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2005-08-18

Guilt over time lost with my son

I can't help but think about my son...constantly. I see that in his scant 11 years, I've missed four of them being away with the army, as well as three first-days of school, four birthdays, two Christmas's, etc. It doesn't help that he lives somewhere else with that whore I was married to. It's also not fair how Florida thinks she's a better parent simply because he passed through a part of her anatomy, a part that now sees practically every tow truck driver and auto parts salesman in town. Problem is, all these men are also around my son.
I often say "what did I do to him," and then realize she ran out on us, but then the court gave him to her after I got orders to leave the state. Did I choose the army over my kid? Where would I get the $865 I pay her for one kid? Is that why I feel like I abandoned him? Did I donate years of my son's life to the army? Did I throw him to that bitch and let him fend for himself? Does he see through the bullshit as his mother keeps him from contacting me and poisons him with lies about me? Why do I so easily separate myself from my son? Is it all for a paycheck? Is it out of duty? Is it all bullshit? Why doesn't the Army help me with some BAH for child support?

I forgot...I volunteered.

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