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September 6, 2005

Kevin Bacon to Blame for Flood in New Orleans

That's right! I saw that bastard down at the levee with a shovel! Or did I?
Hey! When your career starts to flag or people hate you like Sean Penn, what can you do? You can either go on a drunken bender, kick someone's ass, check into rehab, come out and have a comeback, or create the biggest UNNATURAL disaster in history and then "ACT" like you came over to help with the relief effort!!! Plus, the ass-kicking part is a "been-there, done-that" for old Sean. What a great guy that Sean Penn, he showed up and rescued one person, while simultaneously wearing body armor to protect himself from all those FRIENDLY people, while making sure his personal photographer, (who was on the boat), got lots of "money shots." Now there's humanitarian relief in action!!! Problem was, his "entourage," (and only assholes have entourages) took up too many spots on the boat, and if you've seen the TV, you obviously noticed the size of some of these New Orleans residents, so fat chance of Sean helping out unless you're a 10-year old. But he's a liberal and can't possibly be to blame. I know, it's Kevin Bacon's fault! He gave Sean Penn the idea when they did the movie "Mystic River" together, with that other hateful liberal Tim Robbins!
Want more proof? "A Streetcar Named Desire" was based in New Orleans. That movie featured Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando was in Apocalypse Now with Lawrence Fishburne, and Lawrence Fishburne was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon! Did Kevin feel left out? I wonder?
It may just be a democratic plot. Hillary Rodham Clinton was in Last Party 2000 with Tim Robbins, and Tim Robbins was in Mystic River with guess who??? Need more?
Ted Kennedy's brother was president Kennedy, who was in the Zapruder film of the Kennedy Assasination with Jean Hill. Jean Hill was in Beyond 'JFK', The Question of Conspiracy with Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon. More?
James Carville (the evil one) was in The People Versus Larry Flint with Courtney Love. Courtney Love was in Trapped with Kevin Bacon.
Democrat liberal Bryant Gumbel is from Louisiana, and was in the movie The Hard Way with Mos Def. Mos Def was in the Woodsman with Kevin Bacon.
New Orleans native Harry Connick Jr. helped pitch the new movie Beauty Shop with Kevin Bacon. He was also in My Dog Skip with Kevin Bacon
Bayou LaBatrie Louisiana was devestated by Katrina and also by hurricane Camille. Bayou LaBatrie was in the movie Forrest Gump, played by Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon!
The actor John Larroquette always seemed like he could be either really cool, or a complete ass. He's from Louisiana. He was in JFK with Kevin Bacon.
Arthur Franz was in The Young Lions in 1958 with Maxamillian Schell. Maxamillian Schell was in Telling Lies in America in 1977 with Kevin Bacon. Arthur Franz did a movie called what? guessed it...New Orleans!
Louis Armstrong, the most beloved man in New Orleans, was in Hello Dolly in 1969 with Walter Matthau. Walter Matthau was in JFK with Kevin Bacon!
Kevin Bacon also has a history of tragic movies involving water, including The WildRiver, Wild Things, White Water Summer, and Mystic River.
James Earl Jones is from Mississippi. James Earl Jones was in A Clear and Present Danger with Benjamin Bratt. Benjamin Bratt was in The Woodsman with Kevin Bacon.
Gerald McRaney is from Mississippi. He was in Hansel & Gretel with Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning was in Trapped with Kevin Bacon.
Sela Ward is from Mississippi. She was in The Day After Tomorrow with Emily Rossum. Emily Rossum was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.
Oprah's from Mississippi and we all know how irritating she is. She was in The Color Purple with Lawrence Fishburne, who was in Mystic River with old Kevin!
Truman Capote was a weirdo from New Orleans. He was in Murder By Death with James Coco. James Coco was in Only When I Laugh with Kevin Bacon.
Kevin's always seemed like a guy frustrated with not quite breaking out and achieving the stardom he expected. I think he was tired of living in people's shadows, and broke the levee to settle some scores.
...or is Sean Penn the genious actor and self serving knucklehead he appears to be?

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