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October 7, 2005

We need more we need ...

...well, like we need more kinds of deodorants, or feminine hygiene products. Yep, we don't have enough so make some new deodorant fragrances that make people smell like their surroundings. Instead of Ocean Breeze or Summer Surf or any of that bullshit, go for some realism with Trash-Truck tropical (for garbage haulers), Municipal Utility Authority Apple (MUA Apple for short at the shit-plant), Jet Fuel Fresh (for people who work at the airport), Exotic Exhaust Pipe (for commuters and taxi-drivers), combined with more subtle things like Wetland White Out (with the smell of the marshes and office products), Copy-Paper Potpourri, Candy Carpet-Glue (it masks the smell of cigarettes and booze really well), and Urinal Cake Cherry (when you know you like the smell of the bathroom, and want to take it with you)!

As for the feminine hygiene products...wait..I digress...I'm supposed to be talking about monuments, right? Oh, okay...

Now coming to a mall near you...well, a mall not near you, but in the city you pay for with a mall that goes from the Jefferson Memorial to the Capital building. A mall where you can't buy a damn thing but more of your money is spent there than anywhere else on the planet. Money spent by governmental dipshits who wouldn't know the first thing about paying their bills; a hard day's work; defending their country, or living in the real world.

Well, now these knuckleheads feel the need for yet another memorial. Jeez! What now? Well, it's supposed to be a "Victims of Communism" memorial. Whew! Man, am I relieved! I thought they were going to skip that one! You know with Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Vietnam Women's memorial, the Buffalo soldier, the Unknown soldier, The Holocaust, and about 10 others, it's a good thing they got this one in while there was space!

I know you're thinking about what to plan for next, so I thought I'd offer a few more ideas...just in case.

- The Honest Politician Memorial. This one is self-explanatory, and actually should have been erected some time last century.
- The "Illegal Aliens" memorial- dedicated to all the bad treatment illegal aliens received under the hands of the mean old Immigration and Naturalization Service. It's a stone likeness of "Elian 'Alien' Gonzalez."
- The "Victims of Erectile Dysfunction" memorial- dedicated to all those people, mostly minorities, who were unable to achieve an erection due to a vast right-wing government conspiracy. Paid for by cutting the benefit to welfare recipients who don't have jobs but can get free Viagra.
- The "Victims of the Scurvy" memorial, which by politically correct inclusion also includes those who died from Rickets, cleft palate, hydro-cephaly (water on the brain), and Elephantitis in the US. This will be funded by the Navy, who were planning to use the money for another Filipina pedicurist at the Navy Annex.
-The Day We Killed all the Oil Company Presidents" Memorial. This one can have it's own little oil gusher and miniature people gathered around the entrance to a fictitious oil company, reminiscent of the people that came to the castle to kill Frankenstein. The government would have to employ at least 10 people to make sure no oil was spilled, or no people stole it to take home and refine in their little home refineries since the oil companies can't build any.
- The "Day China Bought Washington" Monument, commemorated by a Panda Express stand at the new Mao Tse Tung Memorial...formerly the Jefferson Memorial.
-"The Day the Music Died" memorial, a monument to the day(February 3, 1959) Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash. A loop of Don McLeans "Miss American Pie" will play 24 hours a day.
-The Ray Nagin "Wasn't my Fault" memorial, dedicated to 30 years of corrupt black rule in New Orleans followed by the ability to blame all your failures on that "White Devil" George Bush. A loop of the Shaggy song "Wasn't me" will play 24 hours a day. The self-guided tour is said to be "versheazy" and described as the "shiznit!"
-The Fisherman's Memorial"- This memorial is triple purpose, serving as a memorial to all the species of ocean fishes that were fished out of existence by foreign countries in our waters, while our government didn't have the balls to do anything about it. The second purpose is to commemorate the government's "bold" act of renaming fisherman into "fisherperson," so as to not offend women. The last is the when the women attacked the congress building claiming the name was changed right after there were no more fish to catch." As they attacked, one person heard the utterance of the term "dicks" in reference to some politicians, but none of them responded to that for fear of "offending someone."
-The "Sharp Instrument" memorial- Due to product liability lawsuits, all sharp instruments, to include thumb-tacks and disposable razors, will no longer be produced in the very near future. This memorial scheduled to go next to the "American Hunter," "American Gun Owner," and "Hot Coffee" and "Baseball Bat" memorials. Baseball bats will be labeled as deadly weapons in 2007 following the bludgeoning murder of Bruce Springsteen at the Democratic National Convention.
-The Yugo Memorial- commemorates the introduction and failure of the Yugoslavian "Yugo" in the US, where a whopping 200 were sold. Monument is an actual Yugo for sale.


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