, sometimes they just end-up sounding silly. For instance:

Bombs, bullets greet Shiites on pilgrimage - After all, nothing says "welcome" like an ambush.
New abortion law may affect S.D. tourism - I never knew abortion was such a tourist attraction!
Many in Belarus love their autocratic leader - ...and if they say different...they get shot.
Aussie strippers win meal break, OT rights - now there's the best indicator of the development of a society...when they finally feed the strippers and pay them overtime! What's next? They get to vote? Good thing they have a union! They also get maternity leave, which I think is bad because you know how much everybody wants to see a pregnant woman hump a brass pole.
'South Park' battle over Scientology heats up - It's funny when a celebrity religious group feels threatened by a cartoon.
'Dukes of Hazzard' actor Tom Wopat charged - A guy stars in a TV show 20 years ago and that is what he's most famous for? That's sad. I try to forget stuff I did 20 years ago.
Bush adviser says Iran bluffing on Iraq - And we all know how right the Bush advisors have been!
Two more deaths added to record-high Bike Week toll (Miami Herald) What? Come on, there's nothing safer than bar-hopping on a motorcycle, especially with a passenger!
Argument over relationship ends with shooting at mall - Now who brings a gun to the mall? I mean really? Is it used to get lower prices? "Now how much is that lava lamp?" Is it to help you shop? "I wanna go to the record store. No, I wantto Victoria'storia's Secret (Boom!). Okay, we'll go to the record store!" "Quit looking at that guy (Boom)." "Do these pants make my ass look fat? I didn't think so."
Safety stand down held at Kennedy Space Center after mishaps - Again? What the hell is wrong with these people? Don't have a politically correct "safety stand down...make some heads roll! Kick some ass! For crying out loud, demand safety and do your risk management! Who's in charge over there? Get him on the phone!
Jerry Lewis gets French medal - Is it a medal with Pepe' Le'Pew's face on it? Maybe a miniature Eiffel tower with the German and Iraqi flags on top? Le' Bozo badge? I know...it has a picture of Chirac surrendering to a schoolgirl while he's standing on a French immigrant, right?
Striking workers at UM to get raise - At one of the best learning institutions in the state, they couldn't negotiate? There's a law school right there! Lawyers showing their value yet again. In typical fashion, union workers make the company lose money by striking in order to get more money...a vicious circle unions will never understand. Giving in to them just makes it worse. Florida is a right to work state, so busting the union is no issue.
Fashion Designer Oleg Cassini Dies at 92 - From the truly meaningless file, this is some old fag that's famous for making dresses for Jackie O...the woman who was married to JFK, then married a Greek tycoon reportedly so her kids would grow up wealthy, then when she died was buried next to the president. Hmm. What do they call a woman who has a relationship with someone for money?

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