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October 22, 2005

Mr. Johnson Thanks You!

I've been thinking about why men wash their hands after they pee...

Shouldn't it be BEFORE you pee? I mean, unless you're doing something I'm not, your hands (rather than your unit) touch everything, get dirty, wipe your face and nose, touch other people, touch your desk, computer, workout equipment, the ground, and basically get dirty, while Mr. Johnson stays as clean in your underwear as he was when you put him there after your shower this morning. Don't tell me you don't shower in the morning... Are you the same person who never cleans his coffee cup? Would you wash your car with a dirty rag? Fold your clothes with dirty hands? Swim in a dirty pool?

So why is it men go into the bathroom with a pair of dirty hands and touch their clean (you know what) with them? Trying to poison the One-eyed Monster? Need greasy hands to get a grip on the trouser snake? What's the deal? I've seen people workout at the gym, go outside and do pushups in the dirt, then sit-ups where they touch the backs of their heads, then run, sweat, wipe their faces with their hands, their nose with their arm, and then go use the bathroom, only to wash their hands AFTER they touch their personal "equipment." If you do this and you're a're even more nasty.

I don't understand washing afterward. If it's a sit-down appointment, I completely agree, but if you're only going "number one," why are you still getting pee on your hands? Personally, I stopped getting any on me years ago. You know, the handles on the sink are probably holding more germs than the old "heat-seeking moisture missile." This reminds me...if you're doing some "inshore drilling," (throwing the ruby-headed love-dart, Russel, the love-muscle) wash those hands before any of that! The two dirtiest parts of your body are your hands, and ironically, your mouth.

...and you thought it was somewhere else...


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